Wednesday, September 11, 2002

triple b and egg salad

A rainy day. A very rainy day. Since I have been up, since around ten something, since whenever I managed to wake up from my little drunken sleep, it has been drizzling or raining or pouring or some other type of rain, but rain rain rain, nonstop all day. And because it was raining and also because I am lazy, I decided that I would skip Greek today, that that would be okay, that I can do whatever the fuck I want because this is my life, yes - it motherfucking is - and as such, I can live it however I want, can say I am not going to class and not feel guilty, not feel like who stole the cookie from the cookie jar and have to say not me, not me, and then say your name. Say it loud or silently depending how much energy I have, how able I am to exert myself, to try to show in words how much you and everything else, everything not you, means - how much I want to make something, a card, and show it to you, hold it in my open palms, and say look, look, look what I made.

It's also that day, this day, the eleventh of September and this also has me feeling strangely sad and a little patriotic. I really want to talk to my mom, just speak to her over the phone, hear her voice, let her hear mine, and make sure that she is not sad or isolated, that she is connected to people in this world, or at least to me, because I know that she probably had to go to some memorial thing at the pentagon today. I might talk about this more later after I go to the store and steal some food and call my mom because there are other things that I also want to say that for some reason or other I am having a hard time putting pen to paper, fingers to keys to say these things, things about boy, about Andrew last night telling me, whispering into my ear, my left one, "You are coming home with me," about me saying "Maybe," about instead going to Sean's room and talking with him and lying next to him for a while, for too short a while, about life, about what I need to do to get mine in order, to start feeling like I am living a meaningful one, about strangers in our house possibly out to rape and pillage, basically about many things.

But, I am not in the mood right now and if I can get to a computer tonight and feel cozy then I will, but if not, I won't - and the world will keep on turning and hopefully so will I.

No comments:

Post a Comment