it's a living thing

okay, we are really eventually going to start writing these entries on a more frequent basis.

i just finished reading a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, and the ending has me artistically inspired to create. it has me feeling like shit for wasting so so much time on my ass. but, i'm home with my folks for the summer and around them i lose all motivation to do anything at all. maybe it's that i'm embarassed to do stuff around them -- i don't know. and so this is today's declaration #1: next summer, i am not going to live at home no matter how broke i am.

i didn't really want to come home this summer, but when i was trying to think of things to apply for in march, my mom in a very serious voice said that i needed to go home. i didn't really argue and decided to come home and work there for the summer. when i got home, my dad told me he had lung cancer. my mom has since told me that his prognosis is not good. it's not something one can really ask questions about, like how long do you have left to live? but that is the question i am wondering, and i am worrying/wondering that that time may be soon -- because when i was bitching about having to be home my mom said that she wanted me to come home so i could spend some time with my dad but that i could go somewhere next summer. does that mean that this is his last summer?

it's a really weird feeling, and i feel sick for thinking about these things, trying to come up with a time frame, and worrying that i will have a nervous breakdown if it happens while i'm at school, and i'm worried about petty things like how it'll affect my academics and other bullshit that healthy minds should not think about, i tell myself.

also today, i was supposed to be in this sex video with this middle-aged perv named carl, so i drive all the way out there and he tells me that he's feeling sick and we'll have to film it after he gets back from vacation. but he gave me a $100 deposit for coming all the way out there. so, i made any easy 100 for doing jack shit -- and i'm thinking about just not doing the video and keeping the money cause all he has is my e-mail address. and while i was there, at this smelly apartment that was a gathering for sexual deviants, i was asked my this old man with a long white warped santa beard if i'd have sex under hypnosis. okay, this is fucking santa asking me not what i want for christmas, but rather if i'll let him hypnotize me and fuck me while taping it.

there's something about really old people, that just repulses me -- maybe i'd get it on with his young elves, but santa is too fucking old. i'd fuck rudolph before i would santa.

oh, and i have a legit job too. i work at this organic market in dc, which is sometimes fun. and i was a minion of satan until two days ago doing (yes, the most evil of evils:) telemarketing. i sold subscriptions to this theater in dc, but had to quit because i couldn't deal with being one of those obnoxious people who invades your home, crawling through phone lines, hawking their ware. that, and i hadn't sold one subscripion yet, either. i sucked at telemarketing and decided to "leave" before i was fired.

oh, and at the organic market, they usually play classical, but today it was 70's funk and rock and i've had these two lines from a song in my head all day and i don't even know what song it is. but it's so positive and happy, but not blithe or any bullshit like that. it goes: "it's a living thing [doo-doo-doo-da], what a terrible thing to waste."

that song and the book by dave eggers have made me eager to do something with me life. oh, and another contributing factor to this desire to create is my purchase yesterday of the movie purple rain. prince was signed to warner brothers when he was eightfuckingteen. okay, i am now twenty -- two years past that point with no major artistic accomplishments, and even more importantly (and the reason for the lack of accomplishments) - a complete lack of artistic talent/skill.

all of this forcing me to think, about what am i going to do, what will i offer, what can i do to make things more pretty, more fun:

resolution #2: get out of the house more often, you lazy motherfucker. every night that you are not working find something to do, and get someone to go with you.

resolution #3: dance more often

when i was at school i would dance 24/7 but now that i home i don't dance at all, again it'd due to whatever influence being around my family has upon me

so, it's a living thing - what a terrible thing to waste

W.L.M.

yo [redacted],

you've turned in your john moore paper, right? you better have, miss meg. and sorry for taking so long to respond to you, but mtv has had me in a trance. it's really sick, all i watch is mtv -- i'm so fasinated by it, it's so wonderful.

so, you're in new york now right, how is it, you love it? yo, you are so lucky, let me tell you what, if i were in new york i would be fucking stalking that gorgeous snl boy jimmy fallon. you know who he is, right? he's so super cute. megan, i've decided this is the boy you are going to pursue, you can do it megan, you better. jimmy fallon is the dreamiest boy ever, i keep watching all my sister tapes of snl and staring at that kid, yo.

