Saturday, September 30, 2000

whatever's fine

From the Archives
Okay, this one here is real embarrasing and I don't even know why I am putting it up here since the writing is so silly, but you know whatever. It's about Britt Dunn.

Yesterday, my bracelet br oke

the handmade circle encompassing my wrist had not been taken off once since it was put on over a week ago by a member of the male gender whom I liked for more than a

friend, but as I was told a couple of days ago the feeling was not mutual

Even, as he said those words that he didn’t want a relationship and was only interested in

casual sex I still wanted to press my lips against his and run my hand over the back of his head feeling the sensation that his short hair passing under my hand produces concurrently while experiencing the warm moisture of his lips and falsely feeling a sense of security - that the kiss was more than just a prelude to casual sex

But, while part of my mind was yearning to kiss him another part of my mind was reeling from the words that just emitted from that same mouth I wanted to kiss and it was that part of my mind that took control of my vocals when he asked me how I felt, and what did I think

and instead of telling him that I truly liked him and that he was the first person I have felt that way about that he made me feel fabulous, free, fantastic, frenetic, flowery, flammable, full, and oh fuck alliteration- he made me feel good

instead of telling him that when I saw him I got excited that I did want a relationship and that I wanted to feel that sense of security that is brought with his kiss and that I am so so sorry that I am constrained by language and that my words fall short of describing the indescribable feelings you produce in me

but, it was that part of my mind that was reeling and melancholy and experiencing a catharsis of emotions that took control of my vocals and instead of saying all that to his question asking how I felt: simply responded: whatever’s fine

he then asked me if I wanted to go back to his room and watch a movie that had yet to be determined with his friends

and again the same part of my mind responded: no, not really. and so he left with my optimism and I remained with my racing thoughts

After, he had made me the bracelet and tied it around my right wrist I experienced for the first time that fabalized version of a kiss that had that feeling that feeling I have for so long heard described and eulogized

and spending the night in his arms and in his twin-sized bed did not feel casual

kissing him the next morning with his less than minty fresh breath and his groggy, just woke up face still had that feeling

and it was that feeling that I longed to re-experience as he told me that I was nothing more to him than casual sex

and so maybe it was a good thing that the wire bracelet he had made me broke, but the operative word in that previous phrase is maybe

if this experience had not been real if it had been a story by Hawthorne or Melville or one of those other Romantics who took too much joy in creating potent symbols to reflect the state of their characters than there would have been so much symbolism in the bracelet the now broken bracelet that was made from a red wire specked with blue and whose breaking would serve as a metaphor for the break in our relationship

or, since it’s not a “relationship.” as he, himself informed me a few days ago, it would serve as a metaphor for the break in our

casual sex

Tuesday, September 26, 2000


yo sarah,

i'm so glad to hear that your life is going so good. 26 hrs a wk? you are so intense, i would fold so quickly if i worked that much and went to school, you are definitly a rad girl!

so me and clay are no more. we had had an open something, but it was more difficult than i had thought. firday nite when we rolled, he was all over all these gross gay boys, namely louis (if they were hot boys i wouldn't have minded so much) and he didn't play with me much, i wasn't in the getting all up on everybody mood so i left the party and went and hung out with a bunch of people in palm court and talked to them. then later in the nite, like at 6, i was like i'm going back to my room you should come, because i really wanted to play and hang out with him, without all these nasty (non-rolling) gay boys who were all over him, and he was like i'm going to hang out here for a little while longer, so was like okay, whatever and went back to my room and listened to music, and was nice and cerebral, you know how you can just sit there and think forever about your life.

so i woke up the next day for dance and he still hadn't come back, he was asleep up in my friends room upstairs (lisa) because he said he didn't want to come in late and wake me up, and then later in the day i really wanted to watch the sunset and i asked him if he wanted to get up and come with me and he wanted to keep on sleeping, and then while i was at the bay watching the sunset i thought forever and ever about how much this boy could hurt me (like he did to dennis - the boy he was with when i got with him), and so i decided that i didn't have the emontional fortitude to handle him, and he was far too self-absorbed anyways so i told him that he had to move out of my room, but we are still amiable and friendly with each other, and he even left his tv/vcr in here (yee-hah!) bc he didn't have anywhere else to put it i guess.

then sat nite i met this really rad boy named charles and he's so cool and rad, he was visiting his brother who lives in sarasota, (charles lives in tallahassee ( 8 hrs away)), but i hung out with him all weekend before he left on mon morning and he's so fucking cool and he's going to come back down in like 3 or 4 weeks so thats exciting