break it down. broke.

car trouble can be so frustrating. especially when you know nothing about cars; when it occurs far from home; and when it is motherfucking cold as "a polar bear's toenail" outside. it is the feeling of impotence you get when your car breaks down. why does this car not want to work? please, don't do this, car!

i went to barnes and nobles today to drop off the application. i did not go until four something because it was such a beautiful blue day out, that i just felt like eating and reading the paper and soaking in some of the light. the brightness making me bouncy and energetic. the pineal gland suppressing melatonin release. i ran around outside for a bit so excited that yesterday's gray skies were gone, replaced by a blue sky out of an allegra commercial or something. so yeah, i didn't leave until four - i drop the application off and then i start driving back home. it is now about five o clock, and i'm driving down route one through old town in the direction that everyone is heading since it is rush hour. in the dc area, it is not rush hour, it is stand still hours - sitting on the same block through three lights before finally making it to the next block only to sit there for three lights.

it is fucking horrible - enough to make an impatient person cry. i am an impatient person. i did not feel like crying, and so i popped born in the usa into the tape deck and started singing along. i sort of got really into brucie bruce, becoming completely oblivious to the fact that i was stuck in traffic - rising above the surrounding chaos. and yeah yeah, what is it frank costanza? serendipity now! damn right, i was on cloud nine, completely spacing out. i realized how oblivious i must have been, when i look to see how much gas i have, and see at least three warning lights blinking on my dashboard. the car's tempature is all the way over to hot and smoke is pouring out of the hood. fucking hell! i start screaming obscenities to my stupid car and then to the stupid cars to the right of me that won't let me get out of the middle lane even though my car is smokin up all of route one like some bad dance with a fog machine gone haywire.

i manage to get off of route one, get onto some sketchy little side street. get out of my car. it's cold and dark. lift the hood, get splashed with steam. wait for it to cool off. walk a couple blocks in the fucking cold (i didn't wear a jacket because it wasn't this cold when i left, i fucking swear). buy some water. come back, pour water and coolant into the thingamajig like the owner's manual said to. wait for the engine to cool off like the owner's manual said to. and then once it has cooled, resume driving with the heat on like the owner's manual said to.

waiting for the engine to cool, sitting in my car on this fairly empty street, so annoyed that i am so reliant on cars. that i, a human, am at the whim of this derelict piece of machinery. and i was just so fucking ready to assert the superiorty of the human form over the entire race of machines by going into caveman mode, saying smashee smashee and wildly kicking this stupid car until the sun rose. but i didn't. i couldn't. i sort of knew that it was not true - sadly, i accepted that the machine's reign very well may be reality. impotence is probably the most accurate word to describe this sort of rage that i felt at this point. in do the right thing, buggin out says: "I'm just a struggling black man trying to keep my dick hard in a cruel and harsh world." and yeah yeah, the assertion of Man over contrivance, that's what this is about - trying to keep my dick hard in a machine run world, when i know nothing about machines.

anyways, i finally get home after getting stuck in the same traffic - make myself some dinner, watch iron chef, and then started reading. i haven't read a book in so long. i have been telling myself that i cannot read for fun until i finish ulysses. today, i decided to scrap that stupid plan, have abandoned that stupid book for a while, and am now reading the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay. and, i'm really loving it so far. okay, i'm going to go read some more.

entry #2 of this cloudy day

i went with sarah to watch her sort-of girlfriend play basketball in an elementary school gym. it had boring written all over it, and so i was somewhat worried about going, but it ended up being so much fun. the kind-of, sort-of girlfriend's name is hillary, and her and sarah are in a kind-of, sort-of spiff, and so sarah and i peeked through the gym's door for about ten minutes, laughing, deciding to go in, then turning back right before getting to the the door, then pushing each other in front of the doorway, before we finally got brave enough to go in. we sat at the top of the bleachers, and basically laughed at hillary the whole time. sarah kept on making horrible jokes about her weight whenever hillary would miss the ball or miss the basket.

we then got into a good long parade of lesbian jokes. this started the ball rolling:
sarah: wow, there sure does seem to be lots of dykes here.
me: yeah, that's because it's an adult women's basketball league. what do you expect? adult women's anysport equals lesbians.

sarah (unlike hillary) ran with that ball for a good while. when that ran out of steam, we began laughing at the players again. some of them were pretty goddamn awful. anyways, hillary's team lost big time, sarah talked to her for a while after and then we went to the barnside diner to meet sarah's friends, vince and lisa.

they were already seated when we arrived. i got a pepsi when what i really wanted was a coke. sarah also got a pepsi, but she actually wanted a pepsi. and it was at that point, when the waitress kindly said that they only had pepsi, that my mood shifted from super happy to super sour. the heat was just past the point of comfortableness in the diner. it was so fucking hot in there, making me big time agitated and restless. in addition, vince and lisa smoke like no one else. no breaks even between the cigarettes, just constant smoke in my face making me even more upset. but smile and laugh, don't look upset. i realized that i am not friends with any smokers, and so i am not used to having to deal with smoke. i have been lucky that i haven't had to be around people that have a habit that seriously gives me headaches. perhaps, this is why none of my friends are smokers, because i probably had no desire to try to form a friendship with them after they do something that makes me so want to throw shit at them. i seriously wanted to leave so many times - to just escape the heat and the smoke, and the having to listen to tedious conversation about people whom i really did not even know. but i couldn't leave, sarah drove. so for probably three plus hours, i sat in this diner, seriously fantasizing about taking their packs of menthol marlboro lights and stomping on them repeatedly, right before fleeing into the cool night, laughing maniaclly. but, i didn't have a getaway car since sarah drove.

