Monday, December 31, 2012

looking back, looking forward

In a little less than ten hours, this year, 2012, will segue into 2013. Now, whether that actually means anything, whether there is such thing as units of time distinct from one another with qualities their own is another thing, a debatable thing, that there probably is just life, this life, that we are temporarily enjoying, and it's just one big chunk of time. But because I am human, because I am living on this calendar system, I do put stock in years, in looking back on them, trying to take them as a whole, learn some lessons from them, and with those lessons live better in new years, in this approaching one.

Looking back on this past year, there was an event that overshadows the rest of the year, that makes everything else fade into the background. It was just past the mid-point of this year, in late-June, when Jacob, my boyfriend of two plus years, broke up with me. It is now nearly half a year past that point and, still, I find myself strongly affected by it from time to time. There are still nights when in bed alone, thinking about being in my bed alone, I shed a few tears thinking back to my time with him, lamenting that those times are over. I lost a lover, a companion, a best friend. Last night, when my eyes started to water, I let myself cry. I told myself to enjoy it for one more time, the picking over this wound, because there would be no more tears shed about this in 2013, that this was it, that we have lamented this for too long, that we are putting this in the 2012 scrapbook and sticking it on a high shelf, out of reach.

This past year started out with me leaving my past job of three years, a job in hospitality, for another job in hospitality. I am making less money and there are times when I think that it was a mistake to switch jobs, but 99% of the time, I am really happy that I made this change. In this upcoming year, I want to get out of hospitality, or at least out of the frontlines of it and its shitty hours. And, yes, I am in the midst of interviewing for a concierge job at another hotel, and, yes, I really do want this job since it pays nearly twice what I make now, but by the time the year 2013 ends, I would really like to find myself not working in hospitality. I might find myself living in Los Angeles.

I quit Facebook this morning. I have done this before and am not sure how long it will last this time, that it often does seem necessary to be on it to keep in the loop about certain things sadly, but I am going to do my best to not look back. If I could add up all of the hours of this past year that I have spent on Facebook, I would probably cut that number down to a third of what it actually was before telling you, and yet I would still be embarrassed. It is a vicious circular loop that I get trapped into and I have wasted so, so much time on the site. No more. 2013 is going to be a productive year for me.

I was not very productive in 2012, despite finally getting out of my comfort zone and leaving a job I had become stuck in. I ate a lot of great food and saw some amazing concerts and had some amazing moments with friends. I didn't love enough though. I certainly did not write enough.

I have been trying to find a section that I read in The Brothers Karamazov that really inspired me. I may have imagined this section since I have been having great difficulty in finding it today. It had to do with love, love for other humans and for the planet, for everything in this world, that it was only through this act of loving, of universal love, that the world takes on any meaning, that this is what living is, what life is, that without this life is absolutely meaningless. I may have actually conflated some sections of "The Mysterious Visitor" from the novel with themes from Love Actually.

There are lots of things that I am unsure of, but there are many things that I am sure of, and I am getting a lot better about drawing lines when things contradict the things I am sure of.

I am going to minimize my dairy intake in 2013. I am going to try to avoid most sugars and sweets. I am going to try not to smoke. I am going to work out more. I am going to write. I am going to love and live.

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