Monday, October 28, 2002

My Bladder is Weak and So Am I

There is an old man with a huge grin on his face sitting at the computer right to the left of me. His smile seems a little perverse and it is creeping me out. I want to write something here, but I don't know what and that is what I would term a problem. My life is boring, so boring. If you sit down at the computer and go to write a diary entry and do not really know what to say, even though you have not written in a few days, then something is wrong with the way you live your life - you are too numb to existence, to life.

And I am really worried that I am, that I am just going through the motions these days, waking working and sleeping. I have been doing school work off and on since ten this morning, first studying Greek and then readingWaverly and now, I am going to go home to read Crime and Punishment. These are sadly nothing more than chores, they sap my mental energy - my rah-rah spirit.

A couple of days ago, I saw the movie Jackass, and it was the most wonderful film I have seen in the longest time - there is something so beautiful about watching a bunch of young males living so recklessly, having so much fun, partaking in this rah-rah spirit that I need to somehow channel. Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O had me for a brief hour and a half excited by the prospect of life, of reckless living, I had the tingling in my fingertips and knew that something had to be done. The film seems like such an accurate rendering of the condition of the young American male - I mean maybe not with all those stunts and shit, that definitly is not my reality, but the stuff that is the motivation behind all of those stunts, behind the drinking of your own urine, it is that suburban ennui, that feeling that life is not all it neccesarily could be - and the people of Jackass have a very good solution to it all - a way to create meaning, art, and have a fucking good time within your exisiting conditions, no matter how bland they be.

Danger. Create risks. Make yourself hype-aware of your existence, of the fact that you are fucking alive by doing stuff that puts that into question, that risks your existence, or at least has the risk of bodily harm. Do things that are condoned. Do things that you fear.

Now, how will I take these lessons and implement them within my own life - how will I add a little bit of danger to my life and start to live with more reckless abandon? Wait and see. Wait and see.

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