Monday, June 25, 2012


Saturday morning, Jacob and I were riding the ferry to Fire Island for a day trip there. The gay guys in the seat behind us were recounting sexual escapades for each other. One of the guys was telling a story about meeting a 22 year old at Tea Dance, how he hooked up with him after, and how then the 22 year old asked him what his plans were for Pride, if they could meet up in the city. The punchline to this story went something like, “That’s a 22 year old for you – they fall in love with anyone they sleep with.”

I was sitting with a 22 year old on the ferry and was wondering if he had fallen in love with me just because we slept together nearly three years ago.

Fast-forward a couple hours later, the two of us are lying on the beach naked, drinking vodka and Arnold Palmers. Jacob had been a bit standoffish the last couple days with me and I asked him about it. He was reluctant to talk at first, which scared me because if someone is hesitant there is usually a reason, the news is probably big news, upsetting news. Finally, he admitted to me that he basically wants to be single, that he misses freedoms he had before dating me, fun he had before dating me, that at times he feels smothered by me.

I wasn’t expecting this at all and wasn’t prepared for this. I had always imagined this man in my life forever. I didn’t think it would end. I told him this and started to cry a bit when doing so.

We were hours from home, away from any cell reception, at the edge of the world, peering off into the ocean, alone with each other. Despite this talk, we spent a few more hours at the beach swimming and tanning and then went and had a couple drinks at Tea Dance before heading home on a ferry as dusk was settling over the bay.

When I woke up yesterday, I looked at Jacob’s sleeping face, trying to fathom what my life was going to be like without him in bed next to me every morning, how much I would miss this sight. I woke up and we had sex. I kissed him a few times throughout but he didn’t seem to be into kissing me and so we just fucked. Afterwards, covered in his and my own semen, I went to take a shower. I turned on the radio by our bathroom, turned it to KTU, and turned it up loud, just wanted to jam out to loud pop music. The song, of course, that came on was Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable.” “Everything you own in a box to the left,” I sang along to in the shower, thinking about what a fucking drag it is going to be to have to move.

We talked on the couch some more yesterday morning before each going to do our own thing for Gay Pride. He said he isn’t sure what he wants, not sure if he wants to be single or not.

At brunch with some friends, I pounded back some drinks immediately and felt better. I was wearing a low cut tank top and some cute shorts. I was getting looks from cute boys on the streets of this city and feeling good. Words of wisdom from Latrice Royale were going through my head when I was getting dressed yesterday: “Get up, look sickening, and make them eat it.”

I watched the parade and then met up with Darnell. We bought nutcrackers on the street and drank them on curbs in the West Village, talking to people, talking to each other about our lives, really bonding in this nice way, opening up emotionally with each other. We then went dancing at a few bars. I ran into Robert and Mark at Nowhere and went with them to Metropolitan. They were playing old disco and soul tunes and people were dancing. I was dancing. At some point, Robert and Mark said bye to me. I stayed on the dancefloor, dancing to song after song, really feeling quite happy and alive.

I walked home and stopped at Gran Morelos. I ate a burrito at the counter there. Some twentysomething guy was passed out a couple stools down from me, waiting for his food. The television was playing some animal special in Spanish. I couldn’t understand exactly what the thrust of the program was or what the voiceovers were saying, but it was really quite depressing footage of animals being pulled apart from each other in zoos or in the wild and seeing the intense loyalty of these animals to each other, the sinking depression as one elephant saw another elephant downed by a tranquilizer. The scene after that was of this family of polar bears, mom and two cubs. One of the cubs was taken by what seemed like scientists and you see the panic and confusion on the face of the mom and other cub. The cub that was taken away made the most depressing yelp that you have probably ever heard in your whole life and the show kept looping the yelp over and over.

The waitress was enthralled by this show and kept gasping, shaking her head, and covering her mouth with her hand. I had to get her attention to pay my check.

I did see though before I left that the cub was released back to his family after he was tagged or whatever it was they were doing to him. This made me feel slightly better.

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