I am little stoned, a little tired, a little lovesick. Kind of the story of my life. Throw a burrito in there, some Mariah Carey, and I'd be set. Those are absent tonight though. I ate a salad, some dark greens, which I am going to get in the habit of again now that I am on a short break from school and can resume at least thinking about going grocery shopping, if not actually doing so. I am listening to Tears for Fears, though that may soon change because it's a bit distracting. Either way, it's not Mariah Carey and there is no Mexican food by my side.
I was looking at porn videos on Vine earlier. In the midst of these, I came across this really tender and touching Vine of Cole Maverick recording Hunter Maverick, "his crush of fourteen years." I watch their videos a lot - them fucking other guys, directing other people fucking, taking showers, jerking off, just being unabashed pervs seemingly 24/7, which is already beautiful enough. But this video really got to me. Vine videos can have this really intense effect through their repetition, especially when the viewer is a bit stoned or a bit drunk. You can sit there and watch the thing over and over again for minutes, each time parsing out some small little detail from that six second clip that speaks to the whole of what human experience is about, and I watch it again and again amazed to see this beautiful moment, to catch whiffs of what truth might smell like, in these brief clips, that only by sometimes focusing on such a small scene, making that the whole narrative, do you really see all that can be read from such a small scene, everything there is to unpack from the tiny moments of life.
I know what Cole sees when he is filming his boyfriend sitting across from him on the train. I have known that feeling. It is one of the best feelings there is, and yes, maybe we can deconstruct why that is, root it in some concept of possession, of ownership, of a capitalist ethos, but we are not going to do so because I don't know really how far those paths lead toward anything, what if anything they have to offer other than looping diversions from the main trail, taking you through bramble and never to the summit where you can see that amazing view. I miss that feeling so bad, that looking at someone that you are so attracted to, that you love, and knowing that they are in your life, recognizing how lucky you are and how nice life can be.
I still miss Jacob a great deal, if I were to be honest. And I can be because he's going to be living in London for the next couple years so I don't need to worry about what he might think if he reads this, how it might make things weird when we hung out.
"Welcome to your life. There's no turning back."
I did not change Tears for Fears. Thank God.
But I think you know what I am saying. What I am saying is that I am more than a bit sentimental these days, that I have this deep longing within me to couple up with someone. I want someone to look at while we are riding public transportation and be able to have that feeling of comfort and joy, knowing that you have everything you want.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. I am not sure if that means anything. Today, at the grocery store, the items I bought cost $16.66. I thought about grabbing something else, anything, and adding it my items, thinking that this number coupled with tomorrow's date was just way too ominous for my tastes. I did a Skype session with one of my teachers to talk about a final project I turned in and am now done with this first quarter of school. It feels so good to have a few weeks without school and to get some actual sleep, to have time to eat properly and exercise, and to again have time for a social life, to have some time in which I can go out to bars and dance and look at the young and old men this city of New York has to offer, this hungry bunch of men who take themselves to bars of the homosexual variety because they have something that needs to be filled, anuses, mouths, hearts longing for connection, couch corners where someone should be cuddled up next to them, livers. You know, various things. I have time to pursue those again.
I went to the drugstore by my house after finishing this Skype session to buy some shaving cream and a candy bar. And because this is becoming a monthly thing that happens whenever my rent and tuition checks clear around the same date, my bank account is overdrawn until tomorrow. When I purchased these things, as proof of how tired I am, I paid with these things with my debit card despite intending to pay cash for them, despite knowing that I intended to pay with cash in order to avoid an overdraft fee for these tiny items. I realized my mistake as I walked home. I ate the candy bar then and it tasted terrible, like shame and regret, and I ate it as quick as possible.
Tomorrow, though, just so that things don't appear as depressing - really I am in a good mood, I just tend toward the emotional when writing sometimes, oftentimes - whatever - sue me - but, tomorrow, back to the point (or what I believe to be one) is that I am going to see Azari & III play near my house, about which I am quite excited. There will be lots of dancing on my part. This, I can already guarantee. And, as probably goes without saying, I will be looking at the boys of this city, trying to catch the eyes of one of them in order to catch the something elses that they have to offer.