Monday, March 14, 2011

this must be the place

Yesterday, I came across a post on Facebook that upset me a great deal. An acquaintance that I'm not sure how I ever befriended on Facebook, one of those people, someone who moves in a similar queer Brooklyn circle, but whom I don't think I've actually ever talked to and yet somehow am Facebook friends with - that type of Facebook friend - well, this person, nothing against them because I am sure they are really lovely, but they posted an artist proposal for a project documenting sites of queer public sex, calling for drawings of people's memories to make an atlas. The reason that this disturbed me and still does is because there is this long-running project I have been brainstorming in the back of my mind now for a good three years that is really similar to this. I have been wanting to make a NY travel guide, though all of the locations are to be sites of erotic/romantic memories for me, many of the places no longer even existent. These things are in the ether and people often have similar ideas it seems, but I have to really get moving on this long-delayed project even more so now. There had been the intention to finish it before Beltane two years ago to bring copies of it there. That clearly did not happen. And I have been thinking of it more and more lately especially as I think about all these things I intend to accomplish in the next few months, things I want to do in my twenties, before I turn thirty in June, long-delayed projects and plans that I want to finish before I hit this mark of thirty for some reason.

And so yesterday when I stumbled across this proposal, my mouth literally dropped open and I mouthed shitshitshit. I am a little worried that it will appear to some people that I was influenced by this person's project and that is upsetting, but I have to do this. I have been thinking about this for years, have already written a couple entries. I just need to swing for the fences and kill this thing. I am also less interested in specifically situating my travel guide in these terms of queer space, and more so interested in situating it in a Sebaldian mourning for places that no longer exist and acknowledgment of ghostly memories, the way presences and moments can reoccur long after at the same site. So that is project #1 for this week, to spend all of my free time making this happen and making it even more amazing now that there is this similar thing being worked on. But that also scares me a great deal, but also maybe that's a good thing.

Other things: I wrote cover letters and emailed resumes for about eight jobs that I really want today. I hadn't actually hit Send in so long. It felt great to send out email after email. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment in even this little act that I had been postponing for so long. I have been tinkering with my resume forever, but today I finally finished tinkering, quit making excuses, and did this thing I have been trying to do for months. A new job will hopefully be mine sometime this summer or sooner. Prior to doing that, I spent hours editing a porn that Jacob and I taped last night. I taped some additional footage this morning and spliced all of these into a sexy, hot narrative that I like. I want to make more videos, not necessarily porn, am amazed by how easy it is to edit videos on a Mac. I have had a couple cups of coffee today and I feel positively wired. Also, how come I never realized how insanely fucking amazing Earth, Wind, and Fire are?

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