I went to the post office today and mailed off my application for advertising school. I then went to the gym for a bit before finding myself outside on this beautiful day and relieved finally of this task of finishing this application that I had been under for the last week. I wanted to spin in circles and throw off a cap I wasn't wearing into the air - it was that type of day. The trees all have gorgeous blossoms on them, the sky was blue, and everyone was looking beautiful out on the streets.
I went to the Strand and bought Sharon Olds' Stag's Leap, a collection of poems about the end of her marriage that hit me like a punch in the gut as I read them on the subway later in the day, after wandering around this city, looking at boys, thinking about boys, thinking about life.
I went into store after store, looking at clothes this afternoon, saying hello to the cute shop clerks staffing the places, these beautiful men. At each place, they asked me if they could help me find anything. At each place, I lied to them, said no, because I was sure they were just talking about clothes.
On the Bowery, I saw this guy walking his dog. He was wearing canvas shoes without socks on and had his pants rolled up. That little bit of flesh always does it for me, more so than the skin exposed my a tank top or by an unbuttoned shirt. I didn't have my headphone on, and good thing, because it was very easy to hear the Pixies "Here Comes Your Man," playing in my head clearly. For a moment, I imagined I was meeting up with this guy, that he was walking toward me. It provided me a thrill of happiness for a moment. For just the briefest moment, I was able to trick whatever chemicals are released when you are meeting up with a cute boy, that thrill you get walking toward them. Him and his dog walked past me and the moment was gone.
I replayed this scene several more times with other cute boys passed on the street, sometimes substituting The Magnetic Fields' "The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side" as the imagined soundtrack. It is Spring and I want to walk toward someone, want to meet you on these sunny sidewalks, and wander this city together.