so, correlated to my love of mtv is my lack of a job, i have still yet to find a job. i do absolutely nothing except hang out all day, which my mom does not love so much, she is forever telling me how i need to get a job, and so i am determined to get one tomorrow, and i might even work at borders which i told myself i wasn't going to do anymore.

oh, but today i made 150, it's really funny and it involves whitman. so, i did this jack-off video for these two middle-aged guys at their apartment today. or, i tried too. i thought it would be funny, you know? so, i got there, and i was so turned-off the second i walked in -- their apartment had that rank apartment smell where it smells like cats or some shit even though they don't have cats, you have to know what i'm talking about. well magnify that by a gazillion and that might almost come close to what this place actually smelt like. it's funny how in this situation, this smell is the biggest thing i remember-- trivial details are the big ones. and speaking of bigness, one of the guys was 300 plus pounds and looked and talked like Divine in Hairspray playing the tv station owner (one of his few performaces not in drag). okay that's what this dude looked like and the other guy was just a 40 year old pervert. i get there and he pays before even filming, so i was excited. then they start filming and they start off asking all these silly questions that they wanted hot answers to, like "what do you think about when you masturbate?" [did you have any fun experiences like this at pleasures, i'm really fascinated by sex work, and that's one of the reasons i did the video, tell me about all your fun pleasures time]

and so basically, umm, i was not excited per say in this rank setting with these sleazy gross men, and so their tape is ten minutes of me laughing, and trying to get excited. but to no avail. i finally was like, look yo, it ain't going to happen, i ain't going to get excited, let me give you your money back. and he was like no, no, no. so, i got an easy 150 for just playing with myself, oh and here's where whitman came in handy, paul said we'd remember those lines at certain times, -- well, i did. i was like look, yo-- this is what i really think about when masturbating, and then recited the "copulation is no more rank to me than death" lines and then i left. it was such a grand exit with those whitman lines, and i have paul to thank for all of it, oh how was the dinner with him?

but, they have both sent me e-mails already -- the fat guy is wondering if i'll let him go down on me once a week for 50, and the other dude wants to film me getting it on with him for 250. i probably won't do either, but 250 sounds nice. i just feel like prostitution might be my one boundry that i won't experiment with --- the sharon olds poem, "sex without love" came to mind as i read their e-mails. and this entire experience has led me to question why i like photographing people sexually -- i feel like it may be from the same slightly perverse, definitly voyeuristic reasons that these guys had with me and makes me feel sort of dirty, and so i feel like i have to approach how i photograph people differently.

yo, yo megan, i want to come visit you later this summer, so we can work together on stalking jimmy fallon, you know. are you working, meeting cute boys, reeking havoc on NYC, let's hear all about the adventures of miss [redacted] in the big apple..

adios -- charlie

how does this work? [THE FIRST ONLINE DIARY ENTRY]

This entry here marks my first foray into the world of online diaries, my first entry in my original online diary at gun.diaryland.com.

so, i'm trying out this online diary business after being addicted to the diaries of countless people. and i'm also bored as fuck right now.so, i'm home for summer in the great state of virginia, and it's super pretty right now. everything is lush and green and not humid. i'm on summer break from school in florida, and i'm going to add more soon -- i just am playing around right no with this to see how it looks and all. i promise i'll be a lot more witty and literate later, first i must work on design. . . adios

the big bad wolf

>From: "charlie quiroz"
To: [daina]@hotmail.com
Subject: who's afraid of the big bad wolf?? it's me, it's me. [SING IT NOW!!]
Date: Sun, 24 Dec 2000 22:39:25 -0500

daina is a punk, how's life with you and whatnot, better?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

today i think was my last day at borders since the x-mas season is over, i don't think they'll need me anymore

i just got back home from church with my family a little while ago, it was bad, first i fell asleep and kept nodding off and swaying during the sermon, then while they were preparing the eurachist and it was quiet and solemn in this packed church, i burst out lauging, me and my sister both had a wild seizure of giggles because the people ahead of us, a teen girl and her old mom danced (and i mean shook their fucking ass) to every single song, and these ain't no fun baptist songs, these are stodgy, organ-led catholic songs, and they were groovin away and in sync with each other -- i mean i just went hysterical, i have seriously not laughed that hard in years, meanwhile my mom is shushing me and being very embarrased, so finally i got up and walked out and laughed and laughed outside, and waited for my family and for mass to end

