I talk a lot about my love of sunshine, but both today and yesterday were so beautiful for their lack of it, for their greys, for their heavy skies pregnant with associations and memories. These are such beautiful fall days, kind of wet, gray skies, leaves on the ground, even better looking when they are wet and on the ground, the colorful leaves still on the trees, and the skies again. I was walking to my bank today in the rain, a light rain, and that sky, how low it looked and how long it stretched made me feel very safe, made me feel like I was 14 and on my way home from school.
I don't know what my future holds and in this weather those thoughts are pushed out by comforting thoughts of my past, of living under similar skies.
There is the need for a job, for income, a very pressing need, and still doubt about whether or not I will get to do this nutcracker job. There is concern about my lack of artisitic productivity. There is concern about this apartment and slight thoughts toward a new one since now Niki is the one eager to move. There are feelings of loneliness and wondering how to go about making connections with people worth doing so with. But there is nothing to do about that right now, or at least not too much that can be done right now, too little time today for such concerns. I am going to take my copy of King Lear and ride the train to go a screening at the MIX festival. There is always tomorrow. I tell myself this every day and keep pushing that tomorrow further and further out though.