Sunday, August 13, 2006


I gave in as some of you may already know, and in a fit of something (not really sure what, but most definitely a fit), last night, rejoined the ranks of Myspace. Yes, I have enumerated all the faults of it, the faults that I still think are there and which still grate on me - namely, the disgusting mix of insecurity and desire for affirmation that is present there - and then, of course, all the other flaws of it that are also easily pointed to. But there also are benefits, particularly so if you desire a social life, or at least that option should you want it on certain nights. I was no longer finding out about things, events, and happenings, however, now, hopefully that problem will have been solved with my rejoining this site.

Within an hour or so of rejoining, I got a message from Joe asking me to meet him at the Metropolitan. And despite my better instincts telling me not to go, to go to bed early, to read a book, and to be content, I went, hoping for something, a something which did not materialize last night - a something that never does there, especially so when you are hoping for it to.

Because at that point there were not many people that I knew, I ended up in circle with the only people there that I did know: Joe, Kevin, and Matt. It was definitely weird, at least in my mind it was, and I sat across from Matt, not wanting to think he was attractive, but doing so anyway, even while listening to him act like an idiot, someone I would normally not be able to stomach, but because he is this person, this boy that I find really attractive, I found myself terribly attracted to him, watched him straddle the bar stool he was sitting on, his shorts bunching up at his crotch - and I was mad at myself because of the path my eyes were tracing, the paths my mind was wandering - it was all so typical, so this bar, so a year ago, so two ago, so three years ago. And the prospects of change seemed bleak, and actual change, which I believed had occurred, proved to have never taken place.

And I consumed more beers and more cigarettes and found myself in a haze, bouncing from one person to the next, talking to this person, that one, this old crush who is still, unsurprisingly, a current crush - and the names are all familiar - Matt, Christopher, Christian, etc. At some point, toward the end of the night, I not so subtly (but, really am I ever?) made advances toward Christian, which, unsurprisingly, were rebuffed. Unsurprisingly has now reared its head twice in this entry and I think that speaks to what I am talking about, that nothing was surprising, it was typical behavior, the same play enacted night after night, way past the point that the audience had tired of it. Even our actors have tired of this play and want new lines to say, new stages to say them on.

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