Monday, January 14, 2008

I made a to-do list last night and was feeling pretty good about myself today and my progress with this until now. I have just spent the time I set aside in my day for writing by instead being in some sex daze, seeking it out (yet not entirely whole-heartedly even) on Craigslist and Manhunt. I have finally closed those browser windows, something I should have done minutes after looking at them, rather than two hours after the fact. And I sometimes wonder where my day goes, how time goes by so quickly, and here is the answer right here, these last two hours, how I can spend so much of my time in a daze, non-conscious, and rather zombie-like marching with a limp, outstretched arms, and some zombie groan toward sex. I think that I might have to begin unplugging my wireless router to prevent me from using the Internet as a distraction when I sit down here to write.

But prior to that, I called about things I needed to call about, purchased house items that had been needed for some time (sponges and shampoo among those items), went to the gym, did yoga at home, read, and went to the thrift store. The to-do list really helped shape my day and remind me of things that I needed to do. I am going to try to get in the habit of making one every night for the next day so that I can wake up and have some plan for my day.

Despite the bit of guilt I feel about wasting so much time on such silly sites (and yet not even producing the only justifiable excuse for being on such sites, that being sex), I do feel great phyically from having done yoga earlier tonight and so am going to let that guilt about wasted time and the stress it is producing go. I could feel guilty and could whip myself for being such a lazy shit, for claiming that I want to be a writer and not doing the one thing that a writer needs to, that being to write of course, but that is unproductive and also a waste of time, a way of procrastinating. Things will happen when they do. Hopefully tomorrow I can be more committed to the practice than I was tonight. Yoga is increasingly becoming a necessary part of my day, something that I need to do in order to feel relaxed and unburdened. After doing it, there is such a nice feeling of calm and I want to try to live in that feeling more often, to bring that sense of centeredness to every aspect of my life. I am working on doing that.

Each day that I do it, I am able to do the poses a little bit easier, am able to stretch a little bit further. The discipline that I am trying to bring to my life will be similar to this. Each day, I hope to wake up a bit earlier, to be a bit less wasteful with my time, and to write better each day. It is just a matter of getting into the habit and practice of doing these things. I am happy with the progress I have made today and I expect to continue it in these forthcoming days.

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