Dizzy and tired, I watched Joe Lieberman praise John McCain tonight. I was lying down on the couch because this PEP treatment has the side effect of sometimes making me very dizzy, mainly late at night and early in the morning. I haven't felt totally present since starting this medication a week or so ago and cannot wait for it to end in a few weeks. My head is foggy a lot and I often feel like I have butterflies in my stomach, and that is also a way of explaining my absence online as of late.
I hate Lieberman, have always hated him, voted for Nader partly because he was on Gore's ticket, and to hear his stupid little voice tonight made me so angry, the fucking twerpish sellout. It made me feel more crazy, more not present, to be watching this freak show and listening to people chanting U-S-A and all this stuff about the military and Fred Thompson talking nonsense, though funny nonsense, and Laura looking drugged as always with her crazy eyes, and Bush making bad jokes and guffawing at his own lame attempts at humor, and the crusty white people cheering on the Jew for this one night, and it all too much for a person who spent his evening doing laundry, hobbling on a foot he somehow cut open today, waiting for a plumber who never showed up, talking to a crush on the phone, deflecting the texts of the person I had unsafe sex with, the reason I am on PEP now, who when I told him I was tired asked if I was too tired to pump one in him, and all of this garbage on the television, PBS's extended coverage, when really everyone is thinking about Sarah Palin and what seemed like an interesting tactical selection is now seen for the reckless, on a whim thing it apparently was, and have you seen the pictures of the guy who knocked up the seventeen year old? And when Lieberman in his nasal voice called Obama "young man," there was a repressed "boy" that I heard him saying, an infantilizing, patronizing tone. I was in a horizontal position, head twisted to the side, too dizzy to move, forced to take in this stuff lying down.
I did copy editing today for the business magazine and will be there all week. I joined a really gay gym this afternoon. I am reading David Carr's The Night of the Gun and I will talk more about that when my brain is clearer, when I feel less foggy. I spent yesterday at the beach. I saw Vicky Christina Barcelona last week and it is still on my brain, the questions it posed about romance.
There is a mosquito flying around my apartment, just out of reach, surely planning on feasting on me once I pass out in my bed, which will be quite soon so that I can hopefully go to yoga in the morning in an attempt to feel more sane, more grounded in something. And I should probably stay away from the news because the cycle is endless and more and more carnivalesque, more and more insane, and does the mental health of a nation, of its politics, affect that of its citizens? Will my head explode if I watch Sarah Palin tomorrow night? I am feeling more and more crazy with each astonishing story I read about Palin and McCain's seemingly total lack of vetting with regards to her. I am thinking of Philip Roth for some reason - my brain is not in tip-top shape (these meds again) so I can't recall what book it was, but in it, the main character is going crazy because of Nixon, getting too wrapped up in the news around Nixon, becoming more and more angry. I don't know what parallels I am trying to make, am not coherent enough to make them, but there is something of that, was something of that, while I watched Lieberman tonight, the rage, the anger, the wondering what was going on, and what exactly the fight was.