My corneas are fucked up. I learned this today when I went to the eye doctor to get some new contacts. I had known that my eyes were experiencing some troubles, having lately been having on and off terrible vision and occasional extreme sensitivity to light. Apparently, I have been wearing my contacts for too long each day and also not switching pairs often enough, and my corneas are damaged, though the doctor said they should be fine, that I just have to wear glasses for a week and lube my eyes up several times a day. This news scared me and I realized how reckless I have been with not only my eyes, this thing that you only get one pair of and this thing that allows me to process so much beauty, but also so many other things in my life, it all so fragile, and me, a kid, frustrated with it all, not knowing what to do, not being able to respond appropriately, breaking the dishes, the pretty things - self-destrutive behavior. There was that New Yorker article last week about the people that bit their fingers off.
I want to be free of that, the desire to bite my fingers off - metaphorically of course. I want to love and want nothing, to be happy with the things I have and free of bitterness and jealousy. It's really hard, but I do think worth striving for. I feel it sometimes when music is playing.
Several cops yelled at me today, as Niki had left me parked in her car that, unbeknownst to either of us, was blocking the driveway for the police station. I moved a carload of stuff today further out into Brooklyn, into my new apartment. I saw Avenue Q today. During that music, I felt it, the joy I want to feel all the time. I felt it yesterday also while watching the recent film version of Hairspray. I felt it on the subway platform today, a brass heavy trio playing and a trumpet leading it all, the thing a beat-up piece of metal and sounding like it also, the thing a terrifying call to sin, the noise making me want to dance with someone, drink whiskey, smoke, and do illicit things.
I want to love and I want my doing so to be independent of the other things and other people around me, to not need things from them to emit light, to be a conductor of the thing onto myself.