oh, and i got a huge ego booster at work today, this gay friend of one of my co-workers was there today and told me he had a crush on me after following me around the store and being all cute all day, but i wasn't really attracted to him, he was a little too gay, he had a really faggy voice, but he was pretty cute -- so i made up some bullshit and told him i was with someone at school and blah blah lie lie lie -- but i might end up calling him, he'd help my numbers

oh, and there was this french boy that i was stalking today in borders, he was so cute, and he had a girlfriend, but he was from paris, and he had the thickest accent and he was so hot, and i talked to him forever about books and photography, and i was so obsessed, but it was fun to flirt with a straight boy -- straight boys are so much more fun to hit on, i don't know why

jill scott is playing thursday in dc, and if i can scrape up some cash and if it's not sold out, i'm going, and i think nora might be up here then, so i might try to get her to go to, which would be a blast

daina, we'll be back at school soon, isn't that so exciting, get excited yo!! we're going to rock out the place, and we're going to get with shane. yeah baby, jan 2001, look out!!

hold down florida

wls

gots to go before santa gets here

charlie

alliteration at its best

Mary mary quite contrary and other lines you must have heard five million times:

did you hear, mr chorpennning won? that was exciting. How are things in texas, miss miller, and is it true what they say, is everything big in texas, if you know what im talking about, and im sure you do, becuase your mind is even further in the gutter than mine.

well, i just ate and so i feel that i must complain about the food. THe food is just as awful here; dinner is served at 4:30!!!!! and they stop serving it at 6, and the food is awful, thank god i have a microwave otherwise i'd die. And do you know how many times i am startving at about 9, i can't even tell you, its ridicoulous. It's not even like the food at home was all that great, but this is just baad! (Notice the extended 'a' to emphazise just how awful it really is.)

everyday me and nora whine about how we're not getting any, and stare at all the hot people that walk by us. There is however a boy here that i am obsessed over, literally. his name is Shane, ( and he's from texas, and according to what his best freind and girlfreind told me, he is big, in fact they even said huge, and this was volunteered info from one of his male freinds, so im thiinking its not hyperbole) he is so fucking gorgeous, except that he's kind of really straight, and kind of has a girlfriend, but i'm still obsessing over him. his girlfreind's anna, and i told her all about my obsession--she thinks its great, so he knows that im obsessed with him, but oh well, and now i have a mini licese plate that says shane that i stole form wal-mart and i carry it in my pocket everywhere (am i scaring you yet?) and i take it out to pet it and have other people pet it, everyone knows that im obsessed with him because i ask just about everyone to pet the license plate.

i have a job interview tomorrow at UPS, i might become a package handler from 4:30 am to 9:30 am on weekdays. That'll probably last for about two days until i get tired of waking up that early, but hopefully i'll get a UPS uniform and i can keep that.

today, i went to a Head Start location and took pictures for one of my class projects. The site is contaminated with arsenic, but the kids are still there, because they've determined it's not dangerous. And that really makes me mad, because i think that the only reason those kids are still there is because it's in a poor neighborhood. If they had found arsenic at a pre-school in a rich white suburban neighborhood, that place would be shut down so quickly, and those kids would be going someplace else. but, the sad thing here ( and the thing that upsets me) is that these kids really can't go any place else because Head Start helps underprivleged kids and so they probably wouldn't be able to afford to send their childern to day care, yet the county is claiming that they've done tests on the soil and determined that there's no serious health risks. I'm kind of excitied because the activist in me is starting to come out again.

And well, miss mary miller (alliteration at its finest), i must now depart.

