will i be pretty? will i be rich? what will become of me?

it's been a few months since i last tried this online diary thing, maybe it's time again for my semi-monthly entry.

let's see, let's see, where to begin?

umm, well, i'm at work right now bored out of my fucking mind and playing around on the internet. i'm working at the best western a couple blocks from my house. i work at the front desk. no no no. i sit on my ass behind the front desk, sliding the rolley chair around the office, changing the tv station, throwing food in the microwave and playing around on the internet.

prior to coming to work, me and bonnie did a heist at publix. we filled up our cart and walked out the door with it. it was so easy as usual but right in the last moment wherein you join the exiting people i had a little crisis of confidence and so thought that we were going to get caught. and i made bonnie push the cart out of the store. but i am not writing this from a jail cell, and so obviously we did not get caught. sometimes i wonder how long my streak of not getting caught shoplifting can possibly last. i mean, it's the basic law of probability right? i have to get caught at some point in time. but, whatever, i'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

and i am soo so excited because i will no longer be in sarasota as of january. i will be a pseudo-new yorker, going to school at hunter for a semeter. and my plans for next semester have gotten even better as of yesterday when my roommate bonnie decided that she wanted to go to ny too. so last night we searched through village voice classifieds with dreams of being "hip" and "bohemian" in new york dancing through our head while cute little kids danced out at the wall. New YORK - ahh - i am so excited, i can't even handle it. sporadically throughout the day, i just scream new york to myself remembering that i will be there soon, and then getting all super giddy.

but, before it was my definite plan, when i was still weighing it, my mom told me that my dad's lung cancer had gotten worse and his prognosis is that he has six to eight months to live. she also said that he has lost a lot of weight. so that is what made definite my plans to go to ny, so that way i would only be a 4 hour trip away from home since there's tons of trains always running between dc and ny. i don't think the reality of this situation has entirelly dawned on me yet. i occasionally am hit by flashes of reality in which i shudder thinking that by july, my dad will probably not be alive.

shit. fuck. that is the scariest thing ever. i have yet to deal with the death of anyone even semi-close to me, and so all this is very upsetting. it still does not seem real to me that my dad, whom i would always play soccer with and listen to him blast his loud acid rock (the dead, and pink floyd), is slowly dying. not only is it upsetting for reasons of my dad's impending death but it is also messing with my head forcing me to confront my own thoughts on mortality. i've been fairly agnostic for a good whiles, but that was so easy when i did not have to think of death as the end of someone's "existence" -- if there even is such a thing and it not some mental construction of ours, giving man an exaggerated self-importance.

i am trying to continue believing the whitmanic idea that man is not distinct from the earth, that he is merely earth and so there is no such thing as death, it is just a transmutaion of one's body back into a fertilizer state.

but, you can't really talk to fertilizer and that is the thing that terrifies me -- that there will very soon be a time in my life when i will not be able to call my dad, when i will not be able to call him a lame-o, or make fun of him for being deaf, calling him an old man -- that my social reality will be served a major monkeywrench very soon.

but, as ned flanders taught the town of springfield to sing in one episode: que sera sera

subject: re:

From: "charlie quiroz"
To: [rebecca]@hotmail.com
Subject: Re:
Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2001 15:25:54 -0400

hey becks,
me and bonnie were just looking at the new nc web page to see if we were on it, but we didn't even notice you -- that's super exciting, but guess who'd not on there? yep, me and bonnie. and drew.

so, what's the drama in beck's life that you alluded to a couple of days ago, are you still going to visit fidel, despite the int'l sit.? how's the farm?

i just turned in paper that was due yesterday by 4, becks i don't know what is wrong with me but i just could not write it to save me life, i was flipping out and thinking i should just drop out and it was only a freaking 5 page lit paper, rebecca i get so easily stressed these days. i have another paper due on friday, and this one is going to be so bad, it's going to be . . . dear god, in heaven no, don't say it . . . a philopshy paper. oh, i want to cry just thinking about having to write that nonsense for that bobo language and politics class.

