Wednesday, January 8, 2003

sewing machine machete

I still don't know. I never do. I do not want to have to make a decision about what to do with my life. I don't like taking such an active role in determining my future, or even my present. Being in school has allowed things to happen to me. There was the decision to come to school but since then it has been things happening to me, moving with the flow of life, thinking life had a flow that could just take you along. But now I am in the position of not having a flow, of having to determine one. And it troubles me a little. Not for any serious reasons, but just because I do not like making descisions. I do not know if I should enroll or not next semester. Just do not know.

I went to on the Yuengling brewery tour in Tampa yesterday, the drive was fun, pretty, glowing little rivers, houses, and cars, and big skies. Free beer. Middle fingers. Soon I am going to a talk at the Selby library. And it is a daily struggle to occupy my time on days I have off, to think of things to do with myself. I tried sewing pillow covers for our couch cushions today, and it was a fight, a match between me and the sewing machine. Man in this corner, Machine in this one. And the Machine won. I fucking could not get it to work properly, could not get the tiny little thread, bobbin and needle to coroporate with my big fingers. So maybe I won, because I am not at that stupid machine anymore even if I could not get it to comply with my wishes. Not everything needs to comply with my wishes, my desires. Not everything is going to. You have to deal with things that upset your flow, that impede it, you have to learn how to go around them, to forget it. I am learning this. I am learning many things.

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