--a charlie quiroz

and mass hysteria ensued

From: "charlie q"

To: [sarah]@hotmail.com
Subject: mass hysteria ensued afterwards
Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2000 18:37:38 EDT
sarah sarah bo barra bannanna fanna bo merra me my moe SAR-AH!
sarah, it is so wonderful to hear from you and to hear that life is crazy with you, that is what i like to hear,,
life here is pretty hectic too, charles is coming down again next weekend and so i'm excited about that, AND next weekend is halloween PCP,
i just started a new job yesterday, i'm a busboy at this really fancy french restaurant (i don't know if i ever told you this but i quit applebee'sw after like two days). the place is so rad, they fed me twice yesterday, and everyone is so nice, people wear like suits to eat there, it is so insane. but the owner wasn't there yesterday, so i didn't get to talk about pay, i don't know how often we get payed but i hope payday is this friday so i can buy shit for pcp on saturday, and i didn't get any tipshares last nite since it was my first day and i was in training but i think next time i work i do, so thats why i want to work this week, i have to call on tuesday to find out what my schedule is,
fall break was this week, tomorrow school starts again, it was so nice, i just lounged about all day and did none of the work that i planned on catching up on, i just partied like every nite,
and last nite, after i got off work was so so so fun, it was definitly the most fun nite i've had this school year -- - me, rebecca, arriana, robbie, and robert snuck into this party at the ringling museum, we hoped the fence to get in, it was really swank, everyone was in tuxes, so i just work black dress pants and a white shirt since i didn't have a tux, and the girls were nice black dresses-- it was like a $200 a person party, it was so fancy, and we got served drinks once we got in and danced until the party was over, then we stole a couple of the wine bottles that were sitting out on the tables and went back to school
so then at school me and lindsey and arianna finished off the two wine bottles, and went to the wall, it was so much fun, it was the best music that they've had a wall all year, and was just so crazy, then i took a lot of shots then i drank lots of beer, i was so trashed, i talked to shane (who i've been obsessed with since last year) for like half an hour and i sat on his lap, and we flirted so much even though hes so straight, but he was so trashed that he humored me and flirted back -- that made me so excited, then i flirted with all these random people( boys and girls) forever, then after the wall me and clay and lauren all started making out in the middle of palm court, and that was lots of fun, and then we started walking back to the dorms - we all realized how trashed we were, since we could barely walk and we were all about to pass out, that we all just went back to our rooms to puke and go to bed
well i'll more later. i'm going to go take a nap now, adios miss p --catch you on the flip side
luv
charlie

whatever's fine

From the Archives
Okay, this one here is real embarrasing and I don't even know why I am putting it up here since the writing is so silly, but you know whatever. It's about Britt Dunn.

Yesterday, my bracelet br oke

the handmade circle encompassing my wrist had not been taken off once since it was put on over a week ago by a member of the male gender whom I liked for more than a

friend, but as I was told a couple of days ago the feeling was not mutual

Even, as he said those words that he didn’t want a relationship and was only interested in

casual sex I still wanted to press my lips against his and run my hand over the back of his head feeling the sensation that his short hair passing under my hand produces concurrently while experiencing the warm moisture of his lips and falsely feeling a sense of security - that the kiss was more than just a prelude to casual sex

But, while part of my mind was yearning to kiss him another part of my mind was reeling from the words that just emitted from that same mouth I wanted to kiss and it was that part of my mind that took control of my vocals when he asked me how I felt, and what did I think

and instead of telling him that I truly liked him and that he was the first person I have felt that way about that he made me feel fabulous, free, fantastic, frenetic, flowery, flammable, full, and oh fuck alliteration- he made me feel good

instead of telling him that when I saw him I got excited that I did want a relationship and that I wanted to feel that sense of security that is brought with his kiss and that I am so so sorry that I am constrained by language and that my words fall short of describing the indescribable feelings you produce in me

but, it was that part of my mind that was reeling and melancholy and experiencing a catharsis of emotions that took control of my vocals and instead of saying all that to his question asking how I felt: simply responded: whatever’s fine

he then asked me if I wanted to go back to his room and watch a movie that had yet to be determined with his friends

and again the same part of my mind responded: no, not really. and so he left with my optimism and I remained with my racing thoughts

