Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Ides of March, the failure to find a Caeser analogy here


Remember when we used to be closer? I am not sure what has happened, why the entries have been more infrequent and less detailed. It is not that I suddenly have so much more going on in my life and am unable to sit down for a moment and detail it. If anything there are more of these idle moments living here in the East Village at my computer then there were elsewhere, in past living situations further out, so much more of my time spent traveling to and from places and not sitting here idle in front of a computer. The problem is certainly one of position, physical one - that to write in my room, the only way to do so is by sitting up in my bed and having this laptop on top of my lap, certainly not a very comfortable position. What I would prefer (and what I will soon have) is more room, an actual desk to sit at it.

I am listening to Elton John and Billy Joel videos as well as those of Kansas ("Dust in the Wind" for crying out loud!), and either because I am listening to this stuff I am getting really emotional and sentimental or because I am emotional I have put on this music - not sure which is more to blame or if they are both at play here in some sentimental thoughts/sentimental music feedback loop.

Quite a lot has been going on in my life these days and there may be some time where I wish I had documented it better, or (so many of these or's here tonight), or perhaps I will be glad that this area was not documented too well, that some things are best forgotten. Not sure what I am trying to say with either one of those options, not sure if either is actually applicable, but what it is I would like to say and actually will say now is that quite a lot has been going on in my life.

My time to Mexico was interesting and put me through a lot. Traveling alone is an interesting experience, especially when you are already feeling a bit distant, divorced, from other people - that your reasons are suspect and your ability to connect with other human beings is pondered sometimes when you are eating a meal alone on a busy street in a city that is in a country where the dominant language is one you barely understand. There are also giddy moments when you meet strangers and decide to spend the next day with these people riding on a packed speedboat full of people to Yalapa, a small isolated beach town. There was a moment riding back on that boat where I was so in love with everything around me and I couldn't imagine how I could not spend the rest of my life at a Mexican beach, how anything could be more beautiful, more of this life, than that place. A day later though I would get on a bus and ride five hours back inland to Guadalajara.

My trip started there, in Guadalajara, before a quick three day jaunt to the gay beach town of Puerto Vallarta and then I returned back there, to the second biggest city in Mexico, for some reason. I stayed in a ten dollar a night hotel, the Hotel Hamilton, on Calle Madereo, which is the historic center of the city, also near where most of the gay bars are grouped together. The hotel was scuzzy, as was most of the city. I would spend my days walking around it, visiting the gay bathhouses, eating food here and there, and reading from my Lonely Planet guide and from Roberto Bolano's 2666. I made a big dent in the novel and am in love with the book (which hardly makes me unique at all, the book already so praised by everyone) and that makes me happy for numerous reasons, chief among them though is that I honestly don't think I have finished one book yet this year, haven't even really gotten emotionally involved with one yet. I used to read a book a week or so and we are now midway through the third month of this year and I have still yet to complete a book - that also says something about how I have been living my life as of late and why I am excited about the changes about to take place in my life, changes that I think will bring out much happiness and will help me be the type of person I want to be, that physical space is actually necessary to be a productive person within your own home. The book has me excited about not only reading, but about writing as well, and I should get back to that book soon.

The news though is that I am moving in a few days to an apartment in Williamsburg. It is a share with some people off of Craigslist but they seem nice and the room is large and there is a backyard. I am so excited about getting out of this gay dorm from hell where I currently reside, where I currently type this missive from. This place depresses me in so many ways, there is no real kitchen, the rooms are tiny, I have to change keys every week, I have to go to the post office to get my mail, and the landlord is batshit batshit crazy. It will be so nice not to live here anymore. I cannot wait. I was so excited about that apartment, the first one I looked at, so excited about its location, near where I used to live, where I probably have my fondest memories of living in New York, my first memories of living here, near my first couple of apartments, the neighborhood, despite its all too easily enumerated problems, feeling like home - and me jumping at the chance to move back there, telling the person I wanted the room and pulling out my checkbook then, after being in the apartment for about five minutes. Sometimes these impulsive decisions are great and are capable of without warning bringing you so much happiness, so much joy. The knowledge that decisions can me made without forethought, right there, and have an immediate beneficial impact is something I should keep on my mind constantly, that within each moment there is the potential for major life-altering change.

So there is that. There is the subject of boys, which should probably be addressed. I was quite slutty in Mexico. I have been quite slutty at the gym, jerking off just about every day in the steam room with someone or other. For a while, there was some fooling around with Diego but now sadly he is back together with his boyfriend and so that has come to an end. That is a weird situation that is probably best not to explore here so publicly, but the thing that can be said here is that I find myself still attracted to him, that that brief taste reminded me of the casual sexual friendship/relationship that we had, a really easy and nice thing, and made me frustrated that that is over because he is dating someone, that their monogamy has really hampered my ability to have the same awesome friendship with this person I like a lot and that I have a sexual attraction to. I don't know - again probably best not to explore that. There was a flirtation with this Micah boy for a bit before I went to Mexico but I have given up on that, me pretty certain it was going nowhere, the two of us diametric opposites in some ways. I did get asked out on a date tonight at the gym and declined, the person slightly creepy and blonde, pretty much an immediate turnoff. There is a boy I like at work, a person who just started, possessing brown hair needless to say, and really quite beautiful and awkward and charming.

I invited him out to this party I am helping to throw on Thursday and maybe I can drunkenly confess my crush to him then and make out with him. There is this party as well and that has been consuming my time, thinking about that, getting an open bar set up, and talking with my comrades about it. I am excited about this first night of it and to see where it goes. House of Ladosha is playing and I could not be happier. I love love what those kids do with that band and I want to see them blow up and for everyone to love them. The goal is to have performances every week and if were successful in establishing a weekly venue that showcased amazing performers and was also a kickass dance party, I would be so thrilled. But to not get ahead of ourselves, let's see how this first week goes. Certainly come. It is at Happy Ending in the basement this and every Thursday night.

There is work. I still am in love with my job and my co-workers and do feel really lucky to have stumbled into this opportunity. It's hardly an important job, but for whatever reasons I do love it and things are going quite well there.

There is this weather, still cold, and yet spring five days away. There is my excitement about a new season, a new house, a new outlook, a new party, and old interests, things I think important, revived - some crushes, some friendships hopefully, and my interest in the world of literature, as something that is life.

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