A piece of me is missing and I am realizing I am never going to get it back.
Ever since our talk on Fire Island on Saturday, Jacob had yet to make a final decision about our relationship, whether he wanted to be with me or not. The last few days have been fucking hell for me. I cry at random moments throughout the day. I cry as I am falling asleep in the dark. I have been remembering to bring sunglasses with me in case I get emotional on the subway, which has been happening quite a bit.
Today, I thought he might have made up his mind. I knew he hung out with his friend last night that he might move in with and he said that he was going to talk to him about what he should do. When I got home today, he was asleep on the couch, but woke up when I closed the door and gave me the cutest fucking greeting. He got up and gave me a really warm hug and asked me in his cute fucking voice how my day was. I was looking for signs. I was taking this body language as a good sign. I thought that he might tell me he loved me and he was so sorry for putting me through this but that he's realized he wants to be with me. I have sadly been playing out this fantasy in my head so much over the last few days. I kept on hoping that every time I came home, something like that would happen. It didn't. It's never going to. It's over.
We sat on the couch and I asked him what we he was going to do. He said, "I guess we should tell the landlord we are going to move out." I asked him if he was going to move in with his friend and he said yes. They were very definitive answers, absent the vagueness and maybes that had given me some hope that this heartache might be healed still. The flowers and the "I am sorry, I want to spend my life with you" were never going to come.
He sat on the couch for a while and I played on my computer waiting for him to leave for some opening he was going to. I wanted him out of the house so I could actually cry like I wanted to. And I did. I am not sure it's all out of my system. I cannot believe this. A week ago I thought I had a perfect relationship, that I was with the man I was going to be with for the rest of my life. I love him so fucking much. I have been happy for so long with him, for most of the nearly three years I have been with him, that I forgot how fucking shitty and alone in this world you can feel when you get dumped. It's even shittier a feeling when I know that person loves me. I know Jacob loves me a lot and likes our living situation and that's what hurts even more, that the decision wasn't necessary, that it didn't have to happen. He wanted more independence and to experience things that being tied to another person often prevents a person from having. And those are all very respectable reasons to end a relationship. It takes a lot of courage to say goodbye when you are comfortable so that you can grow into something else. It takes a lot of fucking courage to do that and even though I hate his decision and it has broken me, I do admire his bravery.
I have never had anything this good with another person in my whole life. I have never felt so comfortable around another person, so at ease. I really don't want to have to go through this again. I don't want to go on dates and talk about my interests and hope that maybe one day it will turn into something as magical and great as the thing that I had once, that one day I will know a person. And I know that these feelings pass and that at some point in the near future, I will probably derive enjoyment from these things, that I will do fine and so will Jacob. But I wanted to do fine with him. He's my babe.
It's hard for me to even call him Jacob, which I have been trying to do ever since he let me know he wanted to separate. I have struggled not to say babe, which is mainly what I have addressed him as for the last few years. He's my babe though, my cute fucking little Jacob, and I cannot fucking believe that he is not going to be that anymore. I have done so much with this guy, have seen so much of the country and the world with him and I cannot imagine him not in my life. I think the point is coming across, but I am insanely devastated. And I know that it's not in best form to unload all these things on the Internet, that there is something a bit unseemly about such a public detailing of your emotional hardships online, that it's better to keep those things to yourself, that there is something exhibitionist about the whole thing. And, yes, there is, because I am in fucking pain and I want to share it with someone. I want the thing to exist in some space outside of my own mind, to put the words and these thoughts out there in the air so that I can stop carrying them around inside of me.
I also want to to talk through these things, to somehow make sense of them. I want to write these things down and then close with something hopeful, want to realize after writing all these things that I am going to make it, that this is not the end of the world. Though it may be the end of a beautiful world I had created with this other human being, it is not the end of the world.
I don't want to move, but don't know how that would be possible. I really cannot afford to pay the rent for this apartment by myself. I might do it though for one month to give myself a bit more time to think through things and figure out exactly what it is I want to do with my life and where it is I would like to be living. It scares me so much not to live with Jacob. I don't want to. I don't fucking know what to do with myself. I wish that this was a dream I could wake from. I wish he would come running back through that door and tell me he's sorry.
We're strangers, but I feel for you. What he chose may have been brave in its way but facing what you're facing requires bravery, too.ReplyDelete
So sorry to hear your are hurting, Charlie Q. Perhaps you can go back and reread some of your entries about Matt from years ago and realize that these things come and go and you have and will continue to change and grow. I know it's no consolation to losing a big love of yours or being sad at the moment but I trust that your next love, whenever that may be, will be bigger and better. xxReplyDelete
Charlie, my heart feels for you. Last year my partner of 20 years began making it clear that he was falling out of love with me. It got to the point that I could no longer stand being still so deeply in love with him knowing that his feelings for me had changed, so I moved. Nothing has been so hard in my life. I have never hurt so much or cried more. Sometimes all I can think of is that I just want to go home. (He had a new boyfriend waiting in the wings, and they're happy.) I fully understand your reluctance to date, but you are still quite young in spite of your entries where you lament turning 30. Make yourself do it. From reading you for years now, it's clear that you're a good guy, a reader, a thinker, someone who appreciates art and music. You're a catch! Another good thing going for you is that you're hot and other hot guys think you are, too.ReplyDelete
I'll be thinking about you and wishing you all the best.