mariah carey came on over the radio, and vince got so excited and asked me if i liked mariah. i said i hated her, but ended up singing along just because i knew the lyrics and it was some escape from the diner table dynamics. a mariah discussion ensued.

sarah: hey did you hear that her label paid like 15 million dollar for her to tear up her contract?
all (except sarah): yeah, yeah
lisa: i think it was actually 28 million.
vince: good job. see, you've been keeping up on mariah. everyone loves mariah.

is this for real? am i really happening? when sarah said 15 million, i corrected her in my head, thinking that it was really about 28 million or something. when vince said "good job" to lisa, i was like what the fuck? why do i know this? i am watching far too much tv, if i know all this mariah gossip. i need to quit watching so much tv.

finally they asked for the check, and then sarah and i went to tower records and listened to all the listening stations. we left and then weird thing #1 happened that made me wonder how me and sarah are still friends: she said she needed to stop and pick up some "feminine products" without any hint of irony. she then stopped at safeway, and we went in. she told me that i couldn't stand next to her when she bought them. what? are you for real? and yes folks, she totally was. we got to the aisle, and she was so embarrassed and gave me her keys and begged me to wait in the car. i could not even believe that this gay girl was being so silly about buying motherfucking tampons in front of a gay boy. what, might i see the box? whatever, i went and waited in the car. she came out about five minutes later with no bag, saying they didn't have what she needed. i didn't even want to ask what type of tampons she couldn't find in the entire motherfucking tampon aisle. we drove to a couple more stores, none of which were open.

weird thing #2 that makes me wonder how we are still friends: she was telling me some story about when she was riding in hillary's car, giving lots of details, and one of them was hillary was listening to "black music." abruptly lift the record needle.
-what?
-you know, she was listening to wu-tang or something.
-okay, whatever. go head with your story.[meanwhile, i am still a little apalled by what she said, but not feeling like arguing with someone that's been a close friend since ninth grade.]

weird thing #3 that makes me wonder how we still are friends: we're listening to z104 and the dj basically does a target promotion, saying something like, "and u2 just released a new album of b-sides and remixes that is only available at target stores." lame, right? but sarah exclaims, "whoa! that's so exciting," in a way where you can't tell if she's being serious or sarcastic. so, i asked her if she was serious? and she said another real enthusiatic "yeah," explaining that u2 is really cool, and that she needed to go to target tomorrow.

but whatever, i know why we remain friends. because we both are immature and love to laugh at everything together, and we have so many shared stories and all. i don't know. i'm tired. i'm going to bed. i'm supposed to go job hunting with sarah tomorrow at ten. but most likely both of us will oversleep. and that's another reason we're friends.

re: sam

the job hunt continues. today, i woke up at noon, ate some oatmeal, and drove down to old town to see if any places were hiring. driving down king street towards the potomac, i spot a great parking spot. sweet! but, wait! motherfucking stop the presses - what the hell are they playing on wpfw? i can not even believe that they are playing gil scott heron's "it's your world." this has got to be a sign of some sorts - this was one of my favorite songs last year, one that i would listen to over and over again. and i have never heard it on the radio. ever. i get far too excited by the song, decide not to park - to cruise around old town listening to "it's your world." the sky was grayer than gray today. it was about sixty degrees and dark dark dark, and i did not/do not want a job. i do not want to work. why again, am i taking the semester off? i don't even know. job hunting is the most depressing thing in the world, especially when the word work is anaethema to my sleep all day lifestyle.

i get out of the car, walk down king street, see a couple of help wanted signs in restaurant windows. ugh, being a waiter. i don't want to do that, at least not yet. i decide to go into the torpedo factory and wander around looking at all the artists' booths. i decide i'll apply to these restaurants tomorrow. i would just break down and cry if i had to apply today.

so, i decide to go to target since i am already half way there and i have some store credit left from x-mas returns. barnes and nobles is literally two stores down from target and i wondered if they were hiring, but i didn't feel like walking in to ask. so after i left target, i drove past barnes and nobles to see if they had a hiring sign or anything. nope, okay good. i drive home and the classic rock station plays springsteen's "i'm going down," another one of my favorite songs that i have never heard on the radio. i kept getting all excited at every verse, hoping for the "i remember when my kisses used to turn you inside out" verse - it finally came, and i was so so happy. radio cranked as loud as it gets. me singing even louder over it. and i forget for a brief moment that i have to find a job. all i can think about is remembering when his kisses did used to turn me inside out.

i get home and call some bookstores in the phonebook to see if they are hiring. and of course, the barnes and nobles is - so, i drive all the way back out there to pick up an application. i pop in the 10,000 maniacs unplugged tape since i was feeling sort of down, and natalie picks me right up, nurses me in her arms back to happiness.

