Thursday, February 19, 2009
I don't know where this life of mine is taking me, feel more lonely than I have in a long while, but also somehow feel in certain ways better about my life. I just got off the phone with my aunt - my dad's sister who I haven't talked to in a year or two, since she got a little too emotionally pushy on the phone with me once trying to tell me how good my dad was and how I would understand things one day. She is getting divorced from her husband, Ed, and was calling because she wanted to now make me the beneficiary of her life insurance policy, which is a weird thing to think about - to think about someone's death and about money associated with it. This conversation went much better than our last one - she still a bit on edge and sad over my dad's death, quite nostalgic and attached to him still, the two of them really close and having come from a difficult childhood in Chile here that she always hints at and tells me she is going to write me about one day. Because I have lost someone close to me lately, I was able to understand what she was going through quite a bit, how she was sad that she was getting divorced but also how she was happy about it, that the relationship wasn't good, that it was something she should have done long ago. I told her that walking away is really hard, but sometimes necessary. She told me that she wakes up now and can dream and think about the things she always wanted to do and can listen to the music she used to listen to and not have to watch TV all day. She is 58 and told me she is not meant to be married. Talking to her is like talking to no one else - emotionally draining because this one subject of my life that no one else from my family ever talks about - my father - is talked about and she talks about how I am so like him in so many ways, weird to hear if you knew the whole of him, but also probably true if you knew the whole of me. I don't know. It is a Thursday night and I am going to go drink at Eastern Bloc, see some friends, some boys I like and some boys I should no longer like. I am going to Mexico in a week and beyond that I don't know where I am going, what this life holds for me.
at 7:23 PM