A month or so ago, Jacob and I decided that we really, really wanted a French bulldog. Soon after, I saw them every place I went, one after the next, this breed I had never even really noticed until recently. I now saw one on every corner, a cute, adorable French bulldog. I don't understand things like that, how the collective general public will all decide that a certain breed is really adorable and suddenly they are everywhere. I don't understand how those trends start, wonder who it is that influences me and all these other people out there, how this ball got started rolling. Did they recently feature in some cute romantic comedy that I never saw?
A week or so ago, I ran really hard on my knee even though it was kind of hurting as I was jogging. I ignored the pain and continued to run because it is what gives me so much pleasure. That was a mistake as my knee hurt much worse afterward and now still hurts a bit and feels weird to put too much weight on, has me doing a slight limp when I am coming down stairs or particularly feeling it. Yesterday and today, I noticed so many people with limps, me thinking about this one and now noticing all these other ones - that or there actually being a much larger number of people limping and using canes today as some sign from this universe. I want a French bulldog and see them everywhere. I injure my knee, limp a bit, and now see limping people in every direction I turn. The mind is interesting, the eyes too. They work in tandem in ways I often don't think about - that these things are always there and your eyes for whatever reasons don't see them even though they are walking down the street right ahead of you, that until it becomes a subject in your mind you won't recognize it as such outside your mind, that your mind doesn't know of the word yet and so has nothing attached to it - there is an ideology and these things are outside of it. What other things are there that my eyes are not seeing because my brain has not focussed on them yet, obsessed over yet? Our vision is so limited by our feeble human brains.
I live in a new apartment. It is the cutest apartment I have ever lived in. I am really in love with it right now and am crushing hard on it. It felt lived in on my birthday this past weekend. Up until that time, it felt unfinished. Every day for the last two weeks involved something with the house - painting, or going to Ikea, or assembling all that Ikea furniture, painting some more, moving furniture so the super could replace some walls, picking up a couch, calling the super, seeing the super, calling the landlord, seeing the landlord, getting this or that fixed, or picking up this or that item. It was a great deal of work that went into making this feel like my home and I think I have succeeded in a way I have never done with a house. Mikki told me it looked like an adult apartment, that someone in their thirties would live in. I did not take this as an insult.
I turned 29 and I am pretty comfortable with that, really comfortable actually, but do have an acute fear of a year from now, of turning 30 and still being in the same position, that I need to be somewhere closer to the goalpost at thirty, need to be moving in that direction, doing things I would like be doing. I need to write, write, write this year and run once my knee heals and go to the beach and have lots of sex and get out of town. There is a lot to do and I am not bored and I am feeling pretty alive and really happy with how things are going right now with Jacob and feeling secure in someone else's company, that there is a boy that wants to sleep next to me every night and that will get stoned with me and be stupid. It's pretty awesome. But I'm also cursing this injured knee, wanting to run so bad. Today, I went to the gym and rode on the fucking bicycles, which is some sort of cardio and which was the only type I could do without hurting my knee, but the act of running and being in the air for brief moments and of really sweating and using your entire body - that that is going unsatisfied.
And I started reading this book last night, Eat, Pray, Love,, surely way after the point when everyone and their mom has but I just started it because, embarrassingly, I saw the preview for the movie the other day, which did not look amazing, but which did make me really want to read the story, that it might offer me something right now at this moment in my life, this story of a woman not too far away from my age, unhappy with her life, and who travelled off in search of meaning, of happiness. Because I am turning 30 in a year and because I know I need to change and do more things and get off my ass and that I am going to die one day.
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