Monday, June 4, 2001


yo [redacted],

you've turned in your john moore paper, right? you better have, miss meg. and sorry for taking so long to respond to you, but mtv has had me in a trance. it's really sick, all i watch is mtv -- i'm so fasinated by it, it's so wonderful.

so, you're in new york now right, how is it, you love it? yo, you are so lucky, let me tell you what, if i were in new york i would be fucking stalking that gorgeous snl boy jimmy fallon. you know who he is, right? he's so super cute. megan, i've decided this is the boy you are going to pursue, you can do it megan, you better. jimmy fallon is the dreamiest boy ever, i keep watching all my sister tapes of snl and staring at that kid, yo.

so, correlated to my love of mtv is my lack of a job, i have still yet to find a job. i do absolutely nothing except hang out all day, which my mom does not love so much, she is forever telling me how i need to get a job, and so i am determined to get one tomorrow, and i might even work at borders which i told myself i wasn't going to do anymore.

oh, but today i made 150, it's really funny and it involves whitman. so, i did this jack-off video for these two middle-aged guys at their apartment today. or, i tried too. i thought it would be funny, you know? so, i got there, and i was so turned-off the second i walked in -- their apartment had that rank apartment smell where it smells like cats or some shit even though they don't have cats, you have to know what i'm talking about. well magnify that by a gazillion and that might almost come close to what this place actually smelt like. it's funny how in this situation, this smell is the biggest thing i remember-- trivial details are the big ones. and speaking of bigness, one of the guys was 300 plus pounds and looked and talked like Divine in Hairspray playing the tv station owner (one of his few performaces not in drag). okay that's what this dude looked like and the other guy was just a 40 year old pervert. i get there and he pays before even filming, so i was excited. then they start filming and they start off asking all these silly questions that they wanted hot answers to, like "what do you think about when you masturbate?" [did you have any fun experiences like this at pleasures, i'm really fascinated by sex work, and that's one of the reasons i did the video, tell me about all your fun pleasures time]

and so basically, umm, i was not excited per say in this rank setting with these sleazy gross men, and so their tape is ten minutes of me laughing, and trying to get excited. but to no avail. i finally was like, look yo, it ain't going to happen, i ain't going to get excited, let me give you your money back. and he was like no, no, no. so, i got an easy 150 for just playing with myself, oh and here's where whitman came in handy, paul said we'd remember those lines at certain times, -- well, i did. i was like look, yo-- this is what i really think about when masturbating, and then recited the "copulation is no more rank to me than death" lines and then i left. it was such a grand exit with those whitman lines, and i have paul to thank for all of it, oh how was the dinner with him?

but, they have both sent me e-mails already -- the fat guy is wondering if i'll let him go down on me once a week for 50, and the other dude wants to film me getting it on with him for 250. i probably won't do either, but 250 sounds nice. i just feel like prostitution might be my one boundry that i won't experiment with --- the sharon olds poem, "sex without love" came to mind as i read their e-mails. and this entire experience has led me to question why i like photographing people sexually -- i feel like it may be from the same slightly perverse, definitly voyeuristic reasons that these guys had with me and makes me feel sort of dirty, and so i feel like i have to approach how i photograph people differently.

yo, yo megan, i want to come visit you later this summer, so we can work together on stalking jimmy fallon, you know. are you working, meeting cute boys, reeking havoc on NYC, let's hear all about the adventures of miss [redacted] in the big apple..

adios -- charlie

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