from the guy i saw last night

Hey Charlie,

Woke up thinking about you.

I am free after 12:30.

You can simply drop by, or

we could go to the movies:
AT the UA cinema in Union Sq
Swimming Upstream
Rated PG-13, 1 hr 37 min
11:00am, 1:40, 4:20, 7:00, 9:40
This is the Australian Film about the domineering
father and his beautiful son
or at the Film Forum

Varick and W Houston St

Los Olvidados (1950)
Not Rated, 1 hr 20 min
Showtimes: 1:30, 3:30, 5:30, 7:30, 9:30

This is a famous Buenel film in a new print.

I could buy your ticket and follow you in and sit next
to you. You could look at me in horror and
dramatically change seats. When the movie started, i
would get up and sit next to you.

Or you could come over and pretend to sleep while i
slowly touch you, get you hard and then suck on more
cock.

You would be paid of course.

An hour or so ago, I had thirteen dollars and some change to my name. I mean, the amount that I have now, is still not impressive since I am actually going to be negative money whenever my rent check gets cashed. But yeah, I just pissed down some man's throat and got a blowjob for 150. I think I get hornier when I am with these strange, old men than I do when I sleep with my peers who I am attracted to. I am not sure why this is.

Have I really been unemployed for a whole month now? I have absolutely nothing to show for it, save the damage to my liver that I know is happening, that cannot possibly not happen if you drink in excess every single night. Tonight, I am sober for the first time in a long time, and that is probably only because I have to wake up early tomorrow morning to go pick up a friend from a test at the hospital.

I can't believe I am writing this, saying nothing, when these past few weeks, this past week especially, I have wanted to say so much, have composed entries in my mind on walks around town, while in bars talking to boys I am or was or want to be attracted to, and here I am writing about nothing. There is this bad cycle with drinking my night away, sleeping through the morning, and spending the afternoon trolling Craigslist for money. I have lost that space of time that I had somehow set aside when I actually was gainfully employed to reflect on my day and document it. I'll tell you that this cycle will probably not change soon. Tomorrow involves a gallery opening I am excited about and an open bar at a gay bar, both of which will surely spoil my Friday, leaving me totally hungover. However, this weekend, I also need to schedule time for making more money, seeing the Tracy and the Plastics show and the Isotoners show, so yes, forgive me for neglecting serious introspection.

A dog is barking really loudly but I will probably not be able to hear it from my room, where I am headed now to sleep.

To Do List with Annotations

-Find something to wear to interview this week
I probably sent out about fifty responses to jobs about two weeks ago and on Friday, I got an email from one of them, saying they wanted to set up an interview this week. No way am I going to get this job. I don't remember applying for it, and have no clue, why, even if I did, the D.E. Shaw Group wants to interview me for something they call "the Finance and Operations Assistant position." But looking at their website, I realized that I have nothing I could wear to this interivew. Pants, I might have. Shirt, no. Tie? It looks like I would have to wear one. Shoes? Please, my tennis shoes even have holes in them.

-Call Hunter and set up time to hand over evaluations so I can be in school in this fall. No more procrastinating. No more laziness

-Do taxes
Perhaps, go to H and R block so I can get money right away and not have to worry about these taxes and will have some money, which will segue nicely into our next item on the to do list, that being not having any money, having to overdraw my checking account to pay rent, and so:

-Do things to make money
You know, like, pee on people, give, get blowjobs, whatever. Make lots of money. Buy new tennis shoes with it, pay rent, and then worry about a new computer, and visiting California.

-See if health insurance was cancelled yet by the Strand
If it wasn't, go see a doctor, about what I hope if just a case of jock itch and not some STD. It it was cancelled, call the cheap gay clinics to see how much it would cost to see someone.

-Take photos of the cute front door windows on North 6th and other close blocks
I am in love with all the various crafty doorway windows that I see everytime I walk to the video store. Everytime I walk past them, I note to myself to take photos of them and document all the various designs. I will post them here for your viewing pleasure for those who don't live here.