during this drive through traffic snarls, traffic meows, and traffic growls - i maintained a detachment from the chaos around me - instead, totally involved with natalie's words and the guitar strums and the harmony of their overlap. thinking about lots of non-traffic thoughts. boys, my life, my lack of one, my lack of knowledge about colors (i really wish i knew how to describe what color the sky was - it wasn't really gray, it was sort of blueish, but not even, ahh, i don't know).

also thinking about what sam said in his last diary entry about familiar music: "I just put on either something I’m familiar with or something that sounds like something I’m familiar with and sort of fill the void with these sounds that I do not form a direct connection with, sounds which only serve to distract me, or sounds which complement whatever phony lifestyle I’ve chosen at whatever point. But then all it takes is one real rock and roll experience moment, really feeling it, and all the bullshit is worth it."

i don't know what diary etiquette is (or if there is such a thing). i feel sort of weird about responding in my diary to something someone said in theirs. about making what was monologic (sort of) into something that is dialogic (or at least more so). so whatever, if i ain't got no etiquette, then i ain't got none. what?

i just don't think listening to the same stuff over and over again, is a bullshit listening experience. perhaps, this is because i get sort of obsessive about albums and songs that i like and listen to them over and over again. for example, me and bonnie have listend to that nelly furtado album about eight million times. no joke. okay, not the whole album. mainly just "turn off the lights."

some songs just have an incantatory power that is heightened with each listening. and no, not "re-listening". each listening no matter how many times you have heard it is a "listening" without the re- precedding it. it's a brand new experience. it's seriously a trance-like state that some music can produce. a familiar song can just totally turn your mood around. those songs remind you that a frown is nothing but a smile upside down.

saying that listening to familiar music is bullshit seems so offensive to me. i mean, would you say that sleeping with the same person more than once is a bullshit experience because it's familiar? that monogamy is "the safety of dull repetition"? no, because it's obviously not - each experience is new and different, even though the partner is the same. and perhaps, this is a bad example, equating sex with music - but, i really don't think so. i think that music holds just as many spiritual properties as sex, if not more so. but whatever, maybe you think of sex as the highest form of experience. so, let's use an example that is more purely sensual: ice cream. is eating the same ice cream flavor over and over again falling into "the safety of dull repetition"? maybe, but each time you let a chunk of coffee ice cream melt in your mouth, it is absolute heaven, no matter how many thousands of times you have done it before.

it's the same thing with music. i have heard some albums countless times, and each time i listen to them, i am elevated to some sort of heightened state. midnight marauders. born in the usa. under the table and dreaming. baduizm. wildflowers. mellon collie. odelay. post. al green's greatest hits. 10,000 maniacs unplugged. like a sex partner or coffee ice cream, you find something magical each time you sleep with one of these albums. r

eventually it will plateau

because i have no common sense, i went all the way down to dupont circle to apply at melody records, without calling first to make sure they were still hiring.

RETAIL POSITION AVAILABLE at Melody Records for bright, energetic customer individual with excellent customer service skills, superb attention to detail and hard worker. Please apply in person, 1623 Connecticut Ave. NW.

i didn't leave my house until four something because i started listening to sade's "love deluxe," and got very mellowed out and did not feel like leaving the house to apply for jobs.

i rode on the metro to dupont next to some twenty-something girl who is listening to go-go very loudly on her headphones, which made me very excited. sitting ahead of me by about two rows, sitting facing sideways, was the cutest boy ever, circling ads in the want ads. he was very cute, and i think he saw me staring at him a couple of times. i kept on turning to the side whenever he lifted his head to look our way. i get off at dupont, and i don't know what the fuck i was thinking - i don't know why i thought it would be fun to work in a snotty gay neighborhood. at the top of the esacaltor, i suddenly get intimidated by having super hot gay dudes walking next to me, walking past me, walking every which way. crowds of gay men intimidate me more than anything and i'm not exactly sure why. but whatever, i walk as fast as i can to melody records. i enter the store and ask: are you still hiring? music store dude responds: nope, we just hired someone yesterday. me: okay, well thanks. (but really i was thinking: grr-what-a-waste-of-time-another-reason-i-hate-dupont-grrr-double-grrrgrr).

so i rode the metro back home very sad, feeling very silly for feeling so lame around gay people and also upset because the motherfucking store was not hiring anymore. i get on the red line. get off at gallery place/chinatown and switch to the yellow line. i manage to grab a seat, sit there depressed and observe all the people crowded around me who just got off work and look so glum.