After, he had made me the bracelet and tied it around my right wrist I experienced for the first time that fabalized version of a kiss that had that feeling that feeling I have for so long heard described and eulogized

and spending the night in his arms and in his twin-sized bed did not feel casual

kissing him the next morning with his less than minty fresh breath and his groggy, just woke up face still had that feeling

and it was that feeling that I longed to re-experience as he told me that I was nothing more to him than casual sex

and so maybe it was a good thing that the wire bracelet he had made me broke, but the operative word in that previous phrase is maybe

if this experience had not been real if it had been a story by Hawthorne or Melville or one of those other Romantics who took too much joy in creating potent symbols to reflect the state of their characters than there would have been so much symbolism in the bracelet the now broken bracelet that was made from a red wire specked with blue and whose breaking would serve as a metaphor for the break in our relationship

or, since it’s not a “relationship.” as he, himself informed me a few days ago, it would serve as a metaphor for the break in our

casual sex

boys

yo sarah,

i'm so glad to hear that your life is going so good. 26 hrs a wk? you are so intense, i would fold so quickly if i worked that much and went to school, you are definitly a rad girl!

so me and clay are no more. we had had an open something, but it was more difficult than i had thought. firday nite when we rolled, he was all over all these gross gay boys, namely louis (if they were hot boys i wouldn't have minded so much) and he didn't play with me much, i wasn't in the getting all up on everybody mood so i left the party and went and hung out with a bunch of people in palm court and talked to them. then later in the nite, like at 6, i was like i'm going back to my room you should come, because i really wanted to play and hang out with him, without all these nasty (non-rolling) gay boys who were all over him, and he was like i'm going to hang out here for a little while longer, so was like okay, whatever and went back to my room and listened to music, and was nice and cerebral, you know how you can just sit there and think forever about your life.

so i woke up the next day for dance and he still hadn't come back, he was asleep up in my friends room upstairs (lisa) because he said he didn't want to come in late and wake me up, and then later in the day i really wanted to watch the sunset and i asked him if he wanted to get up and come with me and he wanted to keep on sleeping, and then while i was at the bay watching the sunset i thought forever and ever about how much this boy could hurt me (like he did to dennis - the boy he was with when i got with him), and so i decided that i didn't have the emontional fortitude to handle him, and he was far too self-absorbed anyways so i told him that he had to move out of my room, but we are still amiable and friendly with each other, and he even left his tv/vcr in here (yee-hah!) bc he didn't have anywhere else to put it i guess.

then sat nite i met this really rad boy named charles and he's so cool and rad, he was visiting his brother who lives in sarasota, (charles lives in tallahassee ( 8 hrs away)), but i hung out with him all weekend before he left on mon morning and he's so fucking cool and he's going to come back down in like 3 or 4 weeks so thats exciting

-charlie

satan escapes from hell

From: "charlie q"

To: [rebecca]@hotmail.com

Subject: yo punk

Date: Thu, 25 May 2000 16:03:40 EDT

yo rebecca,

sarah was not too concerned about her car at all, it was still sitting on the side of the road when i came back from the airport, she finally went out to go get it and just told triple a that she was driving it, so it all worked out good, and she kept apoligizing, but i don't know why, i feel like it was kind of my fault,

did you have any more problems getting home on the satan escaped from hell? i wish i would have went home when you did, i was so bored yesterday, i've started packing, there is nothing to do, i've realized that next year i'm definitly going to try to make lots of new friends, because you and nora are about the only people i do things with. you are gone, and nora's always with phil and that whole group up in his room, and anne is never here and when she is she's insane, so i can't wait to go home rebecca, i can't even tell you,, oh and call me this summer so we can hang out miss re-bec-ca, (660-6371), and yo, what's your number, maggie wants to know too, i was talking to her today and surprise she lost your info, so i told her your e-mail address, but said i did not know your phone numero, so what is it punk?

and i'm in the media center right now, waiting for my cd's to burn, evan starts working at 5(in about an hour, so i'm excited about that), oh and i stole so many cd's from barnes and nobles, me and nora stole mucho mucho (ccr, bob seger, portishead, zap momma, gospel, janis, depeche mode, and so much more) , oh-- and then we went to best buy dumpsters to get boxes since that's where you said you got yours, but there are none back there you liar! so we went to winn-dixie and there like well we have these two tiny bannanna boxes with holes in them that you can have, i was so appalled rebecca,

but tonight will be more exciting, thank god, and soon i will be back in va, how is va miss rw? is it fun and exciting, hot, what's up yo?

