Friday, January 18, 2002

the downward spiral

okay, time for some more high school rock analogies. i think to borrow an awesome album's title, that i am in "the downward spiral." i told myself that i was just going to sign online, check my e-mail and then go to bed. i was not going to write a diary entry. i spend way too much time doing these when nothing even happens in my life.

more of the same today. i woke up at 2:43, real depressed because it was already so late and here i am staying up real late again, meaning i will probably wake up real late again tomorrow and feel like shit again. i did not look too hard for apartments today. my mom came home and asked me if i found one. i told her no. and she said that i did not seem very excited about going to ny. and, you know what, she is damn right. i don't know why, i just am not excited at all. she told me, (i think, jokingly) that maybe i should just take a semester off and work. i lied and told her that i AM excited about going to ny.

but then, i started thinking about how i kind of don't want to go - how i don't want to be in school - how i don't want to have to find an apt, but i have to be the somewhat responsible one since niki is even lazier than i am. so, i am appearantly going up to ny next weekend, which seems sort of real soon considering my lack of housing and my lack of progress on my isp. i am now on page 323 (not even halfway done) of this book that i have fantasies about wildly burning on my back porch, screaming and laughing maniaclly, doing a little dance around it, maybe even a jig as a nod to the stupid irishness of it all.

i get so bored reading ulysses. boring section, who the hell cares? okay, i'll just skip to the end of this paragraph. okay, i'll just skip to the next page. okay, i'll just skip the next twenty or so pages, i'm sure i'll be just as bored and clueless there.

i went to power video tonight to return some movies. this was my excursion out of the house today. while i was walking back to my car, some boy was walking in my direction. i saw a fucking mirage. i swear to god, i got the biggest smile on my face, so excited to see marky mark. i don't know why he would have been in the belle view shopping center parking lot in alexandria, va - i did not even bother to think that it obviously was not him. i was just so excited to see marky mark, and as i am about to say hello to "mark", thank god, one of the boy's friends ran over and said hi to this boy before me. he was just some random skater boy, in a hooded sweatshirt that looked nothing like marky mark save for his cute hair.

i sort of got in my car real quick after that, worried that the skater kids would be very creeped out my smiling at them and kick my ass. i caught the end of "linger" on z104. dolores' lyrics seemed all to appropriate a soundtrack for my lameness. i came home and pretendend to read some more joyce on the couch. my mom asked me if i wanted to go for a walk with her. i told her no. and i don't know why, but i just started feeling so pathatic. as soon as she left, i let ulysses fall to the floor, hid my face in the couch pillows and started crying.

and there's really no cause for my recent emotional outbreaks, i just don't know. okay, now i'm for real going to bed.

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