Thursday, February 27, 2003

mixed signals

This cat bothers me more than it probably should. I need to learn how to forget about things, people, and cats that are not interested, that do not want me, and seek out those things, people, and cats that do, that don't hiss when I reach out my hand, when I reach with love.

We are babysitting anotheryourself's psycho cat for a couple of days, and for whatever reasons I want this cat to love me. I want to win over its heart. I get the impression that this is what it wants. It rubs against my leg lovingly, like it wants me to pet it, and then I do. I pet it, delicately touching it and then kittie goes psycho, jumping towards my hand and hissing at me. Fucking tease! Don't rub against my legs, purring like you want to be petted, like you want to experience love only to slap me away, you stupid cat.

This cat depresses me. It just seems too symbolic of my life right now, another thing rejecting me. I had a dream last night, a lot of them. I set my alarm for ten and hit snooze every ten minutes for an hour and a half. Nine times or so. And doing this, hitting snooze continually lets you stay in whatever cycle of sleep the dream state is for so long, for hours. And the dreams made me happy, made me feel loved, desired. There was circular flow with feeling flowing inward and outward, no stopper, no cork on the outward emmision of these feelings of love, and I woke up, and there was that cat, that stupid cat, putting a cork on this feeling of love yet again, hissing at me, at my love.

No comments:

Post a Comment