and i can't wait for next year to start rebecca, there will be so many new people, hopefully some exciting GAY boys, no more obsessing over straight boys i decided, oh and zack and the rest of bentele clan is here today, i love zack rebecca, and i love keith, the facebook came out yesterday tuesday rebecca, there are exciting pictures of shane and keith and gabe not fully dressed, yee-hah, and i love keith rebecca, do you think he's going to do something like graduate naked? cross your fingers for me miss wood?

oh, and i applied for a job working on ralph nader's campaign in dc, except they haven't called me back yet, but hopefully i'll get that, we'll see miss wood yo.

write back miss wood

-mister q

she blinded me with science

From: "Maurice Q"

To: [joni]@hotmail.com
Subject: she's poetry in motion . . . she blinded me with science
Date: Tue, 02 May 2000 01:17:12 EDT

joni joni,

i don't know. when are you coming to visit new college? when am i coming to visit rutgers? sometime , we'll work that out. how's life with you, when do your classes end, when are you going to be home, share, share, share

last week, two horrible encounters with feminists, caroyl adams came to our school to talk about the sexual politics of meat. and she asked if the audience wanted the lights on or off during her slide show, there were like 5 guys and 30 girls, no one was responding and so i said, "it's easier to see with the lights off." a seemingly harmless answer, right? she said, "no, um, there tends to be a male female dynamic so why don't we let a female respond, a female said the exact same thing because there is not a fucking male female dynamic about the fact that is easier to see slides with the lights off. and so i hated her from the gitgo, and so did my two friends i went with, who were girls and also thought the woman was stupid and way too self-righteous. and so after her talk, the three of us were so inflamed by her critique of how meat subjugates women that we were like "MEAT!!!" and we wanted to go to hooters and eat lots and lots of meat, since she criticized hooters in particular, but it was too far and too late, so we went to outback and ate lots of grr meat and talked about how much we hated that women and the foibles of feminists.

and later that week, this socialist feminist came to talk to my LatAm studies class, and their was a question session, and she said capitalism exploits women, and i asked her what she thought about camille paglia who said, "capitalism has given women economic independence for the first time since mastodons roamed the earth." and oh boy did she go off, she ranted for a good ten minutes about the evils of capitalism and how much she hates people like paglia. so i set off two feminists last week, how many will i set off this week? wait and see in next week's version of the charlie chronicles: adventures in feminist theory.

and i do love some feminists, i'm doing some photo stuff for some of them, i've been in the darkroom every night until about six in the morning developing pictures for muffy magazine, which is due at the printer tomorrow, and i'm so glad that i finished that so now i can actually do school work,

i worked tonite for the alumni assocition making fundraising calls which was kind of fun and i stole a bunch of pens from them, oh and about stealing, sat i also stole so many cd's from barnes and nobles, my friend sam works there and he told me how to steal cds from there (you just slice the magnetic strip down the middle with a razor, so many nora went and she and her breasts distracted the salesdude and i stole us about 11 cds -- it was so fun, and now i have all these new fun cd's, christmas in may hooray

and i have so much school shit that is looming over my head as the deadlines are all quickly converging, but it's time to go play

oh, and listen to this noise, room draw is tomorrow, and me, nora, anne, and rebecca are trying to get a suite and we're probably not even going to get it since we're in like the last time slot, and 90 percent of the people are trying to get a suite next year, so that kind of sucks and so i might be living off campus next year, which i have mixed feelings about, it'd be cool but it'd also kind of suck since this school is so small, and everything happens in the dorms, it's such a community and i don't think i'm ready to leave yet, but we'll see what happens at 12.30 tomorrow when we have to go to room draw

and write back and tell me all the details of your life, when do you get out of school, when are you going home (are you going home), and all that good stuff

oh and i didn't get that research assistant position i applied for, but i still haven't heard back from the st. louis thingy, but if i don't get that i'll be at home and hopefully working, and it's going to be so crazy, because my friend rebecca lives in arlington, and i have a couple friends who are going to be working in dc, and i'll get to see all my friends from school, and see my family and so the more and more i think about that that's what i'd really like to do. but we'll see

ya ya ya charlie qurioz ay ay ay