clay was here this weekend. our wine tasting party was lets of fun -- we even had a red velvet walkway going up to our house which was pretty funny. let's see, the best western is the coolest job ever, it is easy street let me tell you what -- i work 4-12, i'm the only one at the front desk, and i probably actually have to do work for about two of the hours i am there, i just do my homework and watch tv, and eat, and listen to the radio and wait for people to come check in. easy life. and , i am doing far more studying than i'd be doing if i weren't i work, so i'm basically getting paid to study which is cool

oh, i'm seriously thinking trying to go away next semesterm through national student exchange, but i have to decide like yesterday if i want to or not, so i don't know what i'm going to do, i really wanted to go to howard but i missed the deadline, but now i kind of want to go to u-mass at amherst, but i have to see if they're still accepting. i just feel like i want to be somewhere else trying something different, not that i don't like my little fiefdom i have set up for me, where i know everywhere and it's superfun, but i think i want to take a little breakie-poo, you know?

well, bonnie keeps saying she's going to mail your contacts but i don't think she has yet, in fact i'm pretty positive she hasn't. yesterday she said she couldn't cause she didn't have your address.

oh, there was a whole article in the catalyst about me about me possibly having to go to student court, and they put the silliest quotes in the world in there from me, and there's a quote from our good friend markie mark blaweiss and the funky bunch and he says, "i can't wait to teach charlie a lesson." or something really funny and sinister sounding liek that.

well adios, becks, let me know what's the dealy with your life in va and all, hey?

beck re ah

From: "charlie q"
To: [rebecca]@hotmail.com
Subject: beck re ah
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 12:18:38 -0400

rebecca i so hope you come down to visit in the fall, are you going to? rebecs- i miss you so much, me and bonnie have been stealing alcohol from publix and getting drunk every night, last night was our 10th night in a row, we are way o-o-c. and, becky got back two days ago. rebecca you need to come here so you can hang out at the wall with me. cause bonnie and becky are bobo, i go with them and then all they do is talk to guys or hit on guys, and it is so superobnoxious when people are this boy/sex crazy. i need some good ol rebecca who has her head on right and isn't so fucking boy crazy, cause it gets super boring at these walls yo.

mini-classes started today, i am in between mine right now.

and let me tell you how sad i am beck-- andrew has decided that he doesn't like me or something, i've been trying to hit on him for like a week and he just blows me off-- he's hitting on this stupid, ugly first year whose name is jd, and who i refer to as that stupid jd power and associates boy. beck -- it's so sad, i've never felt so pathatic about boys ever. and there is no one else at school that i am interested in except for this one first year whose sexuality is questionable. beck, what is an unwanted boy to do?

i get very annoyed at bonnie sometimes when she's super drunk cause i'll tell her this sad story about andrew and then she'll be like, "so, do you think (insert just about any boy's name here) has a crush on me? blah blah blah" and nora's never home cause she's always with her boyfriend. and school is all a flux, i don't know what the fuck i'm going to do, cause there are all these classes that i want to take and all these i need to take, and i have to find a lit sponser, which may not happen this semester because most want you to have taken a class with them, and all the ones i have taken classes with are not here this year.

oh, i saw arianna yesterday which was super super exciting, she's living in b-dorm. oh and i hate mike sanderson, he's so obnoxious, every night he makes some comment about how everyone hates me, and i don't understand what he's talking about, and for some reason he always manages to talk to me right after andrew's blown me off or something.

and i'm really not pathatic all day, i just get in pathatic funks throughout the day, and right now i guess i'm in one again.

well, how bout you take a little trip to the sunshine state, miss wood?

love
charlie

re:

From: "charlie q"
To: hinbeh@hotmail.com
Subject: Re:
Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001 00:01:07 -0400

beck- yo i am missing you here in sarasota. i'm in the house. me and bonnie are being pre-orientation leaders together, and they're feeding us free food, but we have to go to training for five days for eight hours a day, yo -- you don't even know how much i was ready to shoot myself today in training.

and, i have some super duper exciting news for you. are you getting excited? guess who's moving to arlington in a few weeks and was super excited that she would be able to visit bec? can you guess? here's a clue: rod stewart sort of sang a song about her telling her to wake up.

