Sunday, January 31, 2010

Self imposed five minute time limit here to write things because I have to go pick up tickets to see "In the Heights" tonight. Thinking about sexual frustration and violence and serial killers. This morning, I started to fuck Jacob. He was hurting and said he had to shit. A while later, I was holding his dick in my hands and telling him how I wanted it inside of me, it yet to be, us playing this same role night after night. He said soon. I wanted it then. We messed around, dry humped, and I asked when he would fuck me. He said Two weeks. I lost interest, became a bit mean, was annoyed, and thought about lots of things that made me sad. I thought about topping and bottoming and how this role of being a top is not a role I am entirely comfortable with, a role I have never had to play before for a sustained period of time, a role I had only played in sex work situations really before, never having fucked Diego. And so I was thinking about role reversal and what I had signed myself up for, whether it was what I wanted, became really unsure, and pulled away as Jacob dug his stubbly chin into my neck, it not feeling good, me feeling uncomfortable and unsure of lots of things. I hopped out of my bed, got dressed, made coffee, and didn't really talk to him for a while, played around online. I eventually sat next to him on the couch and we looked at each other for a long time, he asking me why I was mad, me saying I wasn't, me not being entirely truthful. We looked at each other some more and I asked him what he was thinking. And he told me he was feeling insecure, that he hadn't fucked anyone in a few months, and liked me and was insecure about it. And my coldness melted to some extent and I again saw this adorable little thing and we talked, which is probably what I should have done in the first place rather than shutting down. We made out on my couch and he left for work.

Five minutes is up.

However, serial killers. So I watched this A&E Biography of John Wayne Gacy on YouTube after he left and really got to thinking about violence and sexual frustration and wanted to work this subject a great deal, my brain consumed by thoughts of Gacy and Dahmer today, these two epic gay serial killers and the reasons behind it seemingly some sort of sexual repression and frustration. And there is a subject here with a lot to parse out and I am trying to do so, really into thoughts of these two right now and broader analogies about sexuality.

But I have to get dressed. We have already exceeded our time limit.

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