Throughout 21 Grams tonight, I found myself feeling the pimples forming on my upper lip, fingering them to try to determine how large they were, feeling them form since they were not there when I left for work this morning and wondered with an annoyance why it is that at twenty two years old, I still have troubles with acne.
I want my adolescence to be over. When I got home from the movie, I looked in the mirror to actually see what I had been touching, what I knew I should not have been touching with my oily fingers throughout the movie, but yet could not help it. And I replaced my tactile memorey of my face with a visual one, and then went about replacing that visual one with an altered visual one. I tried to assert my adulthood tonight by popping my zits, tried to assert the fact that I am not fifteen anymore, tried to assert the fact that I rolled my eyes tonight during the film when the kids next to me made "Whoo!" hoots at the sight of cocaine on screen, that I am past that point in my life where I might have made cheers like that, or even had solidarity with those that do. Tonight, I rolled my eyes at the immaturity exhibited by these kids, and said in my head like a grumpy old man, "Shut up," wishing that these punks did not have to interrupt my more earnest interaction with the movie. At home, I tried assert this fact that I am not fifteen some more, tried to show my face that I am mature. I popped the little pimples one by one by one. They are these little white pimples that form on my upper lip, and I am sure that they have some thing to do with my shaving cream, my razor, my lotion, or some combination of any of the three. But man, being little pimples, they also pop so easily. And so with ease, I asserted my adulthood, washed my face, and then looked into the mirror at what I had tried to do, and saw the acne scars, the red, irritated skin, and the just popped pimples oozing that stuff that they ooze when they have just been popped, and knew that I was not there yet, that I am still a teen saying: I am mature, I am an adult now, I can do this. But I am not sure who I am saying this to now. Who, or even why.