Sunday, November 24, 2002

Just because..

Because my other diary has some readers that I know about it, because here it seems a little more private, I am going to update here right now to tell about my new crush. And so yeah, I say I don't want people to know, that I am not writing this for an audience, but that's a lie - I am, very much so - otherwise I would be writing this on a paper journal. Knowing other people might read this makes me actually write, because I am sick and you are too, and it's a wonderful feedback loop between me writing entries, you reading them, you writing your own, and me reading them, us reading them - and it all seeming like it matters - like the cause is a noble one, a joke we are all in on. We get it.

And I wrote a card yesterday, a very out of control one with a very specific audience, the boy I have a crush on and that is probably going to make me seem scary, like a stalker - I signed it "from your secret admirer," but I think it is not secret, that I blew my cover last night when talking to this boy, this very dreamy boy for a brief couple minutes in the Fishbowl where Robert Schober was having his birthday party and people were rolling around on gym mats. And he, Ben Haber, was sitting at a table by himself, drunkenly staring off into space, and I was nervous, so nervous since I had never talked to him, but it was very rare that he is by himself, and I knew I had to take advantage of this moment, that this would be the perfect opportunity to meet him.

I went and sat next to him, started to talk to him, and eek gods, I have not been this obsessed with a boy in the longest time. The crush started a couple of weeks ago at his little genderfuck wall when I was convinced that he was the coolest boy ever after watching him dance all night like a little rock and roller. I have tattooed on Rebecca's back with wite-out, "I Love Ben Haber." She has managed to get it off, but I am still obsessed, so much so - and I think an apt analogy to describe this obsession to anyone that knew me last year would be this is sort of like my Mark Fessenden crush, where this cute skinny boy is dancing really cool at the wall, where I believe that this says something about him, about his personality, that unrestrained dancers, that people that look like they are comfortable, having fun, living - are good people, that there is something intrinsically good about people with plexi-heels. That I think Ben Haber is so goddamn cool, and I am insane, this is weird obsession. Two nights ago, I wrote a note on his message board in front of his door, yesterday I made a card - and last night, talking to him, I said some things that will probably give away that I wrote the card.

I heart crushes. I heart Ben Haber. I heart life and crushes that make me excited about its prospects, about potentials and maybes, just maybes. just maybe...

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