Wednesday, September 4, 2002

is it proper to say who or whom?

An action-packed weekend to look back on, to write here for whatever reasons, maybe to tell you, the reader, about it because I, like you, like to brag, or maybe it's for other reasons. Maybe you are not a part of this equation at all; maybe I will lie and tell myself this is for me, all for me. If I'm in a brave mood, I might even say something like it is all for art or truth or some other bullshit. Or maybe it's just because. Just fucking because. Regardless of the action-packedness of this weekend or maybe because of it, I am feeling a little like something is missing from my life, that I am living wrong, spending too much time in the company of others and not enough by myself.

Last night after we left the wall, I was talking with Bonnie about how Jamie said that the two of us spend as much time together as her and Drew, who spend every waking moment together, and presumably every non-waking moment also. And I really do, we really do - I never spend time by myself outside of the shower. I don't know what this means, I'm not even sure why this should mean something, why it should signfy something about what type of person I am or what type of person I hope to be, want to be, or what I would even be doing during this time I think I should spend by myself - it is just something I have been thinking about.

Anyways, onwards, the forward march of history continues - or something close to the opposite of that - the retelling of it - the backward march. Friday night was the kiss your crush wall - it involved me getting real drunk and making out with lots of boys, including a super dreamy one that I tried to get to go home with me. It also involved me making out lots with Andrew, which was fun in an almost sick sort of way, like I had accomplished something, finally got this boy, who has in the past shown so much disinterest towards me - that I had got him to make out with me, Andrew fucking Hossack. And perhaps turned on by this rush, or perhaps just really drunk and horny - I started to unbutton his shirt at the wall, sat on top of him and started to unbutton his belt and reached for his cock. Out of some sense of decorum, he told me Not here, and so we went someplace else to whatever the court is with the laundry room in it, to the middle of it, to those little picnic tables, where I threw Andrew back against the table, started to stroke his cock, his lovely cock and tried to give him head - tried because people kept on walking through the court and so we kept on having to stop - so yeah, we finally went into the laundry room, where I set him on top of a washing machine and sucked his cock until he pressed me slightly to let me know that he was about to cum, that I should lift my head - but I didn't - I kept it there, kept sucking until I felt his warm semen hit the roof of my mouth, the saltiness of it.

The night then continued, I made out with yet more people, feeling slightly naughty for kissing all these people after someone just came in my mouth. I walked on stilts with Marge, which really may have been the most fun part of my night. On my to-do list is to make my own pair of stilts - they are so goddamn motherfucking fun.

Yesterday, I woke up, went thrifting with Jamie, Drew, Bonnie, and Sarah, then went to this silly boutique in south Sarasota where there was this fashion show with Becky and Bonnie, downed lots of free champagne, felt really out of place amidst all these high matinence whatever you want to call them - I however will call them high-matinence assholes maybe. After the show, I stole this shirt that looked so cool, this silly ruffled tux shirt that was a girl's medium, stuck it down my pants, the 108 dollar thing - then wearing the silly thing, I went straight to Cafe Kaldi to hear Heather perform, then drank more, went to the horrible wall, stayed way longer than I should have, sweated the shit out of the silly shirt, was rude to just about anyone that talked to me, and then went home feeling like shit, like get the fuck away from me, I need some space. That kind of feeling. I'm hungry.

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