-the man next to me was reading some book of poetry. i kept trying to glance at what it was. finally, i saw the back cover and it was by tao te ching. he also would occasionally consult a paperback dictionary to look up certain words, i guess.
-a really loud set of two females behind me kept talking and talking. i overheard one of them exclaim, "eventually it will plateau!" i didn't know what that was in reference too, but for some reason that quote seemed real appropriate to the current moment and my mind chewed on its meaning for a while.
-a businessman in a nice suit was wearing cowboy boots.
-a woman across the aisle was reading, "in it to win it?," which sounded like a real lame self-help book. and in addition, she was hi-lighting it with a yellow hi-lighter.
-some ad in one of the metro stations said, "anticipation of things to come." i don't remember what the ad was for.
-a few people were reading the washington post.
-a 20 something girl was wearing a cordoroy jacket, like the type jordan catilono used to wear, and it made me really want one. i am going to keep my eye out for one of them the next time i go to goodwill.
-an old man, wearing a usa baseball cap, was asleep in his seat, leaning forward, with a copy of "harry potter and the goblet of fire" in his lap.
-two strangers were sharing a seat, both asleep. one with his head leaning forward, the other with her head leaning backwards.

and, i guess i'll go job-hunting again tomorrow, once it reaches five o clock, i just for some reason don't like to apply for jobs. i tell myself that it is because it is better to apply in the daytime, but most likely it is because i am sort of lazy.

"anyway you want it - that's the way you need it"

my heart beat scares me sometimes. i stuck my hand under my shirt, placed my right hand over my left breast, sat silently and felt my heart pump pump pump. for some reason, it creeped me out, but i'm going to try to do this more often because it makes me aware of my fragility. it's a pretty cool feeling, that helps keep my inflated sense of self in check, reminding me that i am mortal - that i am just a tiny little animal.

today i decided that i am taking a semester off for sure. i am going to call hunter and new college tomorrow, and apply for some jobs around here and think about what i want do with my life. i am listening to a journey album that i just got at target, and i sort of really love it. monster ballads always make me feel like i am just about to graduate from high school - both giddy with excitement and sad with nostalgia about life's potential.

we're not in kansas anymore

starbucks, diners, and wal-marts, oh my! starbucks, diners, and wal-marts, oh my! okay, so it's not lions, tigers, or bears - but what do you expect? the road wasn't made out of yellow-bricks either. it was black asphalt. this was not the land of oz - this was the land of NoVA: shopping centers, strip malls, and subdivisions with hoity names like stoneybrooke. but whatever - that does not mean that us suburbanites can not still seek the wizard. the emerald city can be found in any chain bookstore; in any denny's; in any laundromat; in any starbucks; in any strip mall parking lot. it lies there waiting with a man behind the curtain pulling levers and pushing buttons, constructing some reality. it just requires a little looking. dorothy and toto knew this - they battled apple-throwing trees and flying monkeys to get to the wizard. of course, there will be the suburban equivalent of naughty trees and scary monkeys, but that should not discourage one from finding the wizard of suburbia. the wiz is there waiting.

this afternoon, i told my friend sarah that i would go with her to the kingstowne starbucks to hang out with her. i drove to her house, listening to wpgc, and i was like what? what is this that they are playing? it's a hip hop station and they were playing some jammin oldies type song. i then realized what it was - it was stevie wonder's "happy birthday" about mlk, and it was super beautiful and gave me chills of all the right kind, thinking about the civil rights era and where we are now. after the song ended, the normally loud djs talked so sincerely about how grateful they were to mlk, about how they have benefited from his efforts and chill chill chill came over me - they said that they hoped everyone took some time today to reflect on mlk's message and how we could progress more. i felt sort of real bad for being so insincere about mlk day in my last entry, and took time to reflect like they suggested, realizing that he was a huge force in bringing about significant positive change.

quite often, i forget that a struggle actually did occur in this country not too long ago for liberties that i assume are permanent. very comfortable in my suburban life, rarely feeling the effects of discrimination, i just assume that whatever, it's not a big deal. i am resolving to try to be aware that a struggle did occur fairly recently, and to quit being so flippant about the benefits i have inherited from the efforts of that struggle. i resolved pretty much the exact same thing about two years ago. i was working at borders and some old guy wanted me to help him find a book. it was some book about the civil rights struggle, "crossing border street." and i was making small talk with him and he then told me that the book was about his family. i became intrigued and asked him about it, and he told me basically a really long story that i am still so grateful i got to hear. he told me about his youth when his family was the main force behind the deacons for defense. he told me that he armed himself, and that the kkk once surrounded his house, but his family showed their arms. and just such wild shit that i forget actually occurred in some peoples lifetimes. this was just a slightly old man that i would normally have thought nothing of, but fuck wow he actually lived through this struggle and was an active part in it. i was so awed by this man and his stories and was so happy he shared them with me. and well, anyways i made this same resolution right after meeting him.

the djs spoke with a sincerity that also awed me and just gave me chills. i am becoming more and more convinced that sincerity is the most beautiful thing. when someone lets down their guard, and just exposes them fragile selves, speaking raw and truly, it astounds me. and it shouldn't be astounding, it should be normal, but when someone is sincere, i really do feel privileged to something special, like i’m seeing a shooting star or something, it's just like wow, thank you so much for showing me that.

the djs then segued into the next song, the new outkast single, and i sang along so so happy. i sang along to a couple more songs before i got to sarah's house. she drove to starbucks, and we arrived, ordering our coffee drinks like all good suburban kids who like to play grown-up. while sarah was ordering her drink, i managed to snag a frank sinatra cd that they were selling. i am listening to ol' blue eyes right now, and so loving this cd. it's one of those loungy compilations of his love songs. but sadly, the cd does not have "fly me to the moon" on it (my favorite frankie song ever!) and i have a two-disc set of his greatest hits that also does not have it on it, it is sort of upsetting, but not even that much, cause frankie's pretty much wonderful all the time.

