let's see, let's see, where to begin?
umm, well, i'm at work right now bored out of my fucking mind and playing around on the internet. i'm working at the best western a couple blocks from my house. i work at the front desk. no no no. i sit on my ass behind the front desk, sliding the rolley chair around the office, changing the tv station, throwing food in the microwave and playing around on the internet.
prior to coming to work, me and bonnie did a heist at publix. we filled up our cart and walked out the door with it. it was so easy as usual but right in the last moment wherein you join the exiting people i had a little crisis of confidence and so thought that we were going to get caught. and i made bonnie push the cart out of the store. but i am not writing this from a jail cell, and so obviously we did not get caught. sometimes i wonder how long my streak of not getting caught shoplifting can possibly last. i mean, it's the basic law of probability right? i have to get caught at some point in time. but, whatever, i'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
and i am soo so excited because i will no longer be in sarasota as of january. i will be a pseudo-new yorker, going to school at hunter for a semeter. and my plans for next semester have gotten even better as of yesterday when my roommate bonnie decided that she wanted to go to ny too. so last night we searched through village voice classifieds with dreams of being "hip" and "bohemian" in new york dancing through our head while cute little kids danced out at the wall. New YORK - ahh - i am so excited, i can't even handle it. sporadically throughout the day, i just scream new york to myself remembering that i will be there soon, and then getting all super giddy.
but, before it was my definite plan, when i was still weighing it, my mom told me that my dad's lung cancer had gotten worse and his prognosis is that he has six to eight months to live. she also said that he has lost a lot of weight. so that is what made definite my plans to go to ny, so that way i would only be a 4 hour trip away from home since there's tons of trains always running between dc and ny. i don't think the reality of this situation has entirelly dawned on me yet. i occasionally am hit by flashes of reality in which i shudder thinking that by july, my dad will probably not be alive.
shit. fuck. that is the scariest thing ever. i have yet to deal with the death of anyone even semi-close to me, and so all this is very upsetting. it still does not seem real to me that my dad, whom i would always play soccer with and listen to him blast his loud acid rock (the dead, and pink floyd), is slowly dying. not only is it upsetting for reasons of my dad's impending death but it is also messing with my head forcing me to confront my own thoughts on mortality. i've been fairly agnostic for a good whiles, but that was so easy when i did not have to think of death as the end of someone's "existence" -- if there even is such a thing and it not some mental construction of ours, giving man an exaggerated self-importance.
i am trying to continue believing the whitmanic idea that man is not distinct from the earth, that he is merely earth and so there is no such thing as death, it is just a transmutaion of one's body back into a fertilizer state.
but, you can't really talk to fertilizer and that is the thing that terrifies me -- that there will very soon be a time in my life when i will not be able to call my dad, when i will not be able to call him a lame-o, or make fun of him for being deaf, calling him an old man -- that my social reality will be served a major monkeywrench very soon.
but, as ned flanders taught the town of springfield to sing in one episode: que sera sera