Sunday, November 25, 2001

adventures in tv land: softcore, iron chef, jimmy fallon, and snl

okay i am now in virginia. i came home for the turkey day and i leave monday morning to return to the sunshine state.

i have just finished watching snl, which was so good, jimmy fallon is the cutest boy ever. watching the show has made me very excited about going to live in ny, which was just listed as the best place to live in the us by money magazine. and also on this list of 7, was shock of shocks, sarasota, fl. i was real confused by that, but you know, whatever.

okay, enough diversions, time for the cold hard truth: i, a boy named gun, am a big fat dykey loser. (i'm really not a homophobe either, that phrase will just not leave my lexicon, i'm pretty sure it's from "welcome to the dollhouse," but i'm not sure, i know have heard it somewhere).

last night i stayed up way too late watching skinemax, and masturbating in the living room while my family slept upstairs, watching really trashy movies (i.e., sex at -- yes, that was really the title). i seriously masturbated for like two hours with the volume of the tv turned down super low so my family wouldn't hear that i was watching softcore porn. and it was straight porn, i don't know why, but i am so aroused my straight erotica. i think that that is very weird for a self-identified gay boy. i need to talk to other gay boys and see if they are aroused by this, too. i think it is arousing to see a hetero male totally objectifying women, i think it has something to do with power fetishism, and probably also an idealizing of gender norms. not exactly sure, but basically it boils down to the fact that i am a big fat loser who watched bad straight softcore for hours instead of sleeping.

and then, all i have done all day today also is watch the boob tube, seriously i must have watched 6 hours so far today, and i didn't even wake up until about 1. so i've been awake for 12 hours or so, and half of that time has been spent in front of the tv. at least it wasn't bad softcore that was the choice today, today it was the food network, there was an iron chef marathon on today, and i watched it. i don't know why. the show is just so fucking funny. but i worry about laughing at the show, because i wonder how much of the humor is because it is a dubbed japanesse tv show -- it seems to have some of the same racist qualities of minstrel shows, wherein it is almost a group of people (japanese) that are being laughed at. but, there's other aspects to the show that are really fucking funny, it's just so absurd, with a host called the chairman who wears extravagent, gaudy clothes, and on one episode today, rode in on horseback. and then after that was over i watched the naked chef, another really good cooking show. and after that, i watched the aforementioned snl.

i did however leave the house on two occassions today. the first one was me going to old towne, to turn in my olsson's application and then coming home -- a whole half hour out of the house. whoee!! i would so like to work at olsson's over winter break, it seems like a such rad place to work, it's right on the river, and it's a progressive indie bookstore / record store which is an endangered thing.

the other trip out of the house today, was a consumerist indulgence to target with my family. i bought two new cd's: the new dmx cd and patsy cline's "heartaches". the new dmx cd was a disappointment because it didn't have the song on it that i thought was on it. but oh my god, patsy cline, whoa has that girl got soul. "crazy" is maybe the most soulful song ever, right now it's my song of the moment.

i've done no school work over break and i really am not that concerned, i'm really enjoying virginia and i'm going to try to leave fl as soon as possible. virginia is so nice right now. it's so what i need, it has seasons. cold, cloudy days are so much more conducive to brooding. the weather reflects the varities of moods of human experience rather than the static always good weather of sarasota. is it weird that good weather makes me depressed, it really does seem to mock me. when i'm feeling like shit, and it's a sunny day with a bright blue sky, it just makes me feel even more like shit that the weather does not reflect my current state -- that i am weird or something for not being bright and sunny. oh, how i love virginia, let me count the ways:

-seeing people from high school no matter where i go, leaves, seasons, the potomac, my mom's minivan, my boring high school friends who are so comforting to hang out with, a lack of 50 million retirees (ahem, sarasota), townhouses, and yeah fuck yeah cloudy skys for weeks at a time, that's the fucking shit

Wednesday, November 21, 2001

twas the night before thanksgiving

so tomorrow's the big turkey day, and i have to wake up at 5 bum fucking o clock in the morning, so i can be at the airport to catch my 7 o clock flight to dc. i'm going home to see my family who i have not seen in so long and will be so so glad to see. although i am slightly concerned about flying on thanksgiving day into dc, what with this little war going on and everything. does that make me a big wimp? i'm not that scared, but it is definitly something that is in the back of my mind.

oh, and i have the hugest crush ever on this first year kid named mark. but my crush on marky mark seems very different than most of the crushes i have had in the past. this one does not seem like one wherein the crushee is totatlly objectified (ahem, shane, drew, andrew, etc.). marky mark just seems like such a rad person, and i'm sort of sad the semester is going to be over in less than three weeks, because i would like to try to make this boy my boyfriend.

but, hopefully i can at least get to make out with him. he was working in the mailroom today, and i stopped in to ask if i had any mail (why does this sound like the start of some bad erotica writing in playgirl or some such shit?), and then i sat down and talked to him while he was working. he seemed slightly uncomfortable, but hopefully that's a good nervousness thing, and not oh-dear god-some-boy-is-hitting-on-me uncomfortableness.

and i just stared at the back of his neck and his hair as we talked and he put mail and victoria's secret catalogs in everyones boxes. and his neck was so cute, his skin was just super-smooth and this really nice white complexion. i know this is really horrible but i really do have a think for white boys with brown hair. whiteness is so hot, i don't know if i've just been totatlly mystified by popular body images in the media, or if this some sick product of me being mixed, where i idolize ideas of whiteness. really nice complexioned white skin is the most beautiful sight in the world (on a boy, of course). perhaps, that's enough aryan youth ramblings, but basically this marky mark boy is so cute. ps, he likes too dance which is so fucking cool, that's like 50 million cool points just for that alone.

oh, i took naked pics of bo at the crossley estate, hopefully they'll turn out good, however i don't think that they will cause i had the aperture on a really bad setting. but after we hiked back to my car at college hall, i appearantly sped out of there like a bat of hell when i backed up, and then i got very excited by the dirt road, and picked up speed. i always high tail it on that part of college drive where it's that dirt road detour. driving through the dirt fast makes me feel like mad fucking max or something, with visions of tina turner singing 'we don't need another hero.' my fantasy, was interupted however by the blue lights of new college's finest. i got pulled over and got a warning for going 40 on a 15 road which i think he might have been lying about, he said he clocked it, but how do i know that he just didn't guesstimate, you know?

my to do list:
-get my fucking life together
-apply for mcsweeneys internship
-find someone to move into my room
-think of an isp
-ask mark out on "a date" (aka - hey mark, you should really come watch this movie with me and bonnie)
-call borders about working there over x-mas
-start worrying about where i'm going to live in ny
-get money from the sac
-do the layout for lush hopefully by wed
-and then oh dear god, paper upon paper upon paper

okay and i just saw amelie, which was the cutest movie ever, and throughout they told all of the character's loves and hates

so things i love: marky mark, getting annonymous cards, talking to really smart people, having crushes, eating whole cans of olives in one sitting, warm underwear right out of the dryer

things i hate: that cat smell that some rooms have, jelly, people that are to cool to be bothered, people that won't jump in the pool with their clothes on, the odorific smell that my shoes have recently taken on of nastiness

and, i have to pack and go to bed, and make sure to wake up otherwise my mom'll throttle me if i miss my flight

h to the izzy v to the izzay, remember when i used to play ball down in v a

Va, here i come, whoo, i love virgina so much, and it'll be nice and cold and smell like fall. oh -- add the smell of fall to things i love.