Sunday, November 24, 2002

ten statements not necessarily related

1. The weather outside is chilly, my heart is not. That is cheesy. So fucking what? Let's embrace the cheesiness, let's make it real, our lived lives.

2. I am listening to random mp3s that I downloaded this summer on Bonnie's computer, right now I am listening to Elton John's "Your Song."

3. While I was trying to think of a number three, the song switched to Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon." My mom and her sisters love this song, and play it very often when they are together. My grandma loves Frank Sinatra. I really am convinced it has something to do with their being Catholic, the appeal of Sinatra. I really dig him too, and have bought a couple of his albums in this last year. Today is Sunday, I was thinking about going to church a couple of days ago, that I should really bike downtown this Sunday, that it would be a good activity for me, that it would ground me, perhaps redirect my thoughts towards greater causes (see number 4).

4. Greater causes: [A little sidenote: right now, I am listening to John Mayer's "My Stupid Mouth" - I think John Mayer is fucking amazing.] The sun is shining through Bonnie's blue curtain, through the top right hand corner of it, slowly descending further down the curtains, further into sight, meaning that the day is coming to an end - and I feel like I have sort of wasted it, that I have sort of wasted too many. I am going to go to work in a couple of hours and that'll be my day. I want to do things with my days, noble things with a noble heart, a pure one. I want to love this world more, I want to see this hazy sun every moment - to live with that Sunday morning feeling, to stretch out into afternoons, into nights, into seven whole days even. I really feel like I don't appreciate exisitng here in Sarasota, on this planet as much as I should, that too often I stress about silly things, spend my time! my fucking time! I spend it investing energy into these silly things - that I just need to dance through life, and smile at people I encounter, most of them at least. I need to cool the rage in my heart, or at least redirect that rage, channel that energy into positive affirmations of you. Living life with more care, with less caution. And there is a quote from "Y Tu Mama Tambien" that has stuck with me ever since the first time I saw it with Sarah Patnode in a crowded theater in Arlington. Sort of. The quote is one of two things. I cannot remember exactly, but the spirit of the message remains, "Life is like the surf, so give yourself away like the sea." I am going to give myself away, to stop being guarded, I will submit to god, to life - and they're the same thing, you silly zealot.

5. On Wednesday, around noon, I will be flying out of Sarasota airport to go home for Thanksgiving, and I am real excited to see my mom, to see my sister, to see Virginia, to feel its even chillier weather and to gather clothes to wrap myself up in, to bundle up in, to feel warm in. I want to feel warm in general. I do feel warm, but clothes, big fuzzy ones will just help solidify this feeling of warmness.

6. By dad called at the beginning of last week, left a message on my machine, I have not talked to him since probably July - I really had no desire to talk to him. The message freaked me out so much, it was a nice friendly message, but it was not what I had expected to hear on my answering machine at all, I have been so succesful at removing him from my life, of pushing him to the back recesses of my mind - the message just brought up all those horrible things to the front, to consciousness- and I was really pissed, really mad, and was going to not call back, to do my best to ignore him, but my anger dulled into a feeling of obligation and I tried calling the cell phone number back that he left, but luckily is was out of its service area or something. I feel bad for not wanting to talk to him since he is dying - but it just is too much, or was too much emotional shit that I am really not capable of dealing with, it is stuff I just don't want to have to deal with. Now that I am ready to embrace life, to accept the natural cycle of it, I am not as hesitant to talk to him. We'll see if he calls again.

7. Today is possibly my last day at Domino's, unless they schedule me to work on Tuesday.

8. I sat through the first half of "The Family Reunion" last night, and it was so fucking painful, so bad - but I knew that I couldn't leave until intermission, and during that time that I had to sit there, I thought about lots of this stuff, how sitting there was such a waste of time, was not benefiting my soul at all in any way - if anything, it was having a detrimental effect upon it. At intermission, I ran out of Sainer with about half of the audience, and felt that I had been given a reprieve, felt that I was alive again, that life held promise and potential, stuff better than already bad TS Elliot poorly performed, that I was motherfucking alive, and the air was chilly and it felt good - a little rush of adrenaline from leaving, from escaping modernism, entering instead into a positive affirmation of culture, of the world, of our lives for god sake's, entering the getaway vehicle, and making our way down Bayshore Road laughing.

9. I made a secret admirer card for Ben Haber yesterday and stuck it in his mailbox, half jokinlgy, half seriously.

10. And I think that that right there is the secret recipe for succesful living, for a sincere engagement with the world: half jokingly, half seriously.

No comments:

Post a Comment