i just finished reading a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, and the ending has me artistically inspired to create. it has me feeling like shit for wasting so so much time on my ass. but, i'm home with my folks for the summer and around them i lose all motivation to do anything at all. maybe it's that i'm embarassed to do stuff around them -- i don't know. and so this is today's declaration #1: next summer, i am not going to live at home no matter how broke i am.
i didn't really want to come home this summer, but when i was trying to think of things to apply for in march, my mom in a very serious voice said that i needed to go home. i didn't really argue and decided to come home and work there for the summer. when i got home, my dad told me he had lung cancer. my mom has since told me that his prognosis is not good. it's not something one can really ask questions about, like how long do you have left to live? but that is the question i am wondering, and i am worrying/wondering that that time may be soon -- because when i was bitching about having to be home my mom said that she wanted me to come home so i could spend some time with my dad but that i could go somewhere next summer. does that mean that this is his last summer?
it's a really weird feeling, and i feel sick for thinking about these things, trying to come up with a time frame, and worrying that i will have a nervous breakdown if it happens while i'm at school, and i'm worried about petty things like how it'll affect my academics and other bullshit that healthy minds should not think about, i tell myself.
also today, i was supposed to be in this sex video with this middle-aged perv named carl, so i drive all the way out there and he tells me that he's feeling sick and we'll have to film it after he gets back from vacation. but he gave me a $100 deposit for coming all the way out there. so, i made any easy 100 for doing jack shit -- and i'm thinking about just not doing the video and keeping the money cause all he has is my e-mail address. and while i was there, at this smelly apartment that was a gathering for sexual deviants, i was asked my this old man with a long white warped santa beard if i'd have sex under hypnosis. okay, this is fucking santa asking me not what i want for christmas, but rather if i'll let him hypnotize me and fuck me while taping it.
there's something about really old people, that just repulses me -- maybe i'd get it on with his young elves, but santa is too fucking old. i'd fuck rudolph before i would santa.
oh, and i have a legit job too. i work at this organic market in dc, which is sometimes fun. and i was a minion of satan until two days ago doing (yes, the most evil of evils:) telemarketing. i sold subscriptions to this theater in dc, but had to quit because i couldn't deal with being one of those obnoxious people who invades your home, crawling through phone lines, hawking their ware. that, and i hadn't sold one subscripion yet, either. i sucked at telemarketing and decided to "leave" before i was fired.
oh, and at the organic market, they usually play classical, but today it was 70's funk and rock and i've had these two lines from a song in my head all day and i don't even know what song it is. but it's so positive and happy, but not blithe or any bullshit like that. it goes: "it's a living thing [doo-doo-doo-da], what a terrible thing to waste."
that song and the book by dave eggers have made me eager to do something with me life. oh, and another contributing factor to this desire to create is my purchase yesterday of the movie purple rain. prince was signed to warner brothers when he was eightfuckingteen. okay, i am now twenty -- two years past that point with no major artistic accomplishments, and even more importantly (and the reason for the lack of accomplishments) - a complete lack of artistic talent/skill.
all of this forcing me to think, about what am i going to do, what will i offer, what can i do to make things more pretty, more fun:
resolution #2: get out of the house more often, you lazy motherfucker. every night that you are not working find something to do, and get someone to go with you.
resolution #3: dance more often
when i was at school i would dance 24/7 but now that i home i don't dance at all, again it'd due to whatever influence being around my family has upon me
so, it's a living thing - what a terrible thing to waste