Tuesday, October 24, 2006

giant steps/baby steps

Last week I met this really charming British boy, David, who allowed me to, in some small way, fulfill some Before Sunrise fantasies in his brief week in town. He left early sometime Sunday morning. In his brief time here, he made me really, really giddy. And thinking about this after his departure, I thought about what it is I do want, how those things are and are not achievable, and really just wanted to read.

The problem though is that now I have played in the green grass across the fence and really do think it's greener. Yesterday evening, I was supposed to have a movie date with Arthur, a boy who, while nice, does not make me giddy. That is what I want, that giddycrushhappy feeling. I was sort of dreading this date all day yesterday at work, pretty unexcited about it. I got home from work to a message from Arthur asking about our plans. I didn't call him back right away, instead laid down in bed, trying to think about if I wanted to go or not. I took a nap because that's what I do when I don't like to think about things, or find that I don't know what to do about things - sleep on it and hope things work out. I woke up an hour or so later and called him back to go see this movie I really wanted to see. I got his voicemail and left a message.

And he didn't call me back last night, which is maybe what I wanted, maybe not, but it did make things easier. And I drank lots of tea, some coffee, listened to John Coltrane, and read Gay Talese.

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