-Call that coffee shop that is opening next to Key Food and get hired

-Do laundry

-Call people

-Write and get back to this at least once a week thing I committed to

Laura Miller gets Murakami right, in a way that seems obvious and for whatever reason John Updike totally missed. The Times is a surprising couple of weeks late in reviewing this, and sadly, it wasn't Kakutani who did it. Lately, Kakutani's just been reviewing nonfiction work which is sad because it is so fun to read her rip into fiction authors.

Besides the DJ playing MC Hammer's "2 Legit 2 Quit," I had an awesome time last night dancing to the fun pop music up on a wooden box, in a pair of little green briefs that I recently bought from H and M. I got there, searching around for Ron, the person I was supposed to talk to, and decided to ask the coat check boy where this Ron was, and who should be the coat check boy, but David, my first big crush here in New York. I was so excited to see him, found out who Ron was and went and talked to him.

He had called me at about seven yesterday evening and told me to get there at eleven-thirty, very little notice and barely no directions whatsoever. In person, he was just as vague and said that there were lots of people coming in and that I should dance now, that I could set my stuff down in the basement storage area. And down there, bending my head to miss the low pipes, I took off my clothes except my shoes and my skivvies and looked at myself in the full length mirror that was set up down, sucked in my stomach and liked how I looked better. I got upstairs, Ron pointed to the box on which I was supposed to dance and with about three sentences of directions, I became, for a night at least, a go-go dancer. Everyone at the bar turned to glance at me when I got up to dance and I looked at the ceiling as I danced because I was so self-conscious and could not make eye contact with anybody yet. Sweat kept pouring down my forehead and the red light shining on me made me all the more nervous about performing, but after the first two songs, I found my groove, got comfortable being looked at, and danced and danced.

Perhaps knowing that I didn't have the best body, I danced well and out of control because that I do have going for me I know, I can dance and look like I am having an awesome time because I am. I was pouring sweat again, but not from nervousness, from dancing so much. Gwen Stefani was played, the song I love, and I danced and danced and totally lost myself to rocking out and noticed I was getting a lot more attention. A couple dorky guys came up and tipped me. Throughout the night, it was always the slightly nerdy boys that approached me, I guess I had that nerdy aesthetic, which I am okay with.

The other go-go boy finally got up to dance and I got down to take a break, talked to David and drank some free beer. The other go-go boy was muscley, and this made me feel a little insecure about being the dumpy go-go boy, but then those nerdy guys came and told me that I needed to dance some more, that they liked me much better than the other boy, and I danced more, and drank more, and before I knew it, in the midst of having fun, dancing, not totally ready to quit yet, it was over. Ron told me that I did good, that he would call me. Um, I was going to write more about this and about the Queer Fist protest, but right now, I am going to watch Wong Kar-wei's 2046 because the hip video store had a copy even though it hasn't come out in theaters and I am so excited, and I'll probably write about that and about how it made me (because it surely will) want to fall in love with a boy and I also watched the end of Sex and the City today and my mind is in the clouds, and there seem to be cute boys left and right and it all makes me happy and I will write more, I will.

All right, it might be one night only, so if you've always wanted to see me dance around in skimpy underwear, make your way to the Slide tonight where I will be a go-go boy for a trial night. If they like me, it will be weekly. But perhaps you haven't seen my lack of stomach definition, and so I kind of doubt it. But tonight, it is happening, so come witness the spectacle.

Oh shit, gay marriage looks like it is going to happen in New York, and yes, you know that I am confused about marriage, because yes, I am so excited by this. As of 3 pm, the NY Times has yet to mention this, by the way. I love the feeling of sticking it to people that say no, and perhaps for that reason, I get so giddy when courts tell legislators what's what. This is all more reason to love Lamda Legal. I really wish I would have interned with them for more than a day. They are responsible for just about every gay legal victory ever. They made sodomoy legal. This news makes me want to go be slutty and gay and celebrate.

shit, that is tomorrow!

late tuesday night
Semi-Famous Drag Queen: GREAT job tonite. congrats and welcome to the family!!

wednesday morning
Me: Awesome! Thanks a lot! I am so excited, just let me know when I can start.

late wednesday night
Semi-Famous Drag Queen: You start this FRIDAY doll. [Someone] from the Slide will call you

***************

I guess I need to do nothing but sit-ups today and hope that maybe I can make my stomach toned by tomorrow night. I am really excited, but also a little nervous. I hope this Someone actually calls me with details.

no, really, what do you mean when you say avant-garde?

