Friday night, I got smacked upside the head with what I think was a leg cast by a careless performer at this queer rock show in Bushwick. It hurt like hell and since it was right to the side of my head totally fucked up my hearing and my sense of balance. My hearing is still not back to normal. One of my ears feels like it is filled with water. This is disturbing, especially so since I don't have health insurance, and yet this is probably one of the least of my worries right now, though certainly up there on the list, a fairly long list, of things stressing me out and/or making me sad.
After calling in sick on Thursday and Friday to my terrible temp job at BN.com, being lost in a sea of cubicles all day long, no view of sunlight, punching in numbers all day long, and trying my hardest to stay awake, I quit yesterday, quit via email saying that I hated that job, unbearably so, and could not ever return to it. Needless to say, that was also an act of quitting my temp agency, something I didn't want to do, but something I had no choice about if I were to quit that BN.com job so rashly. As was to be expected, I got a very angry voicemail and email from my temp agency. So while there is my happiness about never having to be in that office again, there is also an awareness that I need to find a new job quickly and yet have no clue whatsoever about what that job should be. I could go on about this for a while and there are many threads that these thoughts take, but I will spare you those, saying only that because of another stressful thing in my life, thoughts about what I should do about my living situation, I have been pondering the possibility of working or volunteering in some other location altogether. Places being considered in these day dreams were San Francisco, India, Mexico, and now that Niki is trying to convince me to move to Puerto Rico for a month and sublet out this place, there are more than passing thoughts about moving to Puerto Rico.
So, yes, where to live is another big concern of mine these days. There is the option of staying here, which is not at all a bad option, of moving somewhere else closer with Niki, of trying to find a room that I could move into without Niki, or of saying goodbye to this town and all those options. But this concern and thought process circles back to the earlier concern as I think about how all of these options require more money than I have right now and how I need to continue working.
Also on my brain, and the thing that had been occupying pretty much all of it yesterday as I laid in bed crying or sleeping or thinking about how I should get out of bed, is my relationship with G. On Sunday night, I had a talk with him on his roof, him telling me about he was upset with me for Friday night and being sexual with him despite telling him I would not be when I told him he could sleep over, and then him saying that he did not want to have any more sexual contact with me, saying all of this in fairly stark terms that removed what I had loved about the ambiguity of our friendship, the occasional sexual encounter. His saying this prompted my eyes to get really watery as I tried to explain why this made me sad, doing so by confessing a known secret, saying how much I like liked him and how I had some romantic sentiments for him. And so this just made clear to me in a very definitive way something I had already really known, that G was never going to like me in a similar fashion, and it was this definitiveness that really broke my heart, that, as well as the now imposed boundaries on our freindship, and how now it would no longer be this thing that gave me so much pleasure, this odd sexual freindship. That there are rules and boundaries stings. I was totally misled growing up reading Anais Nin and Henry Miller and Ginsberg. That is what broke my spirit, realizing that sex, even in this one situation where I thought it could, cannot be this free and casual thing, that there always must be some drama attached to the thing.
About this also I could say more, but those tears have been cried already and it is a lovely day and my friendship with him is still there, will still be something great and enriching. About all of this, I could say more. I could, could do that, or I could do things, could apply for jobs instead of talking about it, could look into opportunities in India and Mexico rather than dreaming about it, and could look at apartment listings rather than fretting about that. Also, I have still yet to think of a Halloween costume.
Niki came home last night from Puerto Rico and I had had the radio on. We cracked some beers, talked for a while, and then a song she really liked came on, a really cheesy nineties dance song and she turned it up really loud, so loud that it even felt loud to my partially deaf ears, and danced around the living room to the song, danced around in a banana costume she was trying on, and I joined her and sang along with the radio, danced like a maniac, and felt so good, so good after spending all day feeling so bad, and there it is, the solution: social interaction and physical movement, dancing.
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