Tuesday, August 12, 2003

For the past week or so, I have been eagerly anticipating last night, Monday night, the Cock, hoping to run into Craig, the NC alum I met there last week, that told me he would be there again this week. And so, I went there with Joe after downing rum and cokes with him in my kitchen, found Craig, talked to him, and was told by yet another crush that he's seeing someone.

It was shortly after this utterance by him that the peaking excitment of the past week looking forward to Monday quickly came to a halt. In fact, took a nose dive. The self-esteem that had been building in me for reasons that whatever sick notions of being liked by someone will foster, quickly fizzled, and how fragile our egos are. Our moods can change from one second to the next. Yes, that's very obvious, but fascinating to me nonetheless, that there is no real stable identity, stable feeling, that our emotional constituions are constantly at the whims of things outside ourselves.

At this point, I was ready to go home. Craig's friend gave me a blinking taillight for my bike before they all biked off home. I could find some symbolism in this. I will try not to.

I rode the subway home, with a nice Southern boy, a boy who introduced himself as Christopher (not Chris, mind you). He had brown hair and brown eyes, and had that same shy, overwhelmed look in his eyes that Sam G had. He was nice and I was glad to meet him, had no interest in pursuing it any further, and wished him a good night as I got off the train.

I am not doing so well on the boy front, but on the home front, I am doing excellent. Today at 7:30, I am hopefully going to go sign a lease for a three bedroom off the Lorimer stop to live with Dara and a girl I met at a bar, Jessica, in a room that I will be paying 400 a month for. Then, I will have the stability of a home for a year and can then devote my energies to finding additional forms of stability.

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