Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The body is a sensitive thing and I have thrown my body clock off its normal schedule by working a week of overnight shifts last week. I was supposed to work a 7 am shift this morning, which is normally what my schedule is but at 5 am this morning, still wide awake, I had to call in sick to work, telling my boss that I couldn't fall asleep, that I had been trying for hours and didn't want to work without sleeping. I got to sleep sometime well after the sun came up this morning and slept until three, which is again going to make it hard to go to bed at a decent hour and be in at work at 7 am tomorrow, but I guess I'll pop a couple Tylenol PMs at some point this evening to make myself sleep.

I never have trouble falling asleep and last night was so painful. I realized the real pain and frustration that other people talk about when they have discussed with me their trouble falling asleep. I understood what they were talking about in vague forms, but didn't realize how crazy it can make you feel to be unable to fall asleep. I tossed and turned, Jacob passed out asleep next to me, and I was so jealous of his sleeping state, wanted to be in that state too, tried so many things, tried smoking a lot of weed, tried breathing exercises, meditating, singing these couple of lines that calm me about the goddess - none of it working. Once I saw the sky start to lighten outside my windows, I became so frustrated with my body and my mind. Work is making me crazy these days. Two people that work in my office quit without notice a couple days ago because of the situation there. Now, they have to hire more people, which means I shouldn't get stuck with overnight shifts anymore, which means who knows what. Their departures have sparked in me a reexamining of my life, a wanting to get on with things, to move my life in some other direction. I don't know what that it is, what it should be, what it may be. I do know though that I get paid quite a lot of money for relatively easy work and there are very few jobs I'd be able to get that would pay something similar. I do also know that once I settle into my new apartment and furnish it and pay off some bills, then I am going to take a lot more seriously the task of looking for a new job, will be paying several hundred a month less in rent and won't necessarily need a job that pays as much.

Tonight, I'm going to see Vaginal Davis's show at PS122, am going to try to catch some of Joppy's album release party, and then will be hitting up a bar or two, all of which will hopefully exhaust me, the multiple locations if not the alcohol, and will make me able to sleep tonight before the sun comes up.

I am obsessed with running lately at the gym, need to do it just about every day to feel good. The bodily high produced by this running is something unique to this activity. I run and run, making the treadmill go faster and faster and watch myself in the mirror ahead of me, imagining myself running through fields being chased by villains, outrunning everything and everyone, none of them fast enough to keep up, and escaping, being free.

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