The defections of friends from my place of employment continues at a rapid clip and it has me a bit depressed. The end of Charlotte's Web and all the spiders are leaving, everyone going off in their own direction. It has me depressed, one, because at this moment I am not really able to leave since I am attempting to save money for this European vacation happening in July and also know that no other job will hire me only for me to take two weeks off after working only a month. Two, it has me depressed because even if I didn't have these travel plans which I am claiming as the reason why I can't leave this job, I am so unsure of what it is I want to be doing, but not just that - more accurately I am unsure of what I want to be doing and what I would also be hired to do. There are many things I would love to do which I am sure I will not be hired to do as sending out countless resumes over the past year to no response has proven to me.
I have said this before, but I really mean it: I have to get out of there as soon as I get back from Europe.
I watched the very last episode of Oprah's show today and it made me a bit depressed for similar reasons, more people leaving, spiders going off to do other things, to live their lives. It also made me a bit sad because she talked about all of these things I am feeling lately, that one has to live a life that inspires them, that your career needs to be something you love. She put some parameters on that to make it more achievable, saying that this should not be confused with fame, but one should do things that one gets pleasure from or one finds rewarding and then she gave some examples. It was actually a good last kick in the pants from Oprah on her way out the door that has me again trying to pin down some idea of what a good career would be for me that I would find rewarding and which would not make me have a tight jaw all day long, which would not make me angry.
But I think the easy anger I have been having at my job lately is not only due to numerous friends leaving and me feeling trapped in some pathetic stasis, but also because I am sexually frustrated. I haven't had sex in far too long. I can't even think of the last time, probably about a month ago in all honesty. I have become very frustrated with Jacob because we sleep together every night and rarely touch each other. We have become so domestic, so boring, so asexual with each other. We get high and watch movies and fall asleep, rather than getting off with each other. Also at fault here are our totally opposite schedules, that I am usually asleep by the time he gets home from his evening shifts at midnight or later since I normally have to wake up at five something for work at seven. But even during his last couple of days off, despite hanging out together, going out to eat, going to the movies (Midnight in Paris and Bridesmaids), going to a club (Vandam), going to an improv show (Assscat 3000), we still never fucked.
For this reason, I have been angry and horny. The other night, I was at Rawhide with some friends and started making out with some boy I spilled a drink on, was about to go home with him, and then stopped myself, saw that I could, which is usually all I want anyways, more so the knowledge that I could rather than actually doing so. It's weird. I don't know. I do. I don't want to put it in words is what is more likely. I have been jerking off multiple times a day. I am happy when Jacob isn't home so I can really lose myself in porn and getting high and get off with myself and whatever bodies are dancing across my computer screen. I am going to try to start doing more sex work, not only to make money for this summer, but also because I love it. I miss the dirty, hot sex. The passioned losing of one's self, the submission to physical desires, the dropping away of everything else. When someone calls you for sex, they are not looking to chat, to get high and watch a movie with you a couch. They want your body and want to fuck or want to drink piss or want to be choked or want something specific that they masturbate to and fantasize about and you can have some role in that, help enact these fantasies, participate in them, get off in a passionate frenzy.
I came home from work and immediately got high and watched Oprah and jerked off at the same time, occasionally put the tv on mute to focus on a porn clip on my laptop. The two were not in harmony. Oprah was talking about something else that I wanted to hear, needed to, but these bodies were saying something I needed to hear for different reasons, and I paid more attention to them until I got off, wasn't sure which reasons should be held to be more worthy. Then I turned back in to Oprah and felt like shit because I wanted to fuck one of these boys on Grindr that weren't online, because I hate my job and feel stuck there, because Oprah was telling me to do something I loved, and I wasn't, I haven't been. She told me I was slowly dying and I was pretty sure she was right.
i'm so sorry to hear you say that about you and jacob. i've been stuck in the same boring domesticity for 6 year now, all the while thinking that it would get better, that he'll want to touch me again. i finally admitted to myself that he won't. he rejects my advances, too. we've been together 20 years total, and i love him dearly, but i just don't think i can stay any longer.ReplyDelete