yep, yep -- it is none other than maggie ray, i saw her today and i was so excited to see her, i had been hoping so much i would see her again and i ran and gave her a huge old hug, it was so nice. i saw andrew briefly two days ago, and now i am jonesing like crazy for that boy yo, today i was hoping i'd run into him on campus so much, reba-kah, but i did not. so hopefully i'll run into him tomorrow

shane is still in texas -- he will be coming back on the 20th.

rebecca please come visit us in the fall -- pretty pretty please, i need some good ol' rebecca adventures yo.

the drive down to fl. was pretty fun. we stopped at south of the border and all sorts of other cheesy places, it was good times, and becky and phil came and stayed with me to for a night, so that was exciting.

i'm in the hcl lab right now with bonnie and jasmine writing e-mails in the dark so the cops won't see us in here, somehow bonnie has a key. where oh where is andrew, beck? what's the latest with your cuba plans? i had an interview for a box office job at the asolo and guess what i did not get hired, they wanted me to make a committment to be there x-mas eve and the day after x-mas, i was like uh-aw, see you folks later, i will be in v-a.

nora's kind of wacky and she flipped out at me about 20 mins ago, she works like a dog, i never see here, she is constantly at work or sleeping or with her boyfriend, thank god for bonnie, she's a fun girl yo. not much new college gossip yet cause not many people are here (aka shane),, oh anne beat a girl up in this shower at a party, it's a pretty outrageous story. bo has long hair. i have fro hair.

well, miss beck, i'm going to end this here cause i'm starting to babble, but how bout you give me a little write back, you know? and did you sign bonnie's guestbook cause she was just freaking out about a weird signing.

--charlie

it's a living thing

okay, we are really eventually going to start writing these entries on a more frequent basis.

i just finished reading a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, and the ending has me artistically inspired to create. it has me feeling like shit for wasting so so much time on my ass. but, i'm home with my folks for the summer and around them i lose all motivation to do anything at all. maybe it's that i'm embarassed to do stuff around them -- i don't know. and so this is today's declaration #1: next summer, i am not going to live at home no matter how broke i am.

i didn't really want to come home this summer, but when i was trying to think of things to apply for in march, my mom in a very serious voice said that i needed to go home. i didn't really argue and decided to come home and work there for the summer. when i got home, my dad told me he had lung cancer. my mom has since told me that his prognosis is not good. it's not something one can really ask questions about, like how long do you have left to live? but that is the question i am wondering, and i am worrying/wondering that that time may be soon -- because when i was bitching about having to be home my mom said that she wanted me to come home so i could spend some time with my dad but that i could go somewhere next summer. does that mean that this is his last summer?

it's a really weird feeling, and i feel sick for thinking about these things, trying to come up with a time frame, and worrying that i will have a nervous breakdown if it happens while i'm at school, and i'm worried about petty things like how it'll affect my academics and other bullshit that healthy minds should not think about, i tell myself.

also today, i was supposed to be in this sex video with this middle-aged perv named carl, so i drive all the way out there and he tells me that he's feeling sick and we'll have to film it after he gets back from vacation. but he gave me a $100 deposit for coming all the way out there. so, i made any easy 100 for doing jack shit -- and i'm thinking about just not doing the video and keeping the money cause all he has is my e-mail address. and while i was there, at this smelly apartment that was a gathering for sexual deviants, i was asked my this old man with a long white warped santa beard if i'd have sex under hypnosis. okay, this is fucking santa asking me not what i want for christmas, but rather if i'll let him hypnotize me and fuck me while taping it.

there's something about really old people, that just repulses me -- maybe i'd get it on with his young elves, but santa is too fucking old. i'd fuck rudolph before i would santa.

oh, and i have a legit job too. i work at this organic market in dc, which is sometimes fun. and i was a minion of satan until two days ago doing (yes, the most evil of evils:) telemarketing. i sold subscriptions to this theater in dc, but had to quit because i couldn't deal with being one of those obnoxious people who invades your home, crawling through phone lines, hawking their ware. that, and i hadn't sold one subscripion yet, either. i sucked at telemarketing and decided to "leave" before i was fired.

