Sunday, October 28, 2001

will i be pretty? will i be rich? what will become of me?

it's been a few months since i last tried this online diary thing, maybe it's time again for my semi-monthly entry.

let's see, let's see, where to begin?

umm, well, i'm at work right now bored out of my fucking mind and playing around on the internet. i'm working at the best western a couple blocks from my house. i work at the front desk. no no no. i sit on my ass behind the front desk, sliding the rolley chair around the office, changing the tv station, throwing food in the microwave and playing around on the internet.

prior to coming to work, me and bonnie did a heist at publix. we filled up our cart and walked out the door with it. it was so easy as usual but right in the last moment wherein you join the exiting people i had a little crisis of confidence and so thought that we were going to get caught. and i made bonnie push the cart out of the store. but i am not writing this from a jail cell, and so obviously we did not get caught. sometimes i wonder how long my streak of not getting caught shoplifting can possibly last. i mean, it's the basic law of probability right? i have to get caught at some point in time. but, whatever, i'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

and i am soo so excited because i will no longer be in sarasota as of january. i will be a pseudo-new yorker, going to school at hunter for a semeter. and my plans for next semester have gotten even better as of yesterday when my roommate bonnie decided that she wanted to go to ny too. so last night we searched through village voice classifieds with dreams of being "hip" and "bohemian" in new york dancing through our head while cute little kids danced out at the wall. New YORK - ahh - i am so excited, i can't even handle it. sporadically throughout the day, i just scream new york to myself remembering that i will be there soon, and then getting all super giddy.

but, before it was my definite plan, when i was still weighing it, my mom told me that my dad's lung cancer had gotten worse and his prognosis is that he has six to eight months to live. she also said that he has lost a lot of weight. so that is what made definite my plans to go to ny, so that way i would only be a 4 hour trip away from home since there's tons of trains always running between dc and ny. i don't think the reality of this situation has entirelly dawned on me yet. i occasionally am hit by flashes of reality in which i shudder thinking that by july, my dad will probably not be alive.

shit. fuck. that is the scariest thing ever. i have yet to deal with the death of anyone even semi-close to me, and so all this is very upsetting. it still does not seem real to me that my dad, whom i would always play soccer with and listen to him blast his loud acid rock (the dead, and pink floyd), is slowly dying. not only is it upsetting for reasons of my dad's impending death but it is also messing with my head forcing me to confront my own thoughts on mortality. i've been fairly agnostic for a good whiles, but that was so easy when i did not have to think of death as the end of someone's "existence" -- if there even is such a thing and it not some mental construction of ours, giving man an exaggerated self-importance.

i am trying to continue believing the whitmanic idea that man is not distinct from the earth, that he is merely earth and so there is no such thing as death, it is just a transmutaion of one's body back into a fertilizer state.

but, you can't really talk to fertilizer and that is the thing that terrifies me -- that there will very soon be a time in my life when i will not be able to call my dad, when i will not be able to call him a lame-o, or make fun of him for being deaf, calling him an old man -- that my social reality will be served a major monkeywrench very soon.

but, as ned flanders taught the town of springfield to sing in one episode: que sera sera

Tuesday, October 9, 2001

subject: re:

From: "charlie quiroz"
To: [rebecca]
Subject: Re:
Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2001 15:25:54 -0400

hey becks,
me and bonnie were just looking at the new nc web page to see if we were on it, but we didn't even notice you -- that's super exciting, but guess who'd not on there? yep, me and bonnie. and drew.

so, what's the drama in beck's life that you alluded to a couple of days ago, are you still going to visit fidel, despite the int'l sit.? how's the farm?

i just turned in paper that was due yesterday by 4, becks i don't know what is wrong with me but i just could not write it to save me life, i was flipping out and thinking i should just drop out and it was only a freaking 5 page lit paper, rebecca i get so easily stressed these days. i have another paper due on friday, and this one is going to be so bad, it's going to be . . . dear god, in heaven no, don't say it . . . a philopshy paper. oh, i want to cry just thinking about having to write that nonsense for that bobo language and politics class.

clay was here this weekend. our wine tasting party was lets of fun -- we even had a red velvet walkway going up to our house which was pretty funny. let's see, the best western is the coolest job ever, it is easy street let me tell you what -- i work 4-12, i'm the only one at the front desk, and i probably actually have to do work for about two of the hours i am there, i just do my homework and watch tv, and eat, and listen to the radio and wait for people to come check in. easy life. and , i am doing far more studying than i'd be doing if i weren't i work, so i'm basically getting paid to study which is cool

oh, i'm seriously thinking trying to go away next semesterm through national student exchange, but i have to decide like yesterday if i want to or not, so i don't know what i'm going to do, i really wanted to go to howard but i missed the deadline, but now i kind of want to go to u-mass at amherst, but i have to see if they're still accepting. i just feel like i want to be somewhere else trying something different, not that i don't like my little fiefdom i have set up for me, where i know everywhere and it's superfun, but i think i want to take a little breakie-poo, you know?

well, bonnie keeps saying she's going to mail your contacts but i don't think she has yet, in fact i'm pretty positive she hasn't. yesterday she said she couldn't cause she didn't have your address.

oh, there was a whole article in the catalyst about me about me possibly having to go to student court, and they put the silliest quotes in the world in there from me, and there's a quote from our good friend markie mark blaweiss and the funky bunch and he says, "i can't wait to teach charlie a lesson." or something really funny and sinister sounding liek that.

well adios, becks, let me know what's the dealy with your life in va and all, hey?