Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Sufjan Stevens - Futile Devices

I had been looking for a pair of shoes, a simple pair of black dress shoes with a low heel, my problem with most new dress shoes is that they have too large of a heel that seems to be trying to compensate for something I don't want to announce to everyone that happens to look at my shoes. I found a pair I really liked a week or so ago sitting out on display at Urban Outfitters. After trying for too long to find someone to help me find a pair of these beautiful shoes, I found someone, not so helpful, but someone that worked there, and he stared me down before telling me that they didn't actually have any in stock. The shoes are nowhere to be found on their website and now they are not even in the store anymore.

There are two things I have decided my wardrobe needs right away, those being a pair of blue jeans (since my old ones no longer fit me (either me becoming larger or either my sense of how tight is appropriate or sexy shifting to something a little looser than leggings)) and a pair of sensible black dress shoes. The jeans I have found, the shoes I have yet to. I went to a couple midtown department stores this evening after work and felt overwhelmed and poor. I didn't find the shoes I wanted at any price. I did, however, find an amazing pair of purple suede boots at Bloomingdale's that I may return for and purchase next weekend when they are 30% off if I am still feeling their spell and also feeling the spell enough to drop so much money on such impractical shoes. But what are practical shoes? I don't have a job that requires them, but I am convincing myself that if I own sensible black dress shoes, aside from my own love of wearing dress shoes, my owning them will come in handy if I soon get a new job, which I keep on hoping will somehow manifest itself despite my failure to really apply for any, though tonight I did apply for a few, though these few are still at hotels, which is a world I would like to get away from.

So I didn't get shoes. I did go to Bloomingdales and Bergdorf's, which really terrifies me, the store such a weird throwback to Upper East Side haughtiness. Their shoes all sucked, though there were some other items I really did want to have in my possession somehow without paying the insane prices of everything there. I am thinking I'll just end up buying a pair at my favorite vintage shoe shop in the East Village since my searches have turned up so fruitless.

I rode the train home painfully aware of my white sneakers. I looked at everyone's shoes on the subway, some really nice pairs on display, and I wondered where they got them, really did not want to go another day wearing these white sneakers, that these pseudo-Keds are no longer appropriate given the change in season, given the change in my own mood, my desire to present a different image, to say that the lazy days of summer are over.

On the L train, I ran into Matt S., a boy I used to be obsessed with, that I used to sleep with, that I used to want to date. He lives in Philly now and is still making art, and he makes me feel like Ned, like a loser, like a sellout. He was wearing some crazy feather-like earring and a bright scarf. I still thought he was insanely beautiful and I want to be his friend and hang out with him. He is odd and beautiful and I see him about once every six months or year and it always makes me so happy. I am thinking about shoes, coming from Bergdorf's (which I did not admit when he asked me where I was coming from, only answered with a vague "looking for shoes"), and he had a stack of canvasses in his hands that he was moving and I was thinking about the Mexican food I was going to order when I got home. And I didn't always used to be so lazy, so complacent. I didn't used to be this way when I was sleeping with this kid, so many years ago. Different paths taken, paths crossed now. He got off at Bedford. I kept going. I was smiling ear to ear for a couple stops. The sadness set in not too soon afterward. It bounces back and forth. I bought a bottle of wine, a Cabernet, to try to get things to settle somewhere in between the two poles.


I am in love with this song tonight and have listened to it several times, the lyrics appropriate and Fall really killing me in the most beautiful way, making me feel everything terribly.

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