When I was taking a shower yesterday morning, I noticed an empty spot where all of our bath products are kept, a hole where Jacob's used to be. He is housesitting for the next couple weeks and I guess he brought them with him but the hole really hit me hard. It was the first step of his absence. Soon, if we do indeed separate, he will take all of his things and there will be empty spots all over this apartment. I am so scared of that happening.
I sent him a final email yesterday to ask him to work through things with me. I don't know if his decision is final or not, though it seems like it is. The last time I saw him, there was the slightest glimmer of hope because he said he was going to use his time housesitting and being apart from me to really think about things. I am praying and hoping with all my might that he comes back into my arms. At the same time though, I am preparing myself for a life without him. It will be painful and suck at first, but it soon will not and I will make the best of whatever my new situation is. But I am crossing my fingers and hoping with all my might that he will not end our relationship. I want my babe back so fucking bad.
I hung out with some friends at various bars and houses around Bushwick last evening and then came home with a friend that I have had a crush on for a while. We got naked and cuddled in bed together, rubbed our boners against each other's backs, held each other. It felt really nice last night. This morning, though, the cost of all of those beer and shot combos and Four Lokos began to take their toll. I felt awful and this boy and I fooled around for a while but it faded off into me just wanting to sleep and cry. This boy was very beautiful but he wasn't Jacob. I saw bits of Jacob's dandruff on the sheets and wondered how long those would still be there, these remnants of him. I tried not to but I started crying with this boy next to me, thinking that Jacob might not be in my life anymore, looking at these white flecks on the sheet, wanting him again in bed with me.