oh, and at the organic market, they usually play classical, but today it was 70's funk and rock and i've had these two lines from a song in my head all day and i don't even know what song it is. but it's so positive and happy, but not blithe or any bullshit like that. it goes: "it's a living thing [doo-doo-doo-da], what a terrible thing to waste."

that song and the book by dave eggers have made me eager to do something with me life. oh, and another contributing factor to this desire to create is my purchase yesterday of the movie purple rain. prince was signed to warner brothers when he was eightfuckingteen. okay, i am now twenty -- two years past that point with no major artistic accomplishments, and even more importantly (and the reason for the lack of accomplishments) - a complete lack of artistic talent/skill.

all of this forcing me to think, about what am i going to do, what will i offer, what can i do to make things more pretty, more fun:

resolution #2: get out of the house more often, you lazy motherfucker. every night that you are not working find something to do, and get someone to go with you.

resolution #3: dance more often

when i was at school i would dance 24/7 but now that i home i don't dance at all, again it'd due to whatever influence being around my family has upon me

so, it's a living thing - what a terrible thing to waste

W.L.M.

yo [redacted],

you've turned in your john moore paper, right? you better have, miss meg. and sorry for taking so long to respond to you, but mtv has had me in a trance. it's really sick, all i watch is mtv -- i'm so fasinated by it, it's so wonderful.

so, you're in new york now right, how is it, you love it? yo, you are so lucky, let me tell you what, if i were in new york i would be fucking stalking that gorgeous snl boy jimmy fallon. you know who he is, right? he's so super cute. megan, i've decided this is the boy you are going to pursue, you can do it megan, you better. jimmy fallon is the dreamiest boy ever, i keep watching all my sister tapes of snl and staring at that kid, yo.

so, correlated to my love of mtv is my lack of a job, i have still yet to find a job. i do absolutely nothing except hang out all day, which my mom does not love so much, she is forever telling me how i need to get a job, and so i am determined to get one tomorrow, and i might even work at borders which i told myself i wasn't going to do anymore.

oh, but today i made 150, it's really funny and it involves whitman. so, i did this jack-off video for these two middle-aged guys at their apartment today. or, i tried too. i thought it would be funny, you know? so, i got there, and i was so turned-off the second i walked in -- their apartment had that rank apartment smell where it smells like cats or some shit even though they don't have cats, you have to know what i'm talking about. well magnify that by a gazillion and that might almost come close to what this place actually smelt like. it's funny how in this situation, this smell is the biggest thing i remember-- trivial details are the big ones. and speaking of bigness, one of the guys was 300 plus pounds and looked and talked like Divine in Hairspray playing the tv station owner (one of his few performaces not in drag). okay that's what this dude looked like and the other guy was just a 40 year old pervert. i get there and he pays before even filming, so i was excited. then they start filming and they start off asking all these silly questions that they wanted hot answers to, like "what do you think about when you masturbate?" [did you have any fun experiences like this at pleasures, i'm really fascinated by sex work, and that's one of the reasons i did the video, tell me about all your fun pleasures time]

and so basically, umm, i was not excited per say in this rank setting with these sleazy gross men, and so their tape is ten minutes of me laughing, and trying to get excited. but to no avail. i finally was like, look yo, it ain't going to happen, i ain't going to get excited, let me give you your money back. and he was like no, no, no. so, i got an easy 150 for just playing with myself, oh and here's where whitman came in handy, paul said we'd remember those lines at certain times, -- well, i did. i was like look, yo-- this is what i really think about when masturbating, and then recited the "copulation is no more rank to me than death" lines and then i left. it was such a grand exit with those whitman lines, and i have paul to thank for all of it, oh how was the dinner with him?

but, they have both sent me e-mails already -- the fat guy is wondering if i'll let him go down on me once a week for 50, and the other dude wants to film me getting it on with him for 250. i probably won't do either, but 250 sounds nice. i just feel like prostitution might be my one boundry that i won't experiment with --- the sharon olds poem, "sex without love" came to mind as i read their e-mails. and this entire experience has led me to question why i like photographing people sexually -- i feel like it may be from the same slightly perverse, definitly voyeuristic reasons that these guys had with me and makes me feel sort of dirty, and so i feel like i have to approach how i photograph people differently.