Yesterday, a few things happened. I fell in love with three boys. Two of them at the Queer Fist meeting. One of them on the subway late last night. Skinny, brown hair, fill in the rest. I didn't say a word to one of them, but tried to peek at their eyes as long as I could until I got caught, did it in the hopes of being caught. I am really broke and need to do some work, but am lazy and want to watch the State of the Union speech tonight, so tomorrow I will try to find a John.

I am supposedly going to be a go-go dancer at the Slide's new college night that is going to be on Fridays. There is a funny story here about how that happened, but I will tell it to you the next time we hang out together, or will tell you some other story, don't worry, I will have stories. And I wonder if that is not part of why I find myself doing the stuff I am doing instead of applying at horrible retail jobs, for the stories. Stories are important, not just to brag to other people, to get the attention of an audience, as Peter is making me feel guilty about. But they are more so necessary for yourself, to keep things interesting. For a year and a half, I did the same work day after day at a bookstore, had the same interactions with customers and co-workers all the time, and when people would ask me what was new, I would say, nothing much, same old, same old. And I said it defeated, knowing that nothing was happening to me, and now stuff is, and maybe it's not good stuff, but it is stuff that is new, that reveals different things to me, and I am happier than I have been in the longest time. If you saw me, you would know this, you would see it.

For those of you that live in New York and are going to be free this Saturday, Queer Fist is going to be protesting outside a hoity-toity HRC benefit. What follows after the cut is the action alert, forward it to anyone that might be interested. Ignore the fact that whoever wrote this, used the phrase avant-garde nonironically. Come out and let me tell you stories, tell me some.


*************************************
While the Human Rights Campaign serves $350 plates of food at their Tri-State Federal Club fundraiser at the Waldorf Astoria, Saturday February 5th, 2005, QueerFist will be hosting a free alternative dinner to any passersby or HRC donors outside of the hotel. The funds raised by HRC at the extravagant event will help carry the organization through another year of suppressive policy and selective rights campaigning. QueerFist will be present to ensure that privileged, conservative lobby campaigns do not dominate the queer voice or queer representation.

While many members of the queer community are concerned with finding basic healthcare services, the Human Rights Campaign is more concerned that the members of the gay middle class have the “right” to exchange state sanctioned vows. Blinded by the right, the HRC has failed to consistently represent the needs of the queer community, as made obvious by the Tri-State Federal Club’s Corporate Equality Award, to be presented to none other than Pfizer Pharmaceuticals at their gala. In December 2004, the group announced its willingness to support President Bush’s social security privatization in exchange for benefits for same-sex couples.

Join us February 5th at 5:00pm at the Waldorf Astoria as queers and allies to show the solidarity of the communities that the Human Rights Campaign lobby ignores and sells out. Besides our free, vegan dinner, you can participate in our avant-garde street performance by toasting the HRC and their assimilationist agenda with our Human Rights Champagne, or take our QueerFist Pop Quiz to see how well-versed you are on HRC’s questionable policies. The dress is “festive to black-tie,” so come costumed.

The Waldorf Astoria Hotel is located at 301 Park Avenue. Meet at the Lexington Avenue entrance between 48th and 49th Streets. Take the 4,5,6,7,S trains to 42nd St. Grand Central Station or E,V,6 trains to 51st St.

For more information on QueerFist, visit www.queerfist.org or email info@queerfist.org.

Media Contact:
Jean Genet Ramsey

the missed connection responds and i shriek with joy, looking his now known name up on friendster

thank you. and as a ship returns from sea, it must dock, to make the journey
once again. i should write that on the wall next to it. next time you see
me say hi.