There are things that you can't control and then there are things that you can control. More and more, I am realizing that most things belong to the latter, that you can control most things. You can stand up straight, for one. I am trying to remember to do this, to exercise more control in how I present myself, for it to be what I would like it to be. You can dislike your job but you can also do things to change it. You can be a happy person. You can be friendly and polite. These are things you can easily control.
This is all such simple stuff, but also so easily forgotten as one moves through life day-to-day, letting exterior forces determine one's mood or posture or whatever other thing it might be. It's just a process of continuing to make ourselves more conscious of our own existence in this world and to exercise a little more authority against the winds that blow against us.
I should also mention that I am writing this after not leaving the house all day, now a little stoned. I am now feeling ready to tackle the things I put off all day. I had planned to do homework, to read, to work on my portfolio, to go the gym, and to go see River of Fundament. I did none of these things. It was another snowy day and there were all of these new episodes of House of Cards to watch. And so I sat on my couch and ordered Mexican food and watched way too many of these episodes. And that was okay. It was a decision I made and I am happy with it. There is a productivity in downtime. Tomorrow, I will be productive in more easily quantifiable ways.
I am at some point soon going to get dressed for the first time today, nearly 11pm, to head out to the city to a friend's goodbye party, someone moving to LA. I really though, much as I like this person, would rather just curl on my couch and watch more of Frank and Claire Underwood be deliciously sinister. Living in New York now for ten years, I have gone to so many of these goodbye parties, sometimes several of them for the same people separated by years. People come and go in this city all the time. And so I really don't care that much about goodbyes, about these rituals that people construct to have people wave them off from this city, however I should add that I think most parties people arrange for themselves for some occasion are always weird, suspect - maybe because it's so anathema to my own nature.
And so I will go and say goodbye, will put on boots to go through these streets to do so.
Frank and Claire will still be here, waiting for me when I get home. This is the company I keep - this devious couple, memories of exes, porn Tumblrs, dirty Vines, burritos, marijuana, and the idea that there might somewhere be a person out there.