Perhaps if you don't want to have a melancholy morning, picking at emotional scabs over a cup of coffee, it is best not to put on The XX first thing. Perhaps I was mopey before I put on the music and that's why I put it on - I'm not sure at this point now. I do know that now I am questioning many of my life's decisions, thinking of what I could do to rearrange my life that would ease this sadness I feel.
There is a problem right now preventing me from even going into these problems, and that is the public nature of this diary, that more and more people will mention to me that they have read it, people I never mentioned it to. Normally, this is fine by me and something I take as a compliment of sorts that there are people that read this thing, however there are certain people that tell me this and the knowledge of which makes me quite uncomfortable, people that would otherwise be subjects on this site, boys I am sleeping with, boys I have romantic attachments with, boys I did. Diego tells me he doesn't read this site but has on occasion mentioned something I wrote on here, always doing so with a long story about how his ex read it and so it was in his history or something. Jacob told me that he found the site a couple months ago but told me he would not read it if I didn't want him to. And so there is that agreement that I should be able to continue to be honest without fear of hurting someone's feelings, that these people are not actually reading this thing, but I would not be being honest were I to say that I actually believed that would occur - I know would still read the diary of someone I was seeing if it was online. And so that is why the entries for the past couple months, my time seeing Jacob, have been sparse and coming every couple weeks or so, that the things I would actually like to talk about, my feelings toward being in a relationship, my feelings toward this boy, would have an adverse effect on that relationship with that boy, would somehow alter the terms of it, him knowing everywhere I was coming from, the whole story, which probably should be good, should be okay, but romance seems to be built upon shadows, things out of reach, doubts. To throw it all under flood lights removes some of the mystique, the fog and shadows.
But maybe that's okay, maybe that's what I want right now, maybe I am going to lie and say that these people told me they are not going to read this and I believe them, that it's okay to write honestly about them. Thursday night, I told Jacob I needed more space, more time to myself, time to read, write, and see my friends. That was the first night that we didn't spend the night together in nearly two months. I didn't sleep with him on Friday and didn't do so last night, hung out with him in the day, got off with him, saw a play with him, and then told him I wanted to read, slept by myself. It was really nice. I am increasingly unsure and yet also more sure of the things I want. I couldn't perhaps put them in actual terms of words, say that I want x and y to be happy, but can say that I don't necessarily want z in my life.
He is young, 20, and I find myself more aware of that age gap these days. He is also incredibly nice and sweet and fun and dirty, this lovely combination of qualities. But I don't know what it is I want. I know that when I hang out with Diego, I do feel a little crazy toward him still, know that I did try to sleep with him Thursday at Mattachine and failed as he ditched me to go home with some other boy, know that I left some crazy voicemails and text messages afterwards, know that I felt like shit most of Friday. I do know that when I go out and encounter some men (normally older men), I find myself feeling a bit woozy and getting that reckless crush feeling where I want to end up in their bed and have them make me coffee the next morning. I also like sleeping by myself, reading a book of short stories (this Justin Taylor book still) and thinking about my life, feeling perhaps real sad and being okay with that, embracing that, and not feeling like I had to entertain someone. So basically, I am not sure where things with this boy are headed. I do know that I am intentionally trying to take steps back, to establish space and see if that is what I actually want.
I am spending a lot of time on Kayak these days, really wanting to purchase plane tickets somewhere, to feel like I had a date to look forward to, a time I would be somewhere new.