Thursday, February 10, 2005

An hour or so ago, I had thirteen dollars and some change to my name. I mean, the amount that I have now, is still not impressive since I am actually going to be negative money whenever my rent check gets cashed. But yeah, I just pissed down some man's throat and got a blowjob for 150. I think I get hornier when I am with these strange, old men than I do when I sleep with my peers who I am attracted to. I am not sure why this is.

Have I really been unemployed for a whole month now? I have absolutely nothing to show for it, save the damage to my liver that I know is happening, that cannot possibly not happen if you drink in excess every single night. Tonight, I am sober for the first time in a long time, and that is probably only because I have to wake up early tomorrow morning to go pick up a friend from a test at the hospital.

I can't believe I am writing this, saying nothing, when these past few weeks, this past week especially, I have wanted to say so much, have composed entries in my mind on walks around town, while in bars talking to boys I am or was or want to be attracted to, and here I am writing about nothing. There is this bad cycle with drinking my night away, sleeping through the morning, and spending the afternoon trolling Craigslist for money. I have lost that space of time that I had somehow set aside when I actually was gainfully employed to reflect on my day and document it. I'll tell you that this cycle will probably not change soon. Tomorrow involves a gallery opening I am excited about and an open bar at a gay bar, both of which will surely spoil my Friday, leaving me totally hungover. However, this weekend, I also need to schedule time for making more money, seeing the Tracy and the Plastics show and the Isotoners show, so yes, forgive me for neglecting serious introspection.

A dog is barking really loudly but I will probably not be able to hear it from my room, where I am headed now to sleep.

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