so, i am 99% sure that i am going to take a semester off. tomorrow, i am going to try to apply for some jobs around here. tonight, i talked to my friend from high school, joni, and she is also taking this semester off. talking to her was so great because i have not talked to her in forever, and she is one of the few people from high school that i actually still find interesting. she called at like ten fifteen, which i was sort of sad about because i am a big loser and was watching queer as folk and was sort of getting real into the plot, and did not get to see the end. isn't that real pathatic that i am such a tv addict? but whatever, talking to joni was probably a lot better for me than watching trashy late night cable. the fact that she is also taking a semester off makes me feel a lot better about myself - about hanging out in NoVa rather than being in school. because, people in NoVa are rather weird and they all go to college and are like, "what, you're taking a semester off?" sort of looking at you like you would a crack addict, like what the fuck is wrong with you? most people already think that i go to a joke school anyways, and this will just seal the deal, i fear, about me being perceived as a grade a slacker.
and even though, i am about to take on this role of the i'm-just-taking-some-time-off-from-school slacker, when joni was talking to me about her life, i was thinking the what's wrong with you thoughts about her. she's working at springfield mall at a record store, and today after she got off work, she went to the library, checked out a bunch of art books and got stoned at home, looking at pictures of the sistine chapel. i was like greeaattt. am i going to be another sad case of suburban youth gone awry?
i was just sort of thinking that. most of the time i was laughing silly because joni is one of the few persons that has the ability to make me laugh non-stop. and she really loves nelly furtado and wants me to get tix with her to go see her in march. and i was like, are you kidding? fuck yeah. i sort of really love nelly furtado, and was real surprised that one of my friends other than bonnie, really liked nelly.
i sort of don't have a fucking clue what i am doing with myself. i'm pretty sure that i am taking a semester off, but not even positive about that. i don't know what i believe about anything. i am fucking numb to everything - i don't reactfeellive. i sort of sometimes hate just about everybody lately. i don't know why i don't want to be in school. i don't know why i am in school. and, i don't know what i would do with my time if i wasn't. i'm soon probably about to find that out. i kind of have no urge to leave my living room ever. at times, i think: charlie, you do not want to spend an entire eight or so months living at home, you'll shoot yourself - look for something to do; someplace to go. and then other times, i lie on the couch, watch tv, stuff my face with various junk food products, and think to myself, why would i ever want to do anything other than this? i have no life drive at all. i am a zombie. and it doesn't bother me except when i'm writing these motherfucking diary entries - making my loserness all too explicit to myself and i guess to whoever the fuck is silly enough to read this crap.