Wednesday, September 10, 2008

a free man in new york

At some point last night, on the back patio at Metropolitan, sitting next to each other in plastic deck chairs a bit wet, Diego made some reference to the fact that we have been seeing each other for seven months. Nearly ten, I corrected him.

And it's over now. He was drunk, again, and again saying things about our relationship. It was stupid because had he not said those things I would have gone home with him to his new apartment, would have slept curled up next to him, and would not be this single person I am today. But I am happy he said those things, happy about how things went, happy to be on my own and ready for new experiences.

He said that I didn't want a boyfriend, that I was already in a relationship (not true), and other things that made me so angry at him, angry that he didn't get it, didn't get that I liked him a lot and wanted to be close to him, that I want to be head over heels in love with someone, that I wanted to spend daytimes with him and not just nights. And so I told him that it wasn't what I was looking for, that it apparently what he wasn't looking for either, and that we shouldn't try anymore.

And so I went home alone, a little sad but also quite happy about my future. I tried and it didn't work out and I am ready to keep trying, to meet new people and not be involved with someone, and maybe get a little crazy about someone. I talked with Diego on the phone today, it was very pleasant, nice, and we have plans tomorrow to hang out tomorrow in the park as friends. I am really happy with just about every aspect of this - the time I spent with him, the friendly parting of ways, and my clearer sense of what it is I want and the living, the maybe finding that thing, but the living more so, the walking around and looking at things. The sky is so beautiful today. I laid in the park, read a lot, and got really emotional when I heard a Neil Young song on the radio today. I am feeling quite alive and am so grateful for that.

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