yo, yo megan, i want to come visit you later this summer, so we can work together on stalking jimmy fallon, you know. are you working, meeting cute boys, reeking havoc on NYC, let's hear all about the adventures of miss [redacted] in the big apple..

adios -- charlie

how does this work? [THE FIRST ONLINE DIARY ENTRY]

This entry here marks my first foray into the world of online diaries, my first entry in my original online diary at gun.diaryland.com.

so, i'm trying out this online diary business after being addicted to the diaries of countless people. and i'm also bored as fuck right now.so, i'm home for summer in the great state of virginia, and it's super pretty right now. everything is lush and green and not humid. i'm on summer break from school in florida, and i'm going to add more soon -- i just am playing around right no with this to see how it looks and all. i promise i'll be a lot more witty and literate later, first i must work on design. . . adios

the big bad wolf

>From: "charlie quiroz"
To: [daina]@hotmail.com
Subject: who's afraid of the big bad wolf?? it's me, it's me. [SING IT NOW!!]
Date: Sun, 24 Dec 2000 22:39:25 -0500

daina is a punk, how's life with you and whatnot, better?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

today i think was my last day at borders since the x-mas season is over, i don't think they'll need me anymore

i just got back home from church with my family a little while ago, it was bad, first i fell asleep and kept nodding off and swaying during the sermon, then while they were preparing the eurachist and it was quiet and solemn in this packed church, i burst out lauging, me and my sister both had a wild seizure of giggles because the people ahead of us, a teen girl and her old mom danced (and i mean shook their fucking ass) to every single song, and these ain't no fun baptist songs, these are stodgy, organ-led catholic songs, and they were groovin away and in sync with each other -- i mean i just went hysterical, i have seriously not laughed that hard in years, meanwhile my mom is shushing me and being very embarrased, so finally i got up and walked out and laughed and laughed outside, and waited for my family and for mass to end

oh, and i got a huge ego booster at work today, this gay friend of one of my co-workers was there today and told me he had a crush on me after following me around the store and being all cute all day, but i wasn't really attracted to him, he was a little too gay, he had a really faggy voice, but he was pretty cute -- so i made up some bullshit and told him i was with someone at school and blah blah lie lie lie -- but i might end up calling him, he'd help my numbers

oh, and there was this french boy that i was stalking today in borders, he was so cute, and he had a girlfriend, but he was from paris, and he had the thickest accent and he was so hot, and i talked to him forever about books and photography, and i was so obsessed, but it was fun to flirt with a straight boy -- straight boys are so much more fun to hit on, i don't know why

jill scott is playing thursday in dc, and if i can scrape up some cash and if it's not sold out, i'm going, and i think nora might be up here then, so i might try to get her to go to, which would be a blast

daina, we'll be back at school soon, isn't that so exciting, get excited yo!! we're going to rock out the place, and we're going to get with shane. yeah baby, jan 2001, look out!!

hold down florida

wls

gots to go before santa gets here

charlie

alliteration at its best

Mary mary quite contrary and other lines you must have heard five million times:

did you hear, mr chorpennning won? that was exciting. How are things in texas, miss miller, and is it true what they say, is everything big in texas, if you know what im talking about, and im sure you do, becuase your mind is even further in the gutter than mine.

well, i just ate and so i feel that i must complain about the food. THe food is just as awful here; dinner is served at 4:30!!!!! and they stop serving it at 6, and the food is awful, thank god i have a microwave otherwise i'd die. And do you know how many times i am startving at about 9, i can't even tell you, its ridicoulous. It's not even like the food at home was all that great, but this is just baad! (Notice the extended 'a' to emphazise just how awful it really is.)

