Saturday, March 22, 2003

grab life by the balls and fellate it

The human body is 70% water. One of those facts that are common knowledge, that are circulated for whatever purposes. What is the other 30%?

I took a bath tonight, lost myself in a tub of hot water, let that seventy percent of me merge back with itself. I died in that tub. When I am in the tub, I am even further gone than usual, even less conscious of my living than I usually am. But the difference between the two states is not that great, and that is a problem. I was lying on my bed, drying off on a towel, resting, letting my heart calm down to a normal heartbeat, and I thought about this as I regained my thinking capabilities after pushing my body to almost passing out from so much hot water, about how life is not really consciously lived lately. I have not been being human. I want to attribute it to my throat, say that my throat hurts, I think have a virus. And maybe I'll accept that doctor's note even though it does look forged, but that only excuses today, what about yesterday and the yesterdays before it?

I want to be human. Human is self-aware man, when man is conscious of his existence, maybe even hyper so, and I have to to get there. I am excused for today. Remember, I have that note. I am taking Nyquil and drinking tea and liquids, eating soup. Filling my body maybe even past that 70% marker. Something is missing and I do not know what, I know it's not a product I am going to be able to purchase or steal from the grocery store. While fancy cheese sure does please my senses, there is something else I need and I don't know what. I read novels and watch movies too much, read them hungry. Consuming all these cultural products in the hopes that something'll click. But I think I am going to have to do the clicking. Produce more, consume less. Eugene's mantra is going to have to be put into practice. Some how.

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