we then sit in comfy chairs by the window with our froo-froo drinks, watch skater kids hop onto the curb, do tricks, and show their beautiful teenage selves to all the strip mall's patrons, most who look on with disgust - but not me and sarah, we both sort of love skater kids, and look with love out the window at kids who are making beauty out of ugly curbs, and even uglier big concrete blocks - converting them to a stage to wow us with their performance. is this what butler meant by resignifying? maybe. wouldn't that be so pomo of those oh so cute skater kids to make drab suburban architecture into the emerald city.

we talked about school, about being gay, about photography, and about bad movies forever, before falling so eagerly into the oh-do-you-remember-when game, recalling very fondly stories from high school. talking trash about people we hated and exchanging gossip about what people are doing now. we both agreed that we would kick miss coile in the shins if we ever saw her in public for being such an evil woman. sarah told me a story about one of our spanish teachers, mr. munoz. she saw him at a gay club a couple months ago and he was very obviously rolling and started petting her. she was very freaked out by it, and we had a good laugh at the expense of all the fucked-up teachers who composed the faculty at wonderful west potomac.

and then, because the world has gone mad, she out of the blue asked me if i wanted to go see nelly furtado. i said are you fucking kidding? of course, joni just asked me the same thing yesterday. she was real relieved, saying that she was sort of embarrassed to ask me. and then we talked about nelly, getting all giddy to go see her, and planned to buy tickets and make matching i heart nelly furtado t-shirts.

after sitting in starbucks for a couple of hours, led by our stomachs, we left to go in search of some grub. as soon as we got out of starbucks, i showed sarah my loot, and she was real surprised and impressed asking me when and how i took the cd. her being impressed with this loot, led into a discussion of me bragging about my klepto godliness, itemizing all of the many expensive things me and bonnie managed to steal last semester. she was real impressed, boosting my ego, and then we sat in the car some more deciding where we wanted to go eat. she suggested this random diner, and i was like sure, whatever, i am hun-grr-ree! drawn out like that to emphasize to her my state of hunger.

and we were off to the barnside diner somewhere out in landmark. i think we sat down around six or so, looked at the menu, and what is this i spy? they have gyros. i told sarah about my resolution to stop eating meat, and being eve the temptress, she told me not to worry about it - to eat the gyro. i wavered between a veggie omelette and the beef gyro; between not eating meat and eating meat; between sticking to my new year's resolution and being a cowardly poltroon with no will, giving in to every whim and craving of my ravenous stomach. i chose the latter. c'mon, a fucking gyro! god, i haven't had one of those in so long.

we talked and laughed, and then when our food came, we ate. and then we talked and laughed some more. and some more until a little after eleven when we paid our check since our waiter's shift was over, and decided to depart. sarah decided that she wanted to dye her hair, so we made a run to wal-mart. on the way there, i confessed my love of adult contemporary, and she said me too!, so excitedly and then she showed me what her presets were. one was 107.3 and two was 104.1. dude, all right! we sang along to our beloved adult contemporary songs, exchanged more stories, and then made our way through the brightly-lit aisles of wal-mart in search of hair dye and the wizard. i somehow convinced sarah, a really light blonde, to dye her hair red, and we looked at all the various hair dyes forever, examining those really fun hair samples under each product. those dyed hair samples are so fun to pet. i felt every single red hair sample, connecting myself with every other person who entered this wal-mart wanting to make themselves new, and sought a little help from hair dye.

we heard the ten minute warning, because this is not sarasota and for some reason the wal-mart closes at midnight. the wal-marts in NoVa are all cinderella wal-marts - there are no 24 hour wal-marts by my house. we ignore the intercom's demand to bring our final purchases to the register, and instead make for the cd section. i told sarah about how i really like the new garth brooks song, "wrapped up in you." the song is so awesome - the lyrics are kind of cheesy - but the tune itself is so fun and boot-stomping good - it is my favorite pop single of the moment. i scanned the cd under the tv to show sarah what i was talking about - it showed a clip from the music video. and sarah did not have my back on this one, she was like ick, country! but, whatever, the song rocks. we played around in the cd section ignoring closing announcement after closing announcement, until we were sort of swept out of the music section by some employees. so, we made for the register, sarah purchased her hair dye and we left, ready to end this very long day of suburban adventures. we get in the car and we hear that synth drum opening, and fuck yeah, it is! we sing along at the top of our lungs to inxs' "i need you tonight," dancing madly, letting out the occasional woo-hoo, reveling in each others’ company, and basking in her car's heavy duty heat. feeling even hotter from the singing and dancing. twist the temperature knob to the left, placing the dial in that shady area between heat and a/c.

we enter the street to her subdivision and citizen king's "better days" came on, and yes i know it's the worst kind of crap. but we didn't care because we knew the words. so, we sang along excitedly to some bad music, nearing sarah's house. sarah says that she wants to hear the rest of the song and keeps driving. so she starts circling the subdivision of vantage. houses with lights off. station wagons and minivans lining the block. the occasional spot under a streetlamp colored that orangey-yellow color. we drove around vantage past the end of "better days." past the end of about two more songs before we finally pulled into sarah's driveway. i said goodbye, told her i'd call her tomorrow, clicked my heels, and departed for home in my mom's minivan.

