Sunday, October 21, 2012


There was this boy with a beard last night. There were a lot of boys with beards last night, a fair number with mustaches as well. I had chatted with him on Grindr a while ago, tried to chat with him. It didn't really go anywhere. I saw him a couple times last night as I flitted around the warehouse space where Spank was hosting a dance party. I never said hi, never wanted to, couldn't imagine those necessary steps. I just wanted to be naked in a bed with him. Not even though. A dark hallway, a bathroom stall - anything would have done. It was a fantasy I played out in my mind each time I walked past him.

I was a bit drunk. I had had a couple beers, a purple Four Loko (cause it matched my outfit), an ill-advised shot of vodka, and then quite a few whiskies on the rocks. At some point in the night, I started repeatedly huffing from a bottle of poppers that someone had very wisely thought to bring with them. I danced for a while but found it hard to really lose myself in the music. It either wasn't loud enough, I couldn't reach a point of fucked-upness to get into "dance" music, or my love of more easily identifiable hooks along with the presence of a human voice singing lyrics was too much of a hurdle on this particular night. I was also distracted by boys. There were so many of them, so many cute ones all over the place. Nick at one point said it was like Brooklyn Grindr come to life, that all of these cute faces were now in one space together. And while that may have been true, the pathetic thing is that it might have actually been easier for me to talk to these people on Grindr. I have fallen out of practice with talking to new people, hitting on boys. There were moments, many last night, when I wondered how this is done.

I took the subway home at some point. I stopped at the 24 Hour Dunkin Donuts by my house at four something and bought a doughnut and a breakfast sandwich. I woke up this morning on my couch, the sunlight pouring through my kitchen windows at some early hour, and a mental note was made to buy curtains later in the day.

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