-Do laundry so that when Niki is here she can take a shower with a towel not covered in grime and cum. But even more so, do laundry because I really do not think I have done laundry in two months and every single day when I put on smelly clothes and stiff socks, I am a little disgusted with myself. I should try to amend these things that fill me with self-disgust, so that that way, I can minimize my unhappiness.
-Clean the dishes, take out the trash and recycling, clean the bathroom. Cinderella, Cinderella.
-Purchase milk, coffee, lotion, and maybe some food.
-Write a snazzy cover letter so I can apply to intern at Soft Skull, Verso, and Nerve. Do this today.
-Maybe look for some fun jobs. Obviously, working at the Strand is not the exciting place it once was. I called in sick today after finding out yesterday that I still had one more paid sick day at my disposal. I have now used all ten of my sick days and it is not even April. Now there will no more three day, or even four day work weeks. And that, my friends, is an awful thought. But soon, it will be warmer. Today, it even edged up there to past forty, and then a huge reason I never feel like leaving the house will be gone, and it will be a lot easier to step out into warm sun, even warm cloudiness and head off to live. People, I don't know if you are aware of this, but I live in New York fucking City. I was reading through my old journal the other day and saw some things I had written shortly after moving here. I will transcribe them here, so you can understand what I am talking about:
5/23/03: Tomorrow, it will be one month to the date since I left the sunshine state for the big apple where so far the sun has decided not to come out, save for two or three days, where its rare presence inspired a joy in all and created an appreciation for nature, for the good things in life that can only come from being denied those good things for a while, and I've been perusing this journal and all these entries have been about wanting an unidentified thing, a more exciting life. And now, there are no excuses. I am here in one of the most exciting cities in this world of ours and I am hopping on it, taking it for the great thing it is. I am learning lessons, thinking about how - -'s rock n' roll attitude toward life is the type you need to approach life with. And like the sun, which is now in absense - so was a sense of urgency in Sarasota and parts, times in Madison. And now, I appreciate it even more so than all those New Yorkers out in sunglasses smiling when the sun shows. I am young and I am alive and I am in New York. Life is pretty damn good. I have a job at a cool bookstore. I'm not living out on the streets and I am desired and even more importantly, the thing that is making me alive, is that I have desire. That is life, when life is good, when it is being lived, when there are things (non-material ones, of course) that you urgently desire, and that I am going to fucking chase down the street, tackle, and beat the shit out of!
And I will ignore the fact that the next entry on 5/28 is one of non-urgency, of ennui. I have to somehow restore a sense of urgency to this project of living. Reading this 5/23 entry made me aware that yes, I am here in New York, no more fucking excuses, where else would I be, what would I be doing? There is no reason, none at all for me to not to be the happiest fucking clam in the world right now. And bored? Ha, fucking laziness knows no bounds.
-Live urgently. Do things, start with laundry, and go from there. Come on, drink more coffee if you need to, just get going.
No comments:
Post a Comment