everyday me and nora whine about how we're not getting any, and stare at all the hot people that walk by us. There is however a boy here that i am obsessed over, literally. his name is Shane, ( and he's from texas, and according to what his best freind and girlfreind told me, he is big, in fact they even said huge, and this was volunteered info from one of his male freinds, so im thiinking its not hyperbole) he is so fucking gorgeous, except that he's kind of really straight, and kind of has a girlfriend, but i'm still obsessing over him. his girlfreind's anna, and i told her all about my obsession--she thinks its great, so he knows that im obsessed with him, but oh well, and now i have a mini licese plate that says shane that i stole form wal-mart and i carry it in my pocket everywhere (am i scaring you yet?) and i take it out to pet it and have other people pet it, everyone knows that im obsessed with him because i ask just about everyone to pet the license plate.

i have a job interview tomorrow at UPS, i might become a package handler from 4:30 am to 9:30 am on weekdays. That'll probably last for about two days until i get tired of waking up that early, but hopefully i'll get a UPS uniform and i can keep that.

today, i went to a Head Start location and took pictures for one of my class projects. The site is contaminated with arsenic, but the kids are still there, because they've determined it's not dangerous. And that really makes me mad, because i think that the only reason those kids are still there is because it's in a poor neighborhood. If they had found arsenic at a pre-school in a rich white suburban neighborhood, that place would be shut down so quickly, and those kids would be going someplace else. but, the sad thing here ( and the thing that upsets me) is that these kids really can't go any place else because Head Start helps underprivleged kids and so they probably wouldn't be able to afford to send their childern to day care, yet the county is claiming that they've done tests on the soil and determined that there's no serious health risks. I'm kind of excitied because the activist in me is starting to come out again.

And well, miss mary miller (alliteration at its finest), i must now depart.

--a charlie quiroz

and mass hysteria ensued

From: "charlie q"

To: [sarah]@hotmail.com
Subject: mass hysteria ensued afterwards
Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2000 18:37:38 EDT
sarah sarah bo barra bannanna fanna bo merra me my moe SAR-AH!
sarah, it is so wonderful to hear from you and to hear that life is crazy with you, that is what i like to hear,,
life here is pretty hectic too, charles is coming down again next weekend and so i'm excited about that, AND next weekend is halloween PCP,
i just started a new job yesterday, i'm a busboy at this really fancy french restaurant (i don't know if i ever told you this but i quit applebee'sw after like two days). the place is so rad, they fed me twice yesterday, and everyone is so nice, people wear like suits to eat there, it is so insane. but the owner wasn't there yesterday, so i didn't get to talk about pay, i don't know how often we get payed but i hope payday is this friday so i can buy shit for pcp on saturday, and i didn't get any tipshares last nite since it was my first day and i was in training but i think next time i work i do, so thats why i want to work this week, i have to call on tuesday to find out what my schedule is,
fall break was this week, tomorrow school starts again, it was so nice, i just lounged about all day and did none of the work that i planned on catching up on, i just partied like every nite,
and last nite, after i got off work was so so so fun, it was definitly the most fun nite i've had this school year -- - me, rebecca, arriana, robbie, and robert snuck into this party at the ringling museum, we hoped the fence to get in, it was really swank, everyone was in tuxes, so i just work black dress pants and a white shirt since i didn't have a tux, and the girls were nice black dresses-- it was like a $200 a person party, it was so fancy, and we got served drinks once we got in and danced until the party was over, then we stole a couple of the wine bottles that were sitting out on the tables and went back to school
so then at school me and lindsey and arianna finished off the two wine bottles, and went to the wall, it was so much fun, it was the best music that they've had a wall all year, and was just so crazy, then i took a lot of shots then i drank lots of beer, i was so trashed, i talked to shane (who i've been obsessed with since last year) for like half an hour and i sat on his lap, and we flirted so much even though hes so straight, but he was so trashed that he humored me and flirted back -- that made me so excited, then i flirted with all these random people( boys and girls) forever, then after the wall me and clay and lauren all started making out in the middle of palm court, and that was lots of fun, and then we started walking back to the dorms - we all realized how trashed we were, since we could barely walk and we were all about to pass out, that we all just went back to our rooms to puke and go to bed
well i'll more later. i'm going to go take a nap now, adios miss p --catch you on the flip side
luv
charlie