i did not leave the house once today (seriously) and i don't give a shit

the snow had pretty much all melted by the time i finally decided to get my lazy ass out of bed. lonely looking patches of snow fighting tooth and nail to stick around. no longer whites only. green grass, brown puddles of mud, unraked fallen leaves of a sort of browish color all with the remaining white patches of snow. how appropriate that on mlk day, white dominance ends and integration occurs. kind of. or at least, on our back lawn.

so, i am 99% sure that i am going to take a semester off. tomorrow, i am going to try to apply for some jobs around here. tonight, i talked to my friend from high school, joni, and she is also taking this semester off. talking to her was so great because i have not talked to her in forever, and she is one of the few people from high school that i actually still find interesting. she called at like ten fifteen, which i was sort of sad about because i am a big loser and was watching queer as folk and was sort of getting real into the plot, and did not get to see the end. isn't that real pathatic that i am such a tv addict? but whatever, talking to joni was probably a lot better for me than watching trashy late night cable. the fact that she is also taking a semester off makes me feel a lot better about myself - about hanging out in NoVa rather than being in school. because, people in NoVa are rather weird and they all go to college and are like, "what, you're taking a semester off?" sort of looking at you like you would a crack addict, like what the fuck is wrong with you? most people already think that i go to a joke school anyways, and this will just seal the deal, i fear, about me being perceived as a grade a slacker.

and even though, i am about to take on this role of the i'm-just-taking-some-time-off-from-school slacker, when joni was talking to me about her life, i was thinking the what's wrong with you thoughts about her. she's working at springfield mall at a record store, and today after she got off work, she went to the library, checked out a bunch of art books and got stoned at home, looking at pictures of the sistine chapel. i was like greeaattt. am i going to be another sad case of suburban youth gone awry?

i was just sort of thinking that. most of the time i was laughing silly because joni is one of the few persons that has the ability to make me laugh non-stop. and she really loves nelly furtado and wants me to get tix with her to go see her in march. and i was like, are you kidding? fuck yeah. i sort of really love nelly furtado, and was real surprised that one of my friends other than bonnie, really liked nelly.

i sort of don't have a fucking clue what i am doing with myself. i'm pretty sure that i am taking a semester off, but not even positive about that. i don't know what i believe about anything. i am fucking numb to everything - i don't reactfeellive. i sort of sometimes hate just about everybody lately. i don't know why i don't want to be in school. i don't know why i am in school. and, i don't know what i would do with my time if i wasn't. i'm soon probably about to find that out. i kind of have no urge to leave my living room ever. at times, i think: charlie, you do not want to spend an entire eight or so months living at home, you'll shoot yourself - look for something to do; someplace to go. and then other times, i lie on the couch, watch tv, stuff my face with various junk food products, and think to myself, why would i ever want to do anything other than this? i have no life drive at all. i am a zombie. and it doesn't bother me except when i'm writing these motherfucking diary entries - making my loserness all too explicit to myself and i guess to whoever the fuck is silly enough to read this crap.

the weathermen were right for a change

i woke up this morning so excited. lifted myself up in my bed so i could peek out my blinds. yes. snow snow snow still falling from the sky. i finally got my long wished for snow. i went back to bed, still tired, but so so happy that there was snow on the ground. cuddled up in my covers, squirming with delight. it snowed. squirm squirm squirm. curl up in a warmer position. it snowed. and more squirming. i woke up about an hour later so happy for a change. i ate some oatmeal, read the paper, and then went outside to eat some snow. and then played in it for a while. there wasn't much to play with, it was only a couple of inches, but it was still wonderful to see white lawns, white streets, white roofs, and a grey-whitish sky with no sun in sight yet still brightness everywhere. snow gives a brightness to normally stodgy winter days. and snow tastes so yummy. the second i got out the door, i grabbed a fistful, and started chowing down.

then i did some apt hunting and called this one. the rent was only 300 a month, and it was in a really cool neighborhood, and so i called and talked to this kid patrick who was so nice and babbled and babbled about him and his straightedge roommates. he wanted me to come and look at it and meet the other roommates, but i told him that i was in va, and so he said that i should come and look at it next weekend. it's sort of really hard to find an apt when you're not in the city, and also when you are only going to be there for six months. it's sort of really frustrating and time consuming.

so ny? or no ny? i'm getting closer to a decision and right now it is a 90% chance that i will be taking a semester off. my mom said to me today something like: "charlie, you haven't found an apt? you know you need to be up there in a week." and then i got real brave and told her that i was thinking about taking a semester off. and i braced myself, stiffening my body, getting very anxy in expectation of her yelling. but no! she was a normal person that i would talk to about this and was real cool with whatever i wanted to do. she told me that my many possible plans for taking a semester off sounded real cool. just as long as i went back to school in the fall. i told her that i was definitly going to, and woo-hoo, that was such a good reaction from her. these are the days when i really appreciate my mom - when she shows her kind, cool self. a lot of the time, i do not give her enough credit for being so nice, usually feeling that teenage tension towards her since she's my mom. but whatever, she's my mom and she made me feel a lot better about my plans and myself. no child-parent tension - at least not today.

