my sister went to power video to rent some movies. while she was gone, my mom was talking to me about me moving to ny, and then real randomly asks, "so, do you think your sister's anorexic?", not knowing how else to bring it up, and saying it casually enough so that it would sound like she was joking. real weird. made me think that my sister actually might be. right before she had left for the video store, she ate a plate of white rice for dinner. last night, she refused to eat any of the pizza saying she hated cheese, and ate some of the crust and made herself a plate of rice. hmm, i told my mom that i didn't think so, but that she hasn't really been eating much. her meals have been spaghetti with salt and pepper -- not even any sauce. she eats bagels toasted plain without cream cheese. she did sort of get real defensive about a week ago when i was teasing her about starving herself, since i had only seem her eat mini carrots and plain bagels for about a week. as i kept talking to my mom, it was unravelling to me -- i had not really thought about it before, but she definitly is eating real weird.
i then felt really bad for teasing her about being fat. i am a horrible person, yes i know. she's not fat at all, she's 5'9'' and probably about 130 lbs. but whenever she makes fun of my piginess, i always shoot back: shut up i can eat whatever i want, i'm not a fat pig like you! and, this is one of my flaws - that i throw the word "fat" around like "the." when i'm upset with someone or something, i use the word fat as an adjective to add impact and exaggerate my anger. ex. this big, fat idiot at taco bell didn't give me the proper change. -- and i don't think anything of the word fat, but my sister tends to get pretty defensive about it. and my sister's not the only victim of my "fat" usage. appearantly, i called nora fat one time or a few times our first year, and i don't even remember it since it's a word that i don't take seriously, but she has never failed to remind me about it whenever i say she's being ridiculous for thinking she's fat. i feel like something similar happened with bonnie where i called her fatass or something real silly (and obviously not true) once and she took mucho mucho offense to it.
i think it's so horrible that that word can cause such emotional trauma, but i guess i need to accept that it does and stop using it so much. and so now my mom has me slightly worried about my sister, and sort of real angry that people do such dumb shit. making me feel fragile, holding my own stomach in pain, thinking about what anorexia must feel like. but, i don't know if she really does have some eating problem or if she really doesn't like any of the food we have in the house, which is something she always complains about. hopefully the latter. but, i felt real bad for my mom because i could tell that even though she tried to ask it like she wasn't serious, she totally was and is worried about my sister and can't really do much about it, except hope that she's not.
my sister came home with shrek, and i was like oh god, i am not watching this. i have been so adamantly opposed to watching this movie, even though so many people have told me it was real good. so, i'm playing around on the internet, refusing to watch the movie, and i catch a couple of the jokes, and i could not believe that this movie was actually good, and so i joined my sister in watching it. and it was actually really good, spoofing disney movies left and right, and having really positive messages.
then i read some more of ulysses until it was time for my date with jimmy fallon. i turned on the tv for snl, and watched it. dude, the shit was so bad tonight. i was so embarrased to be watching it with my sister because i was so offended by some of the skits. there was one good skit tonight (the wake up westfield skit), the rest were just dumb, dumb, and then dumb. tracey morgan was in this one, "shout out show," that was the closest thing to minstrelity i think i have ever seen on network tv. he played this stupid thugged out dj, hosting a shout out show on tv, with all these stupid callers being like, "i just wanted to give a shout out to the three women i'm pregnant with..." - "i just wanted to give a shout out to all the housekeeping workers i work with at ramada inn..." - all in super ignorant voices. i was so mad, i was really hating snl at that moment, and feeling so bad for tracey for having to perform in this piece of bullshit.
and then the last skit was the playboy station showing "burqua babes" or something real offensive, with horatio sanz, as some afghan man getting real hot and bothered by a woman removing her veil to show her face. i could not even believe it, i really wanted to throw shit at the tv. luckily jimmy was in none of the offensive skits, otherwise i might have had to end my crush on him for a lack of principles.
i'm feeling real speedy right now, i drank half a pot of super strong coffee at about five in the afternoon for some strange reason, and i am just real anxious about everything now. perhaps this is why i thought snl was so bad tonight, normally i think i'm sedate and somewhat tired and just watch unquestioningly. but not tonight.
i kind of really want to watch nixon right now, but it's a three hour movie which means it would not end until 6:00 which means i would not wake up til probably five in the afternoon tomorrow, which means i'd be up super late tomorrow night and would not get enough sleep to wake up to be at greenpeace by nine fifteen on monday morning. what is a boy to do?
i really want some bright yellow sweet corn on the cob dripping with butter. but we don't have any. or watermelon. that would be good right now too. i want snow. i want there to be snow so i could have a picnic in the snow. red and white checkered tablecloth laid out. there'd be a basket with corn on the cob in it, huge slices of watermelon, lots of mayonnaise salads (potato, egg, and cole slaw), really good bread, and fresh squeezed lemonade. and i could sit there with snowmen of my own making. they'd be fellow picnicers, not because of their conversation skills, but because they don't eat much and it'd be more apple pie for me. perhaps, i'd also invite jimmy fallon. he could provide the conversation. and i could impress him somehow. maybe i'd try dropping "insouciance" somewhere into the conversation. perhaps saying, jimmy, your insouciant air makes my day in a major way. perhaps saying real silly rhymes all the times, and that could be our continuing joke that we'd never tire of, annoying the snowmen to no end.