i've not touched my isp in a few days, and i'm about to send mezey some long pathatic e-mail asking for an extension. oh, and i'm no longer freaking out about being lonely my last semester if i take a semester off, because rebecca told me that that's the semester she will graduate and so she will be my compadre then.

okay and it's saturday night and so here is the obligatory discussion of snl and jimmy fallon: snl was so so good tonight, it made me even happier than i already was. although, it did sort of make me add a few more percentage points to the possibility to me going to ny, because of beautiful beautiful jimmy. and snl was so fun tonight, really good host and really fun band. no sean william scott or ja rule or eve. and because of this, the show had far less ingratiating grr-this-is-why-i-hate-that-celeb moments. the host was jake black and the band was the strokes. and even chris kattan was funny tonight. he made me laugh out loud playing a white-trash mullet-sporting dude in florida in a tiny t-shirt and tighty whities. it was mucho mucho funny. and then after snl, i flipped through the channels and saw american beauty, and watched the last half of that. oh, and one more snl comment. during the closing credits, jimmy fallon was wearing a coliseum books t-shirt. that's the indy bookstore in ny that's closing due a doubling of its rent. and that made me so happy that jimmy was all about this indy bookshop and pointing to his shirt during the credits. isn't he the cutest?

and can i just say how much i hate cake! okay, not really. in fact, i love them, and that's why i hate them - because they played in dc about a week before i came home for thanksgiving, and now they are going to play in tampa on feb. 10, when i will be nowhere near tampa. i was real in love with them in high school and saw them perform on my eighteenth bday, but the crush has sort of been fading these past couple years. but today, i had a cake jonesing and have been listening to them pretty much all day. and so right now, i want our paths to cross again, motherfuck tampa.

and here's a story to make you pissed. it's about a usf profesor being fired for basically being pro-palestine. but, salon does such a good job on this story. it's real good. it surprises me a lot though that it is their top story. i just always think no one cares about usf, but whatever, it's pretty interesting just because it's about usf stuff.t

the magic of retail

ripped petal after ripped petal. he loves me. he loves me not. and the petals drop one by one, and a decision is closer and closer. i'm going to go to ny next weekend and start school. i'm going to take a semester off and do i don't know what. and, it is very likely that the actual decision may be decided by a flower, because right now i have no idea what i want to do, and i am looking for someone to tell me. i called rebecca this afternoon and she didn't have much advice other than that i should take a semester off just because everyone should. it's a decision that i'm going to have to decide and that is what is bothering me more than anything.

i'm just not feeling like being in school right now. last night after my mom made that non-serious comment in passing about me taking a semester off, i started seriously considering it, feeling so relieved to think that i don't have to go to school next semester. that i am at the helm of this ship - that it is not a ship out of control with a course being determined by rough winds and the flow of the tide. fuck no, bitch, this is the twenty-first century, this is a motherfucking power boat. not no inky dinky raft. and now, that i am somewhat aware that i am in control of my life, i have to decide where to steer this boat - what i actually want to do with "my life". my fucking life! last night i laid awake thinking of the possibilities and realizing that i am living my life right now. sometimes (in fact most of the time) i sit on my ass or go through the motions, completely unaware of this fact - that my life is (present tense) being lived. when am i going to actually start doing stuff that i am excited about - stuff that i want to do? i'm going to wait a couple of years, at which point i will be saying okay i just need to finish this and then... and van halen, break it down for us: "Right now, hey / It's your tomorrow / Right now, / C'mon,it's everything / Right now, / Catch a magic moment, do it / Right here and now / It means everything!"

what is holding me back from taking a semester off is my sense of social norms - of what i tell myself that "good" college students would do in this situation. come on charlie, just finish school, graduate and then fuck around. ahhh, i don't know what to do. maybe you can tell that by how i am trying to work out right now to myself what i am going to do. i am going to think about this over the weekend and have a decision by monday at the latest. i woke up this morning very determined to take a semester off, looking at cool resort jobs out west, and jobs at ski resorts. my decision was made. then, i checked my e-mail and niki e-mailed me that she found a two bedroom apt for 775. then my plans changed again because that sounded real fun.

then i talked to niki later in the day and of course we could not get the apt for many reasons that will just further annoy me here to relist them. so anyways, niki is having thesis trouble and it is not looking so good for a graduation at the end of january. and so, i would be living by myself which doesn't seem as fun. okay, we're going to work this out and do some pro con stuff:

pros to taking a semester off
-i would not be in school, stressing out about classes that really don't even excite me that much
-i would not have to worry about finding a place to live in the next week
-i could collect myself mentally, spiritually and all other those other fun -lly words, before throwing myself headfirst into ny
-i could travel, work someplace fun, and do whatever the fuck i felt like. i could be mary poppins and go whichever way the wind blows.
-i could probably get an extension on this stupid joyce isp
-i could read whatever i wanted.

cons to taking a semester off
-i would not be able to graduate in four years. i'd have to do it four and a half, and that worries me because i already know so few people at nc, i fear that my last semester would be lonelyville and depressing. i envision the end of charlotte's web where all the baby spiders go their own way and leave wilbur all my himself. new college was so depressing over fall break with no familar faces around, and a whole semester of that seems like it would be so so painful.
-okay, that is the main reason. but also, ny would be lots of fun.
-i don't know how my mom would respond to me taking a semester off, and by going to ny, i would never need to find out.
-my sister would make big time fun of me.

okay, the con side is looking pretty pathatic, but i still don't know what to do.

************************that's enough talk about all that. i went to shopper's food warehouse tonight to get my mom some sugar. i drove her minvan. passed an old piano on the side of the road with a piece of wood sitting on it that said free in spraypainted letters. i parked really far away from the store just because. the walk into shoppers felt so good. nice cold breezy weather. i passed two old women, caught a snippet of the conversation ...you need to get to a shelter, you know you should with the... and i didn't hear the why, but i was assuming what followed was some mention to the snow. tomorrow we are supposed to get 4-6 inches of snow in the afternoon. as excited as i am about the snow, i felt pity for this woman whose face i did not even see, who needs to get to a shelter. the line was killer long at the checkout since everyone in va goes haywire at the mention of snow and buys enough food for a nuclear fallout.

and i don't know how to discuss this without sounding cheesy, perhaps there is no way. but whatever- standing in this long line with my bag of white, granulated sugar. long lines paralleling mine to my right and to my left. people with carts full of groceries standing there. i could feel the occasional chill air coming in through the automatic doors opening and closing. i saw magazines with young, pretty white faces on them before me. muscle and fitness. teen people. cosmo. etc. the fluorescent lighting and my position combined to place a huge glare on the magazines, so that they couldn't be seen too well. i glanced over them. no one else was looking at them. people were looking ahead, to their side at their kids, at whatever. and, i'm stuck on race, yes i know, but probably about ten percent of the people waiting in line were white. about half were black. and the other near half were salvadoreans, puerto ricans, indians, immigrants from all over. and we were all standing here bundled up in winter coats waiting. together and waiting. for something it seemed like. an event commensurate to our numbers and greatness seemed like it should have happened. maybe it did. it was not the consumerist exercise of buying groceries. no no no. it was the commonality of man -- the sense of shared identity/shared experience. none of us got anxy or impatient in line. we took it for what it was and enjoyed it. that's why we came to the store in the first place during a snow buying binge - to stand in long lines with animals of the same species and feel some sort of connectedness to something. the he and she and i merging into the we. and besides that wonderful feeling of oneness, we all also left with our desired food product(s).

the downward spiral

okay, time for some more high school rock analogies. i think to borrow an awesome album's title, that i am in "the downward spiral." i told myself that i was just going to sign online, check my e-mail and then go to bed. i was not going to write a diary entry. i spend way too much time doing these when nothing even happens in my life.

more of the same today. i woke up at 2:43, real depressed because it was already so late and here i am staying up real late again, meaning i will probably wake up real late again tomorrow and feel like shit again. i did not look too hard for apartments today. my mom came home and asked me if i found one. i told her no. and she said that i did not seem very excited about going to ny. and, you know what, she is damn right. i don't know why, i just am not excited at all. she told me, (i think, jokingly) that maybe i should just take a semester off and work. i lied and told her that i AM excited about going to ny.

but then, i started thinking about how i kind of don't want to go - how i don't want to be in school - how i don't want to have to find an apt, but i have to be the somewhat responsible one since niki is even lazier than i am. so, i am appearantly going up to ny next weekend, which seems sort of real soon considering my lack of housing and my lack of progress on my isp. i am now on page 323 (not even halfway done) of this book that i have fantasies about wildly burning on my back porch, screaming and laughing maniaclly, doing a little dance around it, maybe even a jig as a nod to the stupid irishness of it all.

i get so bored reading ulysses. boring section, who the hell cares? okay, i'll just skip to the end of this paragraph. okay, i'll just skip to the next page. okay, i'll just skip the next twenty or so pages, i'm sure i'll be just as bored and clueless there.

i went to power video tonight to return some movies. this was my excursion out of the house today. while i was walking back to my car, some boy was walking in my direction. i saw a fucking mirage. i swear to god, i got the biggest smile on my face, so excited to see marky mark. i don't know why he would have been in the belle view shopping center parking lot in alexandria, va - i did not even bother to think that it obviously was not him. i was just so excited to see marky mark, and as i am about to say hello to "mark", thank god, one of the boy's friends ran over and said hi to this boy before me. he was just some random skater boy, in a hooded sweatshirt that looked nothing like marky mark save for his cute hair.

i sort of got in my car real quick after that, worried that the skater kids would be very creeped out my smiling at them and kick my ass. i caught the end of "linger" on z104. dolores' lyrics seemed all to appropriate a soundtrack for my lameness. i came home and pretendend to read some more joyce on the couch. my mom asked me if i wanted to go for a walk with her. i told her no. and i don't know why, but i just started feeling so pathatic. as soon as she left, i let ulysses fall to the floor, hid my face in the couch pillows and started crying.

and there's really no cause for my recent emotional outbreaks, i just don't know